


You're a light in the dark

by tyrusexpectations



Category: Andi Mack (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Health Issues, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-17
Updated: 2021-03-03
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:26:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 60,584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26491879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tyrusexpectations/pseuds/tyrusexpectations
Summary: T.J Kippen a normal student with a normal life and a normal group of friends, a caring guy who’s always worrying for his friends, trying to do a good job at school and pass time with his family, experiences the loss of a loved one, his life suddenly becomes upside down, he has changed and it’s clear, something happens with him, he’s in a point in his life where he doesn’t see an exit, he’s just there existing.Cyrus Goodman is a  popular rookie playwright (or at least in Shadyside), too young and extremely talented, everyone likes his plays, but what they really love about him is his personality, a bright and honest man, always making everyone smile and laugh, but the recent days have been torture, our Cyrus it’s experimenting for the very first time something he only heard his parents talk about.
Relationships: Cyrus Goodman/T. J. Kippen
Comments: 24
Kudos: 30





	1. Welcome to...

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to start this fic because I'm not having a good moment, and I would like to express how I have felt lately through this, hoping it will help me. I will continue with Those Four Words eventually, for the moment the university takes a lot of my time, but I will try to be consistent with both fics.  
> Please excuse my bad English!  
> Also, this is a super change because TJ is actually really different from the way he is in the show, and Cyrus is different too, the fic is centered in their story, how they become friends and help each other, and maybe even more. 
> 
> Song of the chapter: Zombie by Day6 (if you take the time to listen to this song or just their music let me know in the comments!)

TJ's POV

_How’s been your day? The school’s going great? How about Amber and Iris? They’re not coming tonight?_

Those questions that my parents ask every time I come back home are missing today; something is going on and, I’m too afraid to ask. My mother's face looks a bit tired… She’s been crying? My father is just there sitting next to her, holding her in his arms, it has been a long time since I looked this image, he just nods at me, the classic: TJ honey, go to your room, so that’s what I do. 

**_Two queens and teej_ **

_ Amber **:** _ _what if we go out tomorrow?_

 _ Iris:  _ _sure, where?_

 _ TJ:  _ _let’s have some pizza tomorrow_

 _ Iris:  _ _pizza sounds great_

 _ TJ:  _ _Amber what do you think?_

 _ Amber:  _ _yeah, pizza it’s ok_

 _ TJ:  _ _cool I see you tomorrow_

“Pizza…pizza…pizza…oh I haven’t eaten yet.” The sound of the door catches my attention, my father is trying to smile at me, his eyes tell another thing. 

“How was your day son?” the tone on his voice, his eyes, something is going on here. 

“Cool, I’ll go out with Amber and Iris tomorrow by the way." 

The silence…it could be perfect if Amber were here, she knows exactly what to do in these situations, what to say, how to break this strange silence between me and my father, that’s her talent, that’s just _her_. Amber, it’s like a sister to me, our parents are friends and we are close, she’s always been in my life, she’s my safe place when I need help, but this time, at this moment she wasn’t here and I really need her. 

“What’s happening? I know something is happening” my father just stares at me, nothing to say. “I need an answer” 

“Your uncle” he takes a long pause. “he passed away” 

My head feels heavy, my hands are trembling, my eyes are about to let the tears fall, my world has been hit by a truck, a thousand trucks. 

I can’t even listen what my father is saying, all I do is look at him, mouth half open and an affected face, I’m trying not to cry right away, I can’t let my father look at me like this, especially my mother, she needs to see that she has a strong son, that I can be her rock, because I can, I am TJ Kippen, well, I am Thelonious Jagger Kippen, that’s the name she loves and I’m not using another one right now, I’m strong enough to pass through this, I am…right? 

I have been sitting on my bed for at least five minutes looking at the floor, my father is already gone. I still can’t believe this happened, how it happened? Why did it happen? Why? 

My uncle was an amazing person, he always asked me things about my hobbies, about what I like, how I was, he really cared about me…I’m not saying my parents didn’t but you know how this is or maybe not, I have this weird feeling right now, my head still feels heavy and I can’t see clearly, I’m still trembling, how is possible that in just a few minutes my life has completely changed? How I am going to keep my normal life? How do I tell Amber? I don’t know how I feel and I don’t know how she will feel. 

This just has started, how my mother is supposed to keep going? They were really close, even closer than me and Amber, she must be feeling horrible, she must want her son to comfort her, but I don’t know how I don’t know what to say o do, should I tell her everything is going to pass or just let her cry, or…I don’t know this isn’t the first time I get this kind of news, but it’s the first time for…you know…losing someone close…a loved one. 

How I will go out with the girls tomorrow? I can’t do it, my parents need me, my mom needs me, I can cancel but if they ask why? What am I supposed to say? I can’t tell them yet the situation, I have to figure out how to react to this, how to survive to this. I don’t have an idea of how this is going to affect me…because I’ve seen people in really bad states for things like this, and it’s totally valid, they’re just letting their emotions out, their feelings, but I still don’t have a clue of how it’s going to be for me and my parents, I’m an only child, I don’t have a brother or a sister to help me, to guide me…Amber, yeah, she’s like a sister to me…but she never meet my uncle before, she never knew how cool and kind he was, we’re close but not that close. 

My mother suddenly sits next to me, she hugs me, she’s still crying but I can’t, there’s no way I’m letting my tears fall, I have to be strong for her…for me. 

“I- I’m so sorry mom” I hug her tight. “I know how important he was for you, I really sorry” 

“I’ll be fine” she breaks the hug. “I just want to know how you were” Oh mom. “How was your day? Did Amber and Iris made you laugh a lot today?” 

“Yeah…they made me laugh today” I clear my throat. You can’t cry TJ. “Iris showed us a picture of her new dog, she just adopted her, it’s precious” her face looks sad. “And Amber said we should dress like the pink ladies from grease one day” she loves grease, this one has to make her smile. 

“I can help you get the clothes” she smiles at me, just a little. 

“I’m sure they’ll love to” I grab her hand. “You should go and get some rest mom, I’ll be fine, I promise” 

And again…I’m alone in my room, just toughs in my head, memories, and worries, I have always been a guy who worries of everything, well of everyone, I don’t like to see someone sad, I try to be there for the one’s who need it, like Marty, a friend, he’s just always hanging out with Walker and Libby, so he’s just a friend, not my best friend, like Amber and Iris, well the point, he was rejected by a girl once, he was heartbroken and I tried to help him, but now, I don’t know how will I help myself.

What would I say to someone that is passing through this? How would I comfort them? I don’t know, I still don’t know. 

Tomorrow is a new day but how will I survive it? 

* * *

I wake up… I finally woke up, but did I want to get out of my bed? The answer is simple, no I don’t want to, my bed feels so comfy and warm, I don’t want to get out of it just to go outside, go and have breakfast with my parents with an awkward silence, and then going to Amber’s house and answer the questions her and Iris must have, I can already listen to them “ _what happened to you last night? We send you thousands of messages, we were worried, tell us what happened”_ I don’t know if I can answer all of that. 

How long has been since I opened my eyes? Fifteen minutes, c’mon TJ you can do it. 

I finally get out of the bed, my head still feels heavy, my hands are fine, they’re not trembling anymore, my face…I could look better. My brain is still processing what happened last night, all I heard, my parents' faces, how I felt, everything. 

Did I take breakfast? No, I’ll just eat something in Amber’s home. 

“Oh, hey you!” Amber smiles at me, radiant as always, beautiful as always. 

“Hellooo” I say in the same tone I use all the time. I need to stay as normal as possible. 

“Well helloooo!” Iris shouts from the kitchen. “Come here we’re making pancakes” she smiles, that pretty and bright smile of her. Maybe I can survive this day. 

How can I start describing my friendship with these two?

Amber and I meet Iris when we were like 10, we had an instant _click_ , she’s been in our lives for a long time, we’re always together, we’re always for each other. when Amber told us she likes girls? We both were there for her in the pizza place with big smiles at our faces when she said that. When I told them I like boys? They were there, hugging me and giving me so much love. When Amber and I came out to our parents? Iris was there, well not _physically_ there but she was listening to everything through the phone while she was on vacation with her parents in Mexico.

They have been there for me, all the time, but this time things seem a little strange. I feel strange. Like if this made me a different person. 

* * *

Cyrus' POV

It’s another day, more things to write and direct, more actors to see, my parents are proud of what I have achieved for my age, almost 21, and I have all of this, people call me a natural, a gifted, a born to be, and honestly those things are tiring, I love the way they compliment me and my job, it’s nice when people like what I do. 

Lately, my days been feeling more tiring than usual, I can’t sleep nor concentrate when I have to do something important, when the actors need my help, when Andi and Buffy talk about how amazing they’re doing, or when Jonah wants me to listen to his new music, these days I haven’t been myself, is there anything bad about me right now? 

Now I’m on my way to the theater, I have this amazing production with Andi’s grandmo…I mean, with Cece, she is a businesswoman, Bex is helping me with all the makeup work, and Jonah, of course, is helping me with the music, this is my first ever musical, do I know something about musicals? Not that much, but I’ve been having meetings with people Andi meet on some trips with her dad. Honestly, I don’t feel confident enough to be part of this, because this is huge, we don’t have many musicals at Shadyside, and this one is an original, even much pressure, right? 

“Cyrus!” Mary approaches me holding her script. 

“Hello, Mary! You look amazing, that makeup is exactly what I wanted” I shout as Bex smiles at me and then goes back to do Chris’ makeup. “Is there a problem?” 

“Oh no” she looks at how much coffee I’m about to drink. “I just have a question about this part in the song” 

“Well, that’s Jonah’s job” I look at my phone. 8:42 a.m. “And by the look of your face, I suppose he’s not here yet” please tell me you’re here. “Oh, there he is!” 

“Mr. Mack?” 

“Yes, Mr. Mack, he works with Jonah in the songs, go with him, he’ll help you” and there she goes, finally time to drink my coffee and wait until it’s time to go back home. 

The same routine, the same coffee, the same conversations, when did this happened? When did my life become so predictable? 

I read the same stuff, I walk the same streets, I order the same food, I see the same people, I just do the same things, every single day, I don’t have many adventures since I was 13, oh my thirteens, what a crazy ride was that one. 

Chris is talking about how he thinks that he’s dancing skills are bad, while Buffy tries not to hit him when he stops the dance part, did I mention that Buffy works with me too? Well, she does. 

After long dance practice, Buffy and I have some free time. Andi is working in an art gallery, she works there with a guy named Walker, they’ve been friends for some years now, I don’t know him well but he’s a nice guy. Andi notices us looking through the window, she smiles and waves at us, then she comes outside. 

“I didn’t expect you guys to come!” she hugs us. One of our classic group hugs. The best ones in the world. 

“We needed a time out” Buffy jokes and I just…smile. 

“I need more coffee” I point to the café on the other side of the street. “Let’s have some coffee, I invite” 

Jokes and laughs, smiles, and many “do you remember…” filled those thirty minutes we had, talking to them makes me happy, they’re my best friends, they have always been my best friends, we may not be together all the time but when we are, the time stops and we can light a whole country. 

We are each other number one fan, Andi makes art? We are there supporting her, telling her how much we love it and how talented she is. Buffy has a dance concert or basketball game? We are there cheering her. I have a play? They are always there, in the first row. We’re family, we know our faces, our emotions, our bad jokes, we know our souls, we function better together. 

But even having all these amazing things in my life, friends, a job, love from my parents, appreciation from people in Shadyside, and much more, I feel like if this is all the same, as one of my plays, I’m the main character and I play this every day, I do the same things, the people surrounding me are the crowd, they come to see me every day, they come to see the same, the same guy saying the same things, hanging out with the same people, having this _routine_ , the same boring routine, I walk, I breathe, I eat and sleep, but I still feel like a _zombie_. 

Coming back to the theater, many things happen there, I’m always with Cece, making sure nothing goes wrong, the wardrobe? I’m there checking it all, the music? I’m there with Jonah and Bowie, the makeup? I’m there with Bex listening to all of her amazing ideas, I’m there the whole time, and when we finally finish our long workday, I come back home, just wanting or waiting to close my eyes. And when I can’t, I just stare at the window looking at the sky or looking at how I haven’t written anything for my new play, how I don’t even want to go outside, and how hard my day is going to be. 

When will this pass? 


	2. Welcome to...a nightmare?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I only have time to write at 2 a.m., but it's worth it!  
> Another short chapter. Please excuse my bad English!
> 
> Song of the chapter: Don't Let It Break Your Heart by Louis Tomlinson

Cyrus' POV 

“And that’s why I’ve been struggling with this song, it feels like the words don’t sound good together, we’re stuck on it…” Jonah keeps telling me about a certain song, why? Well, I wish I knew; he’s been talking about it for like twenty minutes, do I understand it? No, I don’t, why I’m still here? Well that’s my job and he’s my friend, I can’t tell him that I actually don’t get what’s he’s saying or that I’m not interested at all. 

But listening to Jonah talking about music it’s so much better than trying to help Buffy with the choreographies, I’m not a dancer and that’s obvious, maybe that’s why I’m here talking to Jonah. 

“What do you think?” oh right he’s been here talking while I was thinking. 

“Maybe you and Bowie can try with another song, emotions, just remember that it’s for the musical” oh that Jonah’s expression, did I say something wrong? I need to fix this. “Or…Bex can help you, she has many talents” 

And that’s it, he’s now with Bex. 

How I’m even standing here? I just want to be in my bed right now, I work hard every day and I see the results, positive ones, but somehow I still feel empty, like I have another Cyrus in front of me telling me to work harder, he keeps yelling at me to be better, to work harder, to do everything that it possible to do in one day, week, month, but at the end of the day there’s just me, the other Cyrus just fades away and I stay in the bed asking me _why_ , why I work this hard? Why I pressure myself to be the best? Is it worth it? Am I happy with this? I’ve been lying if I say that I like all of my plays or that I’m never upset when something goes wrong, I just try to keep everything going, keep the train going, I’m the driver and everyone else is waiting for me to do the best I can. Do they truly care if I mess up something? 

I’m usually pretty confident about everything I do or at least that’s what I try to be, I can be confident about me, how I look, and what I write in other’s eyes but when I’m alone all I want is just a little help, pretending is exhausting and I keep pretending all the time, pretending I don’t mind if someone shows up late, if someone keeps saying the wrong lines, if someone tries to change the scenery because they think my ideas are too “simple”, I have to pretend I don’t mind when someone says something negative about my plays, I have to pretend all the time because I have to look strong, cool. But I feel like if I keep pretending, I will explode someday. 

_Be confident of yourself, be sure and strong about your goals, go for it, get what you want, work hard_

This is what I keep repeating to myself all the time, my parents told me to go slowly but honestly going slowly feels like an eternity to me, I don’t think I would be where I am if went slowly eight years ago. Getting out of my comfort zone was the best decision I’ve made in my whole life, I used to be scared of many things and I always let Buffy and Andi save me, but I’m my own person, I can do thing by myself, I can save myself but the question here is _from who?_

“Cyrus?” there’s a hand touching my face right now, that’s not pretty. 

“I would like not to have your hand in my face” 

“Sorry, do you remember me right?" Of course I remember him, he works with Andi. 

“Hello Walker, do you need anything? Andi needs help?”

“Well no, but she told me to bring something to you” he gives me a note. 

“Thank you” I could sound less confused but why on earth Andi sent Walker here just to give me a note? I swear this girl is something else. 

“I don’t know what is about either” he smiles and leaves. 

Andi’s note was just about going out at night, I’m sure Buffy is totally fine with it but I don’t feel in the mood to go out, even if it’s just for a movie, I prefer staying at home, maybe I can play a game, I’m not good at videogames but I can definitely try one or I can just write, my script is there in my desk waiting for me to continue with it or start it, I don’t know about what should be this time, friendship? Love? Something deep? I still don’t have a clue, maybe I’ll stick with a romance, everyone loves romance things here in Shadyside, all I need is to focus or call Andi and Buffy so they can talk about their experiences with romance, they for sure have more than me. 

* * *

Well there’s one thing of Andi that admire the most and it’s that she _never_ _gives_ _up_ , I told the girls that I was going to stay at home, but in ten minutes they were in my room choosing clothes for me. I know, I’m not in the mood for going out and yes, I told them, but they always get what they want, I guess the three of us have that particular trait. 

Honestly, I don’t have an idea of where we are, but we’re eating some Chinese food. 

“You guys like this place? I found it last night, I was just walking and talking with Walker and we saw this place, I knew that we should come here” I love that about her, he’s always considering us. 

“And where’s Walker?” Andi looks so confused right now. “You said you were walking with him, I thought you invited him too” Buffy has a good point. 

“He’s busy” she takes a sip of her drink. “he was going to meet with someone tonight.” 

Suddenly they start talking about Walker, I can’t join the conversation, I’m too immersed in my food and my own thoughts.

Can you believe that I still have nothing written in that script, I know I’m working in the musical right now, but I always finish writing my plays when I’m in the middle of another one, being in the theater usually inspires me but lately, the theater itself stresses me a lot. 

How I am supposed to work on something that stresses me? I can’t even explain how I feel right now, why it feels like it’s so much work to just start writing? Why I don’t want to be sitting here, eating Chinese food with my best friends? Why this is bothering me so much? The restaurant, the lights, the tables, the food, the music, the conversation, me, I’m bothering myself because I can’t enjoy this moment, we don’t have much free time, we don’t go out whenever we want, I should be happy but instead, I’m focusing on all the bad things. I just want a break. I just need a break. 

* * *

TJ's POV 

A whole day with Amber and Iris should make me feel better, but it didn’t, I kept thinking about my mother, about my uncle, about how it happened, asking me why it had to be this way. The whole day I was physically with them, we cooked pancakes, we went to buy clothes for Iris, we watched movies at Amber’s house, we’re watching a show right now, but I’m not here at all, I’m staring at the TV, I see the characters interact, walk, but I’m not paying attention at all. I’m still trying to figure out how I feel. Because I feel something, but I don’t know what it is. 

I have an unknown feeling, I feel like I should already have cried, but I still haven’t, I feel like I should hug my mother more, but I avoid to do it, I feel off, someone switched my button and now I’m off, without energy, without a reason to being awake, I’m breathing but why it feels so hard? I’m talking but why it feels like my tears will come out at any moment? I walk but why it feels like I don’t have a track to follow? There’s a thing surely know, I’m heartbroken, I’m bruised, I’m lost. 

“So, Iris’ gone” Amber’s voice is the only thing in the room right now. “Are you alright Teej? You’ve been acting weird the whole day; you didn’t even tell me to drive carefully earlier” 

“I’m good, I’m just tired we did a lot of things today” she’s not just looking at me, she’s looking for answers, the one’s I’m not going to give her with words. “I have to go home; I need to do something important” 

“More than important that talk with your best friend?” 

“Never” I kiss her cheek. “I’ll see you on Monday” 

Did I just lie about how I feel? To my best friend? To my almost sister? Well yes, I did, I still don’t know why, I don’t want her to be worried about me because I’m too worried about my mother right now, and I need time alone, to figure out how I will deal with this situation. These things aren’t easy, right? Is it normal not to know how I feel? Not knowing how to react? I think I should be reacting differently, I should be crying more, I should be like my mother, she’s just dealing with it in the way it's supposed to, does that makes sense? 

I know there’s a reason for everything, I know everything has an explanation, I already know that, but I want to know more things, why? How? Is there a hidden story? I want answers, a simple “ _your uncle passed away”_ it’s not what you expect to hear on a “normal day”, you don’t expect to see your parents broken over the news; I’m curious about everything but I don’t want to ask, I don’t want my parents to deal with the _story_ , I’ll just leave the things the way they are. 

But about telling Amber and Iris…I’m not sure yet, I do need them but my parents need me more, they have to be my priority, they’re always my priority, will this be good for me? Of course not, I’m not a fool, I know how much I’m going to suffer inside while my parents see a mature TJ admiringly dealing with this, taking care of them, being the 21-year-old person, I have to be. I mean my parents, and Amber, are my rock, I should be theirs this time, only for this time. 

I still don’t know how much this is going to last, but I’ll be here for them, I don’t care if it takes ten years, I’ll be right here. 

* * *

_< <One week later>>_

It’s been a week since I got the news about my uncle, I’ve been trying my best to look okay, strong. 

My mother has been through some different stages, but she’s been mostly crying, she thinks I don’t notice but well I’m not a kid, I can hear perfectly every time she’s crying, I just pretend I don’t so she won’t feel even worse. About my father, he’s been trying to distract himself, he’s making so many puzzles and bought a lot of legos, he tries to cheer up my mom but he’s failing every single time. 

As for me, how did I manage to be “strong”? I don’t have an idea. I just try to focus in how much my parents need me and then, suddenly, I become stronger, I haven’t cried or felt as sad as my mother but I do think of my uncle all the time, especially when I’m about to sleep, 21 years of being with him, I don’t remember much about it and we don’t even have pictures together, or at least pictures of just us two, but we have some videos, I like to edit so maybe I can make something for her, I just hope it can help her instead of making her heartbroken, again. It looks like I have everything under control, right? I’m even hanging out with Amber and Iris, and yes, I still haven’t told them. 

“I can’t believe he said that” these days Amber got a temporary job and she’s been struggling with one of her coworkers. 

“Well, believe it” Amber does her classic hair thing. It never gets old. “He really said that he just hates me and I don’t even know why!” 

“He didn’t say that, he just said you’re not nice” And I don’t get why Amber is the nicest girl like ever! 

“You know what? I don’t care, I’ll just stay with you two” She smiles at us, these girls have the prettiest smiles I’ve seen in my life, they just give me so much happiness. 

“You know you can count with us” Iris pulls the three of us in a hug, a long one. 

Am I too touched over this? I feel a strange sensation in my throat or maybe I catched a cold? 

“Well girls I have to go” I break the hug and their perfumes are now part of me. “I promised dad I would help him with some things in the house" I hug them one last time. 

Walking alone gives me the time I really need, my house is not far from Amber's,I don't have the time I wish to think about all of this, but there's one thing I know and it's that this thing in my throat is annoying. 

Once in my house, the feeling in my throat is still there, should I take some medicine? I don’t remember what could cause this. 

I sit in my bed, with this horrible sensation growing, suddenly it becomes hard to breathe, I can’t control my breathing or my movements. 

Why is this happening? What’s this? What’s going on? Why I can’t breathe? I want to breathe. 

I can’t talk. I can’t ask for help. I can’t yell. 

What’s this? Is this a _nightmare?_

* * *

Cyrus' POV 

It’s a brand-new day! 

Everything looks so pretty outside. 

The sun, the clouds, the theater, the crew. 

What a lovable day. 

We’re getting closer to our big night, the big moment, the moment of the truth nothing can ruin my mood. 

“Cyrus, I need your help Laura has some trouble with her shoes and I don’t know what to do” Harry looks so worried and still nothing, I feel amazing. 

“Oh no, let’s go, let’s go” I walk, almost run towards Laura. 

The problem was that her shoes didn’t fit, nothing we can’t solve, I feel like super Cyrus, I’ve been doing so many things this week. Buffy had some problems with Chris and the choreography again; Bowie and Jonah changed the lyrics of one of the main songs out of nowhere; Bex had to go and look for more makeup right to the fabric because our order went missing; Cece is dealing with some crisis identity and she wanted to dye her hair, she looks amazing, but I had to be with her the whole time, yeah we’re friends; Andi needed some help at the gallery, and yes, I was there with her and Walker doing some artsy stuff, their stuff, their talents. 

Have I mentioned that my new script is still blank, and honestly it stresses me out, I’ve been so busy that I didn’t have time to write a single line, but I have managed not to explode? Yes, I have. How? I don’t know and I’m afraid of it. 

After a pretty long day, I’m finally at my room, not wanting to talk to my parents and just wanting to go to my bed, like always, I need to start my script or maybe just sleep? 

The night was full of my apparently bad ideas for my script, with a lot of stick notes all over my desk and my floor, with so much coffee and snacks, with so much stress, with all of my energy, and finally, I got an idea: 

_Title: Dear Diary_

And the rest is history, I only wrote like twenty pages, slow progress I know, I can’t even believe the torture this is going to be for me. As I open my eyes, I try to move and get ready, not wanting to go outside, not wanting to even look at the mess in my room, but when I finally reach the door, my body tells me not to go, my legs aren’t responding, my hands are trembling and I have the sensation that if I leave my house something bad is going to happen, I just stay there, in front of the door with the feeling of running out of the air, with fear and tears about to come out. My parents aren’t home and I will definitely not tell them about this, I just need to breathe, that’s what they say because it helps, but how am I supposed to breathe when I’m running out of air? I need some water, I need something to hold, I need…help…is somebody out there? Because this feels like a _nightmare…I_ must be still asleep, right? This is going to happen, right? 


	3. I don't get this

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Excuse my bad English! 
> 
> Song of the chapter: Where the sea sleeps by Day6 (Even of Day)  
> (the songs of the chapters are actually songs I listen to, to get inspired to write) 
> 
> I hope this is not confusing you, the concept of the story, I know these are not the only ways someone can suffer an anxiety attack (previous chapter), but that's the way it happens to me, so I wanted to use my own experience with them!

Cyrus' POV 

I still have to process what just happened. Why did it happen? Am I alright? 

I know how these things work, my parents have talked about this a hundred times, it’s just that I never thought this could happen to me. 

How do you understand such a thing? 

Maybe I’m too stressed, this is, actually, a normal reaction of my body, I’ll be fine, well not today, I’ll have to call Cece and tell her…that I’m sick because I’m sick, I don’t feel alright, hopefully, some sleep will help me. 

Cyrus G:  _Cece I don’t think I will be at the theater; I woke up sick today._

Cece Mack:  _What happened? Do you need some medicine? I can send Bowie_

Cyrus G:  _No, we have medicine here, but thank you!_

Cece Mack:  _Are you sure? I can send Bex instead if you want it_

Cyrus G:  _No, no, no, she has work to do_

Cyrus G:  _I’ll be fine, don’t worry_

Cece Mack:  _Fine_

Cece Mack:  _Get well soon, we’ll miss you_

Cece Mack:  _Take care of yourself, please_

Cyrus G:  _I will, thank you, Cece, good luck at the theater!_

I hope Cece can handle everything, wait what I am saying? She’s a Mack, she can do everything she wants, but still, I’m worried about her…and everyone else, they’re not used to have Cece monitoring every single move or action. Now I don’t think that staying at my house was the best idea, should I go to the theater? What if _this_ happens again? What would I do? I don’t know as much as my parents, they’re experts, I’m a guy who writes plays and is directing a musical right now, I’m clueless about this certain situation. 

Now it’s time to analyze what actually happened to me. First, I was okay, I woke up normally, there’s must be an explication, it started as a normal day, well normal in my way, not wanting to get out of the bed and sleep more, then accepting that I’m an adult and I have responsibilities, take a shower and go to the work. Last night was difficult, I had to start writing something for the play, I had literally anything, not even the title, so I think it was a productive night, I had too much coffee but I always drink _too much_ coffee…maybe the snacks? I don’t think so, the snacks were amazing as usual, my stick notes were actually quite annoying but there’s no problem with my room being a mess, it happens often, that’s how my creative process is and I think it’s great, everyone has their own creative process, doing art, any kind of art is difficult, we all have blocks even Andi and Walker with some sculptures or paintings; Jonah and Bowie have blocks while writing songs; or Buffy when she creates a new choreography, we all pass for the same but we don’t have the same process to bring our different arts to life, maybe Andi and Walker have their own but different process. We all struggle with distinct stuff and we all solve them differently. 

But where I was? Right, second, I don’t get it, how it happened? Maybe I need help, but who am I going to ask for help? It would be better if I keep this for myself? I think that’s the best option, I’ll keep this for myself, no one can know about this, not yet. I’m not ready for this and I can’t worry Andi and Buffy, those girls are like my family but I can’t tell them this.

_Why not Cyrus? Explain yourself_

Well, I know I shouldn’t be saying this but It’s a bit embarrassing, my parents would scold me if they hear me say those words, but it’s true, I don’t feel like it’s something I would like to share with other people. How am I going to handle it? I don’t know, I truly don’t know. 

_But Cyrus! You should find help!_

It was just a one-time thing I’m sure it’s not happening again, but what if it does? I don’t know how will I survive that, I don’t know a single person in Shadyside who could be passing the same thing, because you know this is not something you bring up in conversations with other people, it’s not like “Hey! I’m Cyrus and I suffer this” no one, believe, no one does that, that’s not the way things work; that’s private stuff you should be like level ten of friendship with someone to say something like that. 

* * *

TJ’s POV 

It feels so good to breathe again…

I still don’t understand what happened, I thought I was sick, but this is something much worse, much important, should I tell my parents? Should I tell Amber? Should I tell Iris? Should I tell someone? How many people can suffer from this exact same thing? Am I the only one? 

I have so many questions and zero answers, I felt so scared, I felt like I wasn’t going to breathe again in my life, it felt terrible, not being capable to control myself, I couldn’t move or breathe, or hear anything, I was afraid. 

I don’t know the reason behind this, what could cause this? I haven’t been stressed in a while, I’ve been worried but not stressed, maybe I’m worrying too much? I wake up every day to see my parents with this sad face, I don’t feel in the mood for going out, or eat, or sleep, all I can think about is my uncle…and my parents. I want the best for them, but I still feel weird over this, there are moments where I have this uncontrollable sensation of crying, but I don’t do it, I don’t want to look weak, I know crying it’s not a weakness but, in this situation, with my parents, it is. 

They always wanted me to be strong, to be brave, to be myself in the best way possible, and this is myself, a guy who worries over everything and prefers to suffer in silence so he can keep an optimistic face in front of the others. Maybe this was my limit? It’s been a week since _the news_ and all I did was not showing any emotions about it, maybe I just need to cry? Let everything out? But with who? I can’t tell the girls, if worry over others they worry _too much_ over me. They want the best for me and I appreciate it, but sometimes they act like my mom and that’s why I don’t want to tell them, they would freak out wanting me to be with them 24/7…and let’s be honest I don’t want to be with them all day, I have my own things, and one of them is, take care of my parents, make them laugh or smile, a genuine smile, a smile that tells “ _thank you for making me feel better_ ” that’s what I want. 

But what people usually do in these situations? What can I do to solve this? 

**_Two queens and teej_ **

_ Iris:  guys I have a friend who works in a gallery and were going to have a small party in his place, do you want to come? _

_ Amber:  yes! Where does he live? _

_ Amber:  what should I wear? _

_ Amber:  who’s going? _

_ Iris:  the girl who works with him and some friends of her and some of his other friends _

_ Iris:  just use whatever you want, you’ll look fabulous!!! _

_ Amber:  fine let me see what I have in my wardrobe _

_ TJ:  I can’t go _

_ TJ:  but have fun!! _

_ TJ:  be careful ily _

I can’t go to a party right now, I just passed through something really serious and important, I will investigate the more I can, and I saw them some time ago how they already want to go out again? I barely survived going to Amber’s house, but a party? That’s much bigger, I’m not ready for such a thing. 

But, do I look like a bad friend if I don’t go with them? I love them, but I don’t feel capable of going to a party. The parties and all the people in there stress me a little, I always try to be near Amber or Iris, but they’re dancing all the time, well parties have a reason, right? I don’t dance, I can’t dance, dancing and I have a love-hate relationship, we can’t be together, it’s written all over a place whenever someone asks me to dance, I try to follow the others when there’s a party but my feet don’t want to understand, they do what they want, and I hate it. 

Should I concentrate on another thing? Maybe I can play my guitar, I haven’t played it in like a week…why everything I do or not do is related to _that thing_ , I go out with Amber and Iris? I remember the food my uncle used to prepare; I go to the park? I remember the time when all my family went to play soccer at the park; My fathers watching a soccer match? I remember my uncle’s favorite team and how he always told my father “ _you should change your team to mine we have more titles_ ” they always laughed together; they were friends. And about his relationship with my mother, where can I start? They were close, they were there for each other whenever one of them needed it, like me and amber, but this bond was stronger, the love was stronger, everything was stronger…and now he’s gone…and I feel like this is the end but I know it’s not, I know we can survive this, but right now…it feels impossible, are we ever going to heal? 

Losing someone you’ve been seeing almost your whole life it’s hard, losing the only person that was there whenever I had a problem with the school it’s hard, not knowing why I haven’t cried it’s even worse because I feel bad, I’m a bad person for not crying, but I want to cry, I just can’t, and it’s frustrating. All I’m getting from this is a broken heart, a mess in my head and mixed emotions, I need help but I don’t know who I should ask for help. 

“Hey” my mother’s here. “you haven’t eaten what I prepared; I’m feeling better today so I made your favorite” 

“Thank you, mom, I’ll eat it later” I try to smile but nothing comes. 

“Thelonious what’s going on with you? You’ve been strange this week” 

“We all have been strange mom” I keep looking at my hands. “it feels unreal, like a nightmare” 

“I know, it’s been a hell” she hugs me, and then, what I didn’t want to happen…happened. 

Tears started to fall from my eyes, I’ve never cried this hard before, not even as a kid. 

“I want this to…end…the suffering” I clean my tears. “I’m sorry”

“It’s okay TJ” did she just called me TJ and not Thelonious? Why? “You need to let everything out, cry all you want…I’m here” 

“I don’t want to cry; I want to be strong for you” 

“But you need to” she stares at me like if I’m 5 years old and I just fell and hurt my poor leg. “You’re not made of iron” 

And just with those words I was a crying mess, I hold on to my mother like a little boy and cried a lot. 

I definitely can’t go to the party with the girls. 

* * *

Cyrus’ POV 

“Why you can’t come? It’s going to be a great party I promise” Andi says trough the speaker. 

“I have to work on my script Andi” Yeah and I’m doing an amazing job laying in my bed. 

“But you love parties!” I can’t see her but I can imagine her pouting. 

“My job it’s more important than a party, I’ve been stuck in some scenes, I’ll do my process to get rid of my block” 

“A party can help” 

“No, it can’t help, a party will distract me from my main thought, my main idea” yes, I’m still in my bed. 

“Fine, but we’ll miss you” 

“Work hard we love you!” Buffy’s voice appears. 

“I will. Have fun! I love you more girls!” I end the call. 

I’m not a fan of texting, and Andi  _ loves _ texting, I prefer listening to someone’s voice than just read their message. 

But a party? Are you serious? I can’t go to a party right now, I feel too warm in my bed, I feel safe in my room. Working on my script? A big lie, I’ve been looking at my computer for hours but nothing came to my mind, all I can think about is what happened this morning and I can’t write about it, why would I write about it? To tell my own experience? That’s crazy it would expose me.   
And as I said before, it was a one-time thing. Or that’s what I think, I’m not prepared for this to happen often, I’m not that emotionally strong, I’m a mess, a good one of course. Maybe some music will help me to concentrate on my script? Some jazz will help me to relax and get in the zone. If don’t finish this script my whole career will be in danger. It’s too much pressure, right? 

Jazz music it’s calming, it’s sweet, it’s what I needed. I just need to let the music lead me in writing this script, come on _Dear Diary_ you have to be amazing. 

Maybe, it was a mistake not to go to the party? The girls could need me for something and I’m here trying to write something I don’t want to write, all I want to do is to be okay with them and stay in my bed, maybe some sleeping, well, _more_ sleeping, playing songs and get in the lyrics, I really admire the people who can write songs, I’m clueless in this, that’s why I usually like to listen to Bowie and Jonah talk about their process, but these days I don’t want to listen to them, I don’t want to do anything and I know that’s not okay, well not for me, I’m naturally productive and now I can’t do anything productive, and I’m getting worried, am I broken? Who should I ask for help? I’m doing something wrong but I don’t know what is it or how to change it.   
Should I try having a new hobby, I haven’t read in months because I’m always busy, and sincerely lately I don’t find my books interesting, I get exhausted whenever I want to open one and read it. Maybe playing an instrument? I don’t think so, music it’s not my thing. Maybe learn how to play videogames? There’s a game I really want to play but I don’t know how, but I don’t know I can’t decide. That’s me every day now, I can’t make a simple decision. I don't get this, I truly don't get it. 

* * *

TJ's POV

After crying for like an hour my mother left the room and brought me the food. 

I’m starting to feel better, but I still want to cry, I still have this uncontrollable feeling of cry, I don’t want to, my mother saw me cry for an entire hour, I don’t want her to worry about me again, her face was so sad when I started to cry and when I kept crying, I can’t see that expression again I want to make her smile not sad. 

Maybe I should cry when no one’s home, yes, when I’m completely alone or like at 3 am listening to all the songs that make me remember my uncle. I really miss him, it’s been a week and I miss him like crazy, I can’t stop thinking about the last time we hugged, the words he told me, his expression, his smile, I just miss him and I can’t do other things more than missing him, and miss him again and again, It’s repetitive, I do it all day, at all hours, I can’t stop, I feel sad, I feel weird, I feel like a part of me, an important part it’s missing and will never come back. 

Crying it’s surprisingly helpful, I feel better but I still think I need to cry more, and more, and more, and more, and even if everyone tells me “ _ you’ve cried enough _ ” it will not feel like that, there are not  _ enough  _ tears, it will never be enough, and my parents know it, that’s why my mother stayed here with me and why she told my father about it, I can hear her voice saying “ _ Thelonious cried a lot, I’m worried, I never thought this was going to be this hard for him _ ” well surprise mom it is, it’s so hard and I feel so bad, and I had an anxiety attack a few hours ago and I don’t get why. 

I don’t understand myself, I don’t get this, this whole situation, why did it have to happen? I feel like I’m drowning, like if I’m falling from an airplane in the sky. I’m not alright. 

**_ Two queens and teej  _ **

_ Amber: we miss you! But we’ll leave this picture here so you won’t miss us a lot  _

_ Amber: *picture* _

_ TJ: it looks like you two are having fun! I miss you, girls! Keep having fun!  _

They really having fun and I’m really here sad and wanting to cry, just trying to understand why my life feels like  _ this _ . 


	4. Nobody knows

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Excuse my bad English! 
> 
> Song of the chapter: Nobody Knows by Youngjae (GOT7)

TJ's POV 

Have you ever felt that you don’t belong somewhere? Probably a million times, well, that’s how my life has been, 21 years of feeling that I don’t belong no matter where. Every time I felt like that, I had Amber next to me cheering me up, believing in me, and telling me that everything was going to be okay. This time. At this moment. Right now. She’s not here. I’m alone and scared, and I need her so much. 

You’re probably wondering what is going on with you TJ? Well, I woke up and this idea came to my mind. _Buy a new guitar_. My old one is…well…let’s just say that it remembers me to my uncle so I had to do something, I wasn’t going to sell it, I only put it in other room, a room I’m scared of, but I was brave, the real problem here is that I want to buy a new one, I’m here in the store looking at all the guitars, a man is telling me _all_ the types they sell. That’s why I’m scared, there are so many types, he keeps talking, explaining to me and I’m just nodding, I can’t speak, I’m too nervous, I want to go home. 

I don’t know why I thought it was a good idea buying a new guitar, I could just stay at home playing the piano, why it has to be the _guitar_ , now this person is talking to me making me feel weird, he’s smiling but I know that’s his job. He’s probably thinking “ _why he came to buy a guitar if he doesn’t know a single thing about them?_ ” because that’s what I’m asking myself right now. 

“Have you seen any guitar you liked?” Why he's asking me such a difficult question? Oh Amber I need you. 

“Well…” I try to say his name but I don’t remember it. 

“I’m Bowie” he keeps smiling. 

“Yes, Bowie!” Why do I have to use my hands for every single thing I say? “I…I liked…the red one” 

“That’s an amazing choice, my friend! You’re about to give this guitar a forever home, I hope” Why is he trying to have a whole conversation with me? Why? 

“Yeah” I can feel my awkward smile, don’t do it TJ, please. “I mean, yeah I will keep it safe, I…will…use it…with responsibility” Responsibility? Are you serious? 

“Okay…I’m sure you will” The awkwardness in his tone, what have you done TJ Kippen? 

Well now I’m finally out of the store, I don’t know how I made it outside, I stood in front of my bedroom door hesitating if I should go outside, and here I am, walking too slowly because I want my steps to be firm, but I feel that I’m walking a bit unsure of where I’m going and everyone notices, that makes me even more nervous. That man, Bowie, he’s nice, I feel so bad for acting so weird with him, I knew I should call Amber, I still don’t know how I’m still available to walk, to breathe correctly, to talk to people, to _function_ this day. I even went to buy a guitar, this is something good, I feel good, great with myself. Maybe I can call Amber and Iris, I haven’t talked to them since last night, I stopped reading their messages, I felt too tired to answer a message, I felt too tired to answer a message, all I wanted to do was stay in my bed listening to some music, still crying. I’ve been crying a lot since last night, I’m actually surprised that my face doesn’t look like a balloon. 

Maybe some coffee can help me to calm down. There is the café in front of that gallery, I’m sure that’s the gallery Iris has mentioned before, where her friend works, I could enter but I think my coffee is more important. 

“ _I’m glad you could come to work today, I thought you were sick that’s what Cece said_ ”

 _“Oh yeah, the medicine is good_ ”

I should stop listening to other’s conversations, this is a bad habit TJ. 

“ _Greg has been a dream, he’s the one_ ” 

“ _Oh my, you really like him, don’t you?_ ” 

Another conversation, TJ stop it. 

“Welcome, what are you taking?” 

“I’ll just take a black coffee, please” I was about to leave the counter, when…yeah, I didn’t tell her my name “I’m TJ” 

I can’t stay here for long, there are so many people here and all of them are talking, and smiling, laughing, bonding, and I’m standing here alone, waiting for my coffee, with my guitar. I really can’t stay here, if I stay here something bad is going to happen, I have this feeling in my throat again, I can’t have an attack right here, _right now_. 

“TJ!” the same girl shouts my name, now I know my coffee is ready. 

“Thank you” I grab the coffee and leave money, the next thing I do is getting out of the café so fast, someone may think that I was in a hurry, and well, I am, I need to go back to my house right now, but I’m afraid is too late, I keep walking, almost _running_ , to the park, where I sit on the nearest bench with all my stuff, trying to breathe. Why is it happening right now? I thought it was a good day. 

Again, I can’t breathe, I can’t see clearly, I can’t hear anything, the last thing I saw was that the alone park, not a single person was here, and honestly, I’m glad of it, no one can see me in this state, I don’t know if I should be worried because of what’s happening to me or that I can feel my phone ringing in my pocket, someone’s trying to reach for me, my parents? Amber? Iris? I don’t know who could be, but I can’t answer, I can’t move, the only thing in my mind is that I want this to stop, I want to breathe again, my coffee is still in my hand, it’s too hot, it’s burning, but it doesn’t matter, I want to be okay again, why can't I calm down? Why? I tried to have a normal day, I did all the things I used to do before this happened, I thought it was a simple day, my routine, but it’s not, it got bad, it’s getting worse, I need help, but I’m here alone, and I don’t know what to do. 

* * *

Cyrus' POV

It’s morning…again…a new day, a new start, and my script is still the same, with just some words written, my mind blank and my phone ringing, maybe Cece? I don’t get the call, I need to write at least a single scene before getting ready so I can go to the work this time, the girls must be excited to tell me about the party, how it was, who attended, what _I missed_. I don’t want to go, I want to stay here again, but I need to go, I must go, this play is important to everyone, not just me, they all have worked so hard, I need to be professional and go, even if I’m late. 

_ Buffy:  hey do you want to go for a coffee before work? _

_ Cyrus:  sure _

A coffee with Buffy sounds great, it’s what I needed, have a coffee with one of my best friends, pretending that nothing happened yesterday, that I’m fine, better than ever, even if I don’t feel like it. But first I really need to write something, why this suddenly became so difficult? Since when I can’t write? It used to be so easy and now I can’t find the right words, because I don’t think any of the ones I write are good and I end deleting them. Maybe I need some new motivation, but where am I going to find inspiration? Should I smell flowers? Candles? Read a book? Go out for a walk? No, I don’t think that’s a good idea, I mean, I love going out, walk, watch the sky and the birds, the trees, everything, because everything is beautiful and it inspires so many people. 

_But not me. Not right now._

I take all of my things and leave my script there, with the same words… I drink some water before heading to the café, where Buffy is probably waiting for me. 

A long road from my house, I was able to leave my house this time, finally going back to the normal. Well to my normal, what is normal? We all have different concepts about what normal is, like Andi, her normal day is going to the gallery, see Walker, talk to a lot of people, making art, fixing art. For Buffy is probably running before getting ready and go to the theater, she probably walks to everywhere, she loves doing any type of exercise, she might go practicing some steps of the choreography when she’s walking, greeting everyone, she’s a social person, and then in the theater, she goes for all the place like “ _Hello Bex! Jonah, I like your jacket! Cece nice glasses are those new?_ ” and then there is me, I wake up and write, I take a shower and then I write, I go to the theater and I’m thinking in what to write, I come back home and write and that’s how my days are, but now, I wake up and want to sleep more, I take a shower and want to go back to the bed, I go to the theater and want to go back home, I come back home and want to sleep, I don’t write a lot anymore, I don’t have the inspiration anymore. 

“Hey, stranger!” Buffy knows how to scare me sometimes. 

“Hello!” I hug her. “How was everything yesterday?” 

“If this was a test, I think we did well…kind of well…Cece can be difficult” 

“That’s weird, she didn’t tell me anything” I try to check my phone when…

“You can check that later, let’s go inside” 

Buffy has a lot of confidence in herself you can see it in the way she walks, and talks, I’m confident too but she has much more confidence than me. 

“I’m glad you could come to work today, I thought you were sick that’s what Cece said” She is already in the waiting line. 

“Oh yeah, the medicine is good” There’s one thing I’m absolutely bad at and is lying. 

“Are you sure you’re sick? You seem pretty healthy to me” 

“It was a one-day thing you know?” 

“I see” She has _that_ suspicious look on her face. 

And now that awkward silence. 

“You missed the party,” She says to me before ordering our coffees.

“It must have been an amazing party if you say it like that” I smile a bit, I don’t regret not going to the party but she won’t tell me all the things that happened there and I hate it. 

While we’re waiting for our order she keeps talking about the party, she met a lot of people there, Walker is a _really_ social person, he likes to make friends and then he likes his friends to meet each other so everyone can be friends with everyone, he’s _that type_ of person, but we all like him. I’m not his friend but have talked before. The girl finally says our names and when I’m about to grab my coffee a guy takes it and leaves the café in a matter of seconds, now I have another guy’s coffee and a sad face because I _love_ that coffee. 

“I can buy a new one,” Says Buffy in an attempt to go and order me a new coffee but I stop her. 

“No, it’s okay…I guess I’ll drink this black coffee” 

“You don’t like black coffee…I knew we should order iced coffees” She puts her hand in my shoulder.

“Let’s go to the theater…please” 

“Alright, let’s go” 

Now I lost my coffee and my motivation for the rest of the day. I’m not mad, I’m actually curious what could that guy thought? What was in his mind when he grabbed my coffee instead of his? I don’t think that’s he’s going to like my order; I mean who orders just black coffee? Who can be like that? I personally don’t like it but if he likes it then it’s great.   
Oh well, here I go, to the theater again, hello normal life.   
Everything looks great, in place, everyone looks amazing, I know I left one day but I was afraid something could change. 

* * *

TJ’s POV 

After some time, that felt like years, I can breathe again, I feel alive again. There’s no one around, no one saw me, why does that make me feel better? Is it bad thinking this is an embarrassing thing? Because that’s how it feels…embarrassing. I didn’t sleep much, I was investigating about this, what may be causing it? How often is this going to happen? How can I get rid of this? How many people can be suffering from this right now? What are the other signs of it? It was a lot, I’ve never read this much in school, but I wanted to be informed, I wanted to understand it, but, honestly, I’m more confused. This is unpredictable, I just confirmed it. 

**_Two queens and teej_ **

_ TJ:  Where are you? I want to hear about the party! _

_ Amber:  I was waiting for that message _

_ Amber:  Come to Iris' house _

_ TJ:  I see you in 15 _

I said before Amber is always there for me, I’m not going to tell her about what happened, but listen to them talk about the party will definitely make focus on another thing. I’ll just drink my coffee it must be cold. 

“What is this? Why my coffee tastes so horrible?”

Try to recall TJ. I took my order and left the café so fast…

_Cyrus_

Who’s Cyrus? Why do I have his coffee? Did I take his coffee? Oh no, I took another guy’s coffee, this is bad, this is too bad. 

And he has a terrible taste in coffee. For this kind of flavors is why I prefer black coffee, you’re never wrong if you have a cup of black coffee with you. I guess I’ll drink this on the way to Iris’ house.

Have I talked about Iris? Not enough. She’s an amazing friend, she’s always there for us, she’s like a ray of sunshine in the morning and she’s super smart.

She also likes to make a lot of friends, I don’t even know where she met the party guy, that must have been a fun party. I can imagine both of them talking to everyone at the party, making friends, taking pictures, dancing with them, eating, maybe? What do you eat at parties? Why would I be thinking about what people eat at parties? Well, I said I wanted to distract myself. 

But I can’t stop thinking about _the thing_ , why it had to happen at the park? The park is not a place where people have attacks, right? I don’t know a single thing about this. It feels like all the things I read last night disappeared from my memory…is that a normal thing? I didn’t read about it last night. How do you call these? Signs or symptoms? Oh, brain, why are you betraying me like this? 

“TJ!” I turn to meet Iris’ mom.

“Gloria! Hello!” I smile at her, I try to look normal, like, you know, “ _I didn’t have an attack at the park ten minutes ago_.”

“Are you going to the house sweety?” 

“Yeah, the girls want to tell me about the exhibition they went to last night” I take the bags she’s carrying. 

“Oh, they loved the exhibition! They said it was an amazing experience” She grabs my arm. “I didn’t know they were into art” 

“Well Gloria everything is art, you only have to look very closely to find it” 

And I’m right, everything can be art, we just have different ways to interpret it. A lot of people make art when they passing through a difficult time. Maybe I can find inspiration from what I’m feeling right now…nobody knows the story behind my suffering, nobody knows I’m suffering…but right now I’m worrying too much about the attacks, they can happen at any moment. I’m not ready for it. 

* * *

Cyrus’ POV 

“Cyrus, we have a problem with Fernanda she doesn’t want to wear any of the looks I planned for her and she’s driving me crazy, I need your help” Bex’s tone is making feel anxious, why does Fernanda act like this? 

“Bex!” Now Bowie arrives. “Cyrus! We have a problem with some songs and the band, they don’t like the lyrics, they don’t want to play, do you know what’s going on with them?” No, Bowie, I don’t know. 

“Cyrus!” Oh, no, Cece’s coming now. “Do you know what happened with the scenario? It looks like a complete disaster, where are those kids? I need them right now” Wait what? 

“Cyrus, Catherine’s not here yet and we have to start practicing the choreography, she’s an important piece here, I’ve been calling her and she’s not answering! You need to fix this” Buffy looks really mad. 

“Cyrus!” Andi’s approaching. 

“Stop!” I shout before starting to walk out of there. 

“Where are you going?” Cece shouts at me. 

“Cyrus!” Buffy’s voice is very clear. 

“What happened?” Andi asks. “I bring him this coffee” 

I’m walking as fast as I can, I can feel how my legs don’t want to respond anymore, they said everything was fine, they said they made a good job yesterday. Then why is all chaos? Why they lied to me? I can’t with these problems. With this pressure. I…can’t…breathe…

The park is the nearest place to the theater, I sit on a bench and try to breathe. 

_This will pass Cyrus. This will pass._

Everything was going great, this was supposed to be a good day, a normal day. This is not a normal day; everything is going wrong. Everything is a mess. I’m a mess. I can’t relax. I…

And then after a few minutes, I’m okay again. 

This can’t be happening, this was supposed to be a one-time thing, but this is a second-time. I’m Cyrus Goodman, you don’t expect Cyrus Goodman to have an attack at the park. I don’t want this to happen, I want my normal life back, but what if I don’t get my normal life back? What if this becomes a normal thing? I haven’t told anyone about this. Nobody knows. 

“Hey! Are you alright Cyrus?” Bowie approaches me right when I walk into the theater again. 

“Yeah, it’s just that I’m still a bit sick, but I’m okay, let’s go back to work” 

Yes. Everyone is looking at me. 

“Fernanda, Bex is a professional, trust in her, she knows what she’s doing” I turn to the band. “Same goes for you, Bowie is an amazing musician he knows what he’s doing and I don’t want to repeat it twice” Now is Cece’s turn. “I called the ‘kids’ and they’ll fix this, they’re coming in 25 minutes” And now Buffy. “I called Catherine, she’s sick, try to practice with…” Oh, yeah Andi. “Andi!” I take the coffee from her hands. “Thank you for the coffee” 

And that’s how you act as if nothing happened, even if you still feel afraid on the inside. 

* * *

TJ’s POV 

“So…you met this guy by accident and then you became close friends and then he invited you to his party?” Iris has a lot of stories but this one is…different?

“Yes,” She smiles.

“You should’ve been there Teej!” Amber looks at me. “It was amazing! Walker really knows how to make parties!” 

“What were you doing last night?” Why did you ask that Iris?

“Yeah, we were worried” 

“I helped my parents with some work they had” Yes, I lied. 

Lying is the only thing that feels, not right but not good either, acceptable maybe? Yeah, acceptable it’s the definition. I can’t tell them “ _I cried almost all night long and then I searched about the attack I had earlier that day, oh, did I mentioned that I had one right before coming?_ ” Yes, that’s not a thing you just talk with your friends. 

“Well, I like your guitar” Amber smiles at me.

“You can play for us!” Iris sounds pretty excited about me playing the guitar. 

“Maybe later” I look at my new guitar. “Keep talking about the party I want to know everything”

Have I already entered into that part of my life when I act as if my okay even when that’s not true? The answer is…yes. 


	5. What if…?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short chapter!
> 
> Excuse my bad English!
> 
> Song of the chapter: Anxiety by Julia Michaels, Selena Gomez 
> 
> (Short story time: I've been busy with school and I've been getting super stressed, yesterday I was finishing a super long homework, that's why I couldn't upload this sooner)

Cyrus’ POV 

Pretending to be okay it’s, actually, one of the most difficult things someone can do. I don’t know how exactly this started to happen, but one day I was already avoiding talking about my feelings and staying with all my stress, and when that happened, I had that attack yesterday and now I have another. This needed to happen, it’s a normal reaction to not getting help and try to pretend I have the perfect life and job. My life is pretty weird, I’m constantly in a hurry, for everything; and my job it’s exhausting and stressing, don’t get me wrong I love my job, I enjoy my job, this is what I’m passionate about…but there are times…I just wish to have another passion, another job, so I wouldn’t be this stressed all the time but we can’t choose our passions, they choose us. It sounds ridiculous right now but when I start considering all the times, I knew writing was my passion when I could simply have another one, do the same thing that my parents, go, and study psychology but no. Writing chose me, that amazing and beautiful way of creating art chose me. I never felt pressured because of it, but right now, at this moment, well, when everyone started to complain about everything…yeah that was my breaking point. 

_Breaking point_. It’s an interesting phrase. How do we know when it’s our breaking point? Why do we call it breaking point? And what a breaking point is? Well, I’m not an expert on words…or life, but I can tell you that what happened to me like one hour ago was my breaking point. I always ignored all the stress that this job comes with, I thought I was fine, I’ve been ignoring all this stuff since I was younger, I pressured myself to keep going, to not stop until I got what I wanted…and when I had it, I kept working hard so I couldn’t lose it. After years and years…and more years of not trying to think in the stress and overworked me I came to my breaking point. Why would something so silly made me have an attack at the park? I don’t know, I don’t know how this works, but it happened. Maybe yesterday I had a breaking point too, the stress of finishing my script, that script is making me stress so much, I can’t finish it, my drain it’s not helping eighter, I passed the night before my first attack trying to write something, but I just can’t, why? 

“How’s the coffee?” Andi appears out of nowhere. 

“It’s good” I try to smile, I tried to pretend I’m okay. 

“What happened to your order? When Buffy told me that you were drinking black coffee, I was shocked, you don’t like black coffee” She’s always so nice, she usually makes me feel better, but right now that’s not the case. 

“Someone took my order by accident, a guy named TJ” 

“Well that guy TJ had the best coffee he has ever tasted” 

“Don’t tell me that” I smile, better than two seconds ago. “But thank you for the coffee, you’re the best Andi” 

“Well that’s my job”

“Getting me coffee?”

“Being the best” She smiles, a huge smile, she must be truly happy, how I wish that was me. 

Not feeling happy lately makes me appreciate all the times I felt happy, comfortable, and safe. Right now, I feel like something bad can happen at any time, maybe a stranger spills his coffee in his shirt, or a kid falls and hurts themselves, what am I supposed to do? Help? If I hear someone complain about something, I’m afraid I might have an attack and if I hear a kid crying I will definitely stress. I’m a sensitive person, I’m too emotional, I can cry all day if that’s what I want to. But today I feel different, I’m not the same Cyrus I was months ago, we all change, that’s a fact, but we usually change for good and I don’t feel that my change is for good. Does that make any sense? I become disinterested in a lot of things and it was gradually, I stopped buying my favorite notebooks, I stopped going to the bookstore, I stopped feeling motivated to do my usual stuff. I changing for bad, and I don’t know how to stop it. 

The proof is right here in front of my eyes, I’m in the theater but only because that’s what I have to do every day, not because I want to be here. I would like to be in my house just staying there because it feels safe and warm, if I could I would definitely move everything to my house and just work there. 

* * *

TJ’s POV 

Apparently, the party was _the party_ , Amber and Iris loved it, they were too excited when they started talking about it, they met nice persons there, Walker is a social guy and which is a good thing because Iris is also a social girl, so they are like the perfect pair of friends. Amber said she met a very nice girl named Andi, she said that Andi’s super creative like Walker and that they also work together, and that Andi has a friend who writes plays and that he’s currently working in a musical, and now Amber is excited over that musical, she even wants us to go with her once it’s realized. Amber loves people who make any kind of art, she just loves everything about art and I can’t blame her, art it’s really something good for our souls, that’s why I wanted to go and buy my guitar, I think that creating art is something that helps to heal, not just the person who creates it but the other people who read it, listen to it or that see it, art is a cycle that is composed by the artists and the people who buy or just appreciate the art. 

Art is something that can touch your heart, your person, your soul, and with all the things that have been happening art is the only way I see a light on this road. 

I’ve been analyzing what happened, but I still can’t accept what’s happening to me…or why is this happening to me. I can’t say it’s anxiety, because I’m not an expert, I can’t diagnose it but _what if is_ anxiety? What if I really have this? I don’t know how to deal with it, I don’t even know what is it or why it happens or…well, I don’t know a single thing about it, I don’t know who I should ask for help, should I look for an expert? Or just leave it the way is it. 

Sometimes I just wish to meet someone who suffers from this too, someone who is as clueless as I am or maybe someone who actually knows about this and they’re suffering too, I just want to meet someone who understands who really understands what this feels like. I read that when you suffer from things like this you tend to think you’re the only one going through it, the only one who’s suffering, the only one who feels _that way_ , and I’m not going to lie, I do feel like that, that’s how I’m currently feeling, just looking at Amber and Iris being so happy about everything and then there’s me, struggling with how I feel, I want to say “ _hey, I’m feeling like hell, somebody help me, somebody talk to me_ ” but I can’t because of two reasons, one: I’m a coward, I can’t tell them that; two: I don’t want to worry anyone, I don’t want to have all that attention, I don’t think I deserve all of that. 

I just worry too much over everything, I don’t know if that’s something good or bad about me. My parents usually tell me I worry _way too much_ and that it’s a good trait but personally I don’t see it in the same way, worrying too much about everything is something that has stopped me in many ways. 

“Teej you’re not coming?” Amber asks me.

“Yeah, I’ll go” I don’t even know where we're going. “Where are we going?”

“To meet Walker!” Iris says with the biggest smile in the world. 

“You have to meet him, he’s amazing” Amber grabs my hand. 

“Oh…okay” 

So we’re going to meet Walker, I can’t meet him, I’m not ready to make new friends, _I’m never ready to meet new people_ or talk to them, I can’t do this, I can’t, I need to get out of this but I’ve been using my parents as an excuse a lot lately they’re not going to believe me anymore. Oh TJ what are you going to do?

* * *

Cyrus’ POV 

“So, Walker invited us to eat, Amber and Iris from the party are coming too with one friend” 

“Sounds great, I can’t wait to eat,” Buffy says as she looks at her phone. 

Oh no, I have to go and eat with new people…I can’t do that, that’s too much pressure.

“I can’t go” Both of them are staring at me with those “ _what the hell you just say_ ” look. “I have to go to the bookstore, there’s this book I need…” 

“We all can go with you,” Andi says as she looks at Buffy. 

“No! No, no, no, you go to eat, I can go alone, I have some stuff to do at my house after all” 

“If you insist” Buffy grabs Andi’s hand. “Let’s go to eat I’m starving” 

And now I’m free from that situation, I don’t have the stability to meet new people right now, or well, to make friends only because they’re friends with my friends. I don’t want the awkward silence the first twenty minutes until I have to ask them things, I usually start conversations with others, sometimes it’s a compliment and other times it’s a joke, I like to make people laugh, it’s a good feeling when they smile because of what I said. But right now, I’m not in the mood for doing that, that’s why I’m walking to the bookstore, a good way to distract myself from all the recent events, to just look at all the books they have and maybe if I’m lucky, to buy one. 

I need to find my inspiration back, I can’t concentrate on anything when I try to write something for my script, every minute that passes is a wasted one, I could be writing at this moment, I could be feeling what I’m writing, I could even imagine that I’m one of the characters so my writing could be even better, but instead, I’m here, walking, trying to find something that makes me say “ _this is it_ ” and have all my ideas and my inspiration back. But all I can do is wait. 

Maybe making new friends can help me in some way, but I need to find someone who sees the things differently than I do but that at the same time knows and understands what I’m talking about, maybe someone who might be passing through a bad time so I can use their experience, their feelings as inspiration because when I write I try not to make it about me, I search for people who can inspire me to write like if I need to write about love I go with Andi and Buffy when I need to write about traveling I go with Bowie and Bex when I need to write about music I go with Jonah, I always have someone I can look when I need that inspiration. 

_What if_ I find someone who’s struggling something similar to me, having these attacks and all, I can’t find the inspiration in me, but I can find it in someone else. 

The vibe of the bookstore is what I needed, the people looking for new books, old people enjoying a coffee while they read the book they just bought, yes, this is what I missed. 

“Sorry,” I say as I bump into a guy. He’s tall and blonde, and looks like might need some help.

“Oh, it’s okay, I’m…okay…I’m…I’m just looking at the books” He tries to smile but you can tell by _that_ smile that he’s not okay…it’s the type of smile I did with Andi before. 

“I can recommend you a book if you want” I don’t know why I’m trying to talk with him, but that’s what I’m doing. 

“Uh…thank you, that would be nice” He looks more relaxed. 

“This is short and a good one, well, if you haven’t read it before” 

“I haven’t, I heard of it but never read it, thank you again” He takes the book. 

“Oh, it was nothing…” _Tell him your name c’mon_. “I’m…Dennis by the way” Who in the world is Dennis, I don’t have the face of a Dennis. 

“I’m…B…” I couldn’t hear what he said…too bad. 

* * *

TJ’s POV

“I have to go for a book, it’s for my mom she asked me to buy it” Lying again TJ?

“We can go to the bookstore before eating if you want to” Amber suggests.

“No! I don’t want to ruin your meal, Walker must be already waiting for you” I just don’t want to meet new people please girls.

“You’re right, we should be on time” Iris looks at Amber as she was asking _‘what now?’_

“Well, we have to go then…good look with the book” They wave at me. 

I walk as fast as I can, I need to get a book…which one should I buy? It’s been a while since I read one, and my mom doesn’t like the ones I read so…I might need help. But the idea of asking someone to help me it’s not the best one, I’m already feeling how my heart is racing, the idea of talking to a stranger and ask for help…I can’t do it.   
I don’t know anymore if I’m walking or running, I enter the bookstore so fast and then I start to slow down when I feel the calming vibe of it…it’s nice.   
I feel something in my shoulder. 

“Sorry,” A guy says to me. 

Now I have to be polite, I have to be nice and kind, show a smile TJ, show a smile. 

“Oh, it’s okay, I’m…okay…I’m…I’m just looking at the books” Why am I nervous? Oh, help me. 

“I can recommend a book if you want” Well if he’s offering his help…

“Uh…thank you, that would be nice” Because I really need a book so Amber and Iris won’t think I’m a liar, even if I am one.

“This is short and a good one, well, if you haven’t read it before” I never in my life have read Romeo and Juliet, I’ll take it. 

“I haven’t, I heard of it but never read it, thank you again” Yes. I want to end this conversation. 

“Oh, it was nothing…” He looks like he’s about to tell me something else. “I’m…Dennis by the way”

“I’m…Brian,” I say as I go to pay for the book, it was barely audible for that guy. 

Now with the book in my hands, I can go to my house and rest. 


	6. And you are?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Excuse my bad English!
> 
> I wanted to give you a long chapter (is this considered a long chapter?) this week because my exam period starts on Monday so I'll be away for like a week or two!  
> Also, I can't believe I've been writing this for over a month! I thought I wasn't going to be consistent with this fic.
> 
> Song of the chapter: I’m All Ears by Youngjae (GOT7), Jamie (If you listen to this song please let me know, this song is very important to me!)

TJ’s POV

Not wanting to meet Walker a few days ago was actually a good decision. My mom was really happy about the book I brought home and surprised, I never liked these kinds of books, so I avoided reading them, on the other hand, Amber loved reading them so she usually made our homework and I paid her, so it was fair...right? 

And I'd be lying if I say that I didn’t read the book that guy recommended me, my mom seemed to love reading it so I did it too, we finally had something good to talk about, not awkward moments where she pretends she hasn’t been crying or me pretending that I’m okay and I haven’t cried or that I haven't had an attack at the park with someone else’s coffee on my hand…yeah it’s so much better. 

“Hello? TJ?” Amber's voice makes me realize that we were talking through the phone. 

“Yeah…I’m here, sorry, what happened?” 

“I was saying that you can stay at my house tonight, Iris can come too, I don’t want to be alone” Of course she doesn’t want to be alone. 

“I’ll be there, it’s going to be our fun night” I try to say in an excited tone.

“We can watch some movies and sing with the karaoke that my mom has” I can already hear our terrible singing brothering Amber’s neighbors.

“I can play something for you both…” I say mysteriously.

“You’ve been working on music?” 

“Kind of…if you call what I do music” I laugh, a genuine laugh. 

“It is music!” 

“You haven’t heard it yet,” I say as we both laugh.

“I know” She’s laughing. “But I know it’s good okay?” 

“Okay you’ll find out tonight” 

“Fine see you tonight” 

“See you” 

Amber’s been dealing with something too; I don’t know what is it but I think she’ll tell us tonight, maybe I should tell them about what’s been going on with my family, my parents haven’t talked to anyone about this, that includes Amber’s parents, they only want to deal with this for a while, when they feel ready they will tell everyone about it. But maybe I should tell Amber and Iris tonight, it’s been some time since it happened, I will not tell them the whole history you know, all the attacks thing…I can’t tell them, especially, the about the attacks. I’m not ready for it. 

But about why I’ve been kind of distant with them, why I’ve been avoiding going to places or why I’ve been in my house with my parents almost every day…I really want to tell them, but I don’t know-how. How do you tell your best friends that this has been the worst thing you’ve been through? That every day when I wake up I feel so exhausted, I wake up to an awful reality…a reality where my parents are as missing as I am, a reality where I have to accept that my family will never be completed again, no more “ _all the Kippens_ ” in my grandparent’s birthday parties or the holidays or my birthday…or his birthday…he will no longer celebrate with us his birthdays and that’s a thing I never thought, a thing that probably my brain wanted to erase but now I’m thinking on it. What are we going to do when his birthday is coming? What do you do when someone’s, who’s no longer with us, birthday is coming? Cry? Because that’s probably what my mother is going to do…and what I will do…but alone. 

Why did this happen? We were so happy, we were a great family, a good team…we were _the Kippens_ , and now we will just be the Kippens with something missing…his essence, his soul, his jokes, his laugh, his particular way of telling stories, he’s just not here, not with us and it hurts. It hurts my mother, it hurts my father, it hurts my grandparents, it hurts me…when these things happen you don’t know how to react, you don’t want to believe it, or at least me, and then when you accept it…you don’t know how to live your life anymore, nothing feels right, even laughing or smiling feels like a bad thing but crying the whole day feels wrong, every step you make feels weird, you can’t get it out of your head, it starts to create their own place in there, suddenly you stop living your normal life, your routine disappears, you don’t find the same things exciting as you did before, you just ask yourself “ _What now?_ ”. You have this fight with your own feelings all the time, you don’t know your feelings anymore. 

Grieving is a strange thing, I never thought it would happen like this, you usually expect it from old people but my uncle was young, I still don’t want to know _all_ the story and probably I will never change my mind but I really want to feel better, there are moments, just like a few hours, where I feel happy, well, not extremely happy but in a small portion, and then I feel sad again, I often ask to me _will my family be happy again?_ , but I don’t have the answer, obviously. I think that our way, my family’s way, of grieving is deal with it by ourselves and when we think that it’s been enough and that we need a hug and comfort words from others is when we finally tell people about it, people who are close to us, like Amber’s family. 

I’ve been getting a feel of peace whenever I play the guitar, it makes me feel that I can actually do something beautiful and important with my pain, with all the sad feelings I have in me, with the way I’ve been grieving…I’m not saying that I wrote like 30 songs, actually I haven’t written any songs I just play the guitar, I let the things flow the way they want, I don’t create the rhythm, the rhythm creates itself. 

“TJ are you sleeping?” I hear my father almost whispering through the door. 

What is going on? Did something bad happen? Is everybody okay? Oh, TJ move, move, move, you have to know what’s happening. 

“I’m awake” I open the door. “Something happened? Where’s mom?” 

“She’s doing some cookies” 

“She bakes when she’s sad, doesn’t she?” I never saw her like this. I suppose my mom never was _this_ sad before.

“Yeah…” He sighs. “I came because Amber called, she told me that you’re staying at her house tonight” 

“Oh yes, I was going to tell you, if you want me to stay with mom I can cancel” 

“No, no, go and have fun with Amber, you deserve to have fun, you’re young” Wait…what?

“Thank you” I try not to sound…you know…like…Are you serious? Is this my father? 

He goes with my mother and I’m alone again…looking at the ceiling, his words repeating in my head… _You’re young_. What does he mean? That I can’t be sad? That I have to enjoy my life after something so shocking? If that’s what he expects…I can’t do such a thing, I can’t have fun while he and my mom are sad, I would never do that. 

* * *

Cyrus’ POV

I can’t finish the book I bought the other day; it feels impossible to read, this never happened to me before. What is happening to me? Am I turning into another person? That can’t be possible…wait but turning into another person could be a good idea for my script…maybe I can add it like a twist…or maybe not…it doesn’t feel like _the idea_ that I want. I still can’t believe that I’m stuck in my script for I-don’t-know-how-many-days in a row. But something’s sure, I had a bit of inspiration while I was in the bookstore. 

Should I go to the bookstore again? You find many people in a bookstore, all of them with inspiring stories that I can take to my script and, _finally_ , write the best script ever, well, not in that way, but the best among the ones I’ve already written. What you do when you don’t have any inspiration? I’ve been asking me this for a while now. 

Do I need to go outside to find inspiration? Can I find inspiration right here in my room? While I’m looking at the empty file on my computer? While I’m sitting in my bed? When I’m looking at all the pictures I have with my friends? I still don’t know but I feel that, at least, I can’t. 

**_Good hair crew_ **

_ Andi:  Guys! I have some plans tonight, want to come to my place? _

_ Buffy:  Please tell me it’s not another party _

_ Andi:  But you LOVE my parties _

_ Andi:  And it’s not a party _

_ Andi:  I promise _

_ Cyrus:  What is it then? _

_ Andi:  My parents are going out, they need to go and find something that you Cyrus required _

_ Buffy:  So? _

_ Andi:  We can just do things, you know, like the old days _

_ Cyrus:  What does that mean? We did a lot of things when we were younger _

_ Buffy:  I would love to watch some movies _

_ Andi:  Yeah we can watch movies and sing and dance _

_ Buffy:  Now you’re speaking my language _

_ Cyrus:  Sounds great _

_ Andi:  I’ll be here waiting for you guys _

A night with Andi and Buffy may help me to find the inspiration I’ve been looking for, their stories will definitely inspire me. They for sure have some stories to tell me, we haven’t been in the same place for a long time and Andi’s house is the best place to talk and laugh and find something that I can write about in my script. 

And I don’t have to worry over anything because I’ll be in a safe place with my safe people just doing the things we enjoy…well, the things they enjoy, I can’t tell if I’m in the mood for watching movies tonight. I hope they don’t notice that I have changed a bit, changing is good, changing can also be challenging…and the challenging things in life is what makes us a better version of us, my challenge is my script, I feel lost and stuck on it, I have the idea of writing something else, but what? I don’t have a single idea, what should I change? Maybe different characters? Different time? Adding songs? Dance? What should I do? I’m clueless. I need help, but who am I going to ask for help? I’m still afraid that an attack will happen at any moment, I don’t want to feel stressed, I don’t want all the little problems to make me feel bad, I want to avoid them again but I can’t, I’ve been carrying these things for 21 years and I don’t think this is going easily, this will haunt me for some time until I decide to find help, but, sometimes that help isn’t enough. That’s what scares me. 

Many people come to see my parents, all of them, you expect that their son is a model, he has good mental health, he’s polite, he’s kind to everyone, he even knows these topics, he enjoys what he does, he has a great job, he’s so young and very talented…but then, the reality is another, their son, me, is actually dealing with so much stress all the time, he’s kind because he doesn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, he knows about those things because that’s all his parents talk about, he enjoys what he does? Not now, they don’t know how stressing is getting to write a single scene, a single line, I have no ideas, no inspiration and it’s getting harder and harder. People usually define you from what they see, I try to look like if nothing is wrong, my life’s a dream come true, my job is the best, what’s stress? Never hear of it, but when I’m alone…when I’m truly alone, everything hits me, all the things that happened in one day and that I’m trying just to ignore, so I write, I write because I get the inspiration from all those bad things and good things, but lately nothing feels like a bad o good thing anymore…they’re just…things. 

_ Jonah:  Is the good hair crew having a reunion? _

_ Cyrus:  Yes _

_ Cyrus:  I thought the girls told you… _

_ Jonah:  They did, I can’t go, I have to practice something with the band _

_ Cyrus:  The band? Are you in a band now? _

_ Jonah:  Kind of _

_ Jonah:  For the moment is only Marty and me _

_ Jonah:  We’re still looking for people _

_ Cyrus:  I see, good luck with it! _

_ Jonah:  Thank you, have fun with the girls _

Everyone can tell that the _good hair crew_ is only Andi, Buffy, and me and that Jonah it’s only close to us, I still haven’t found if he’s a member or just a close friend. 

* * *

TJ’s POV 

After hesitating if I should go to Amber’s house and leave my parent’s alone or stay with my parents and try to cheer them up…I’m on my way to Amber’s house but on the long way, I want to buy another book for my mom, who knew that she likes Shakespeare? Maybe if I buy her another book and we both read it she may feel better, but when it comes to my dad, I still don’t know what should I do, I can try on buying more Legos. 

I don’t have a clue what other book is the best for my mom I don’t think I will find someone that can tell me, that offers their help, like the guy from the other day, he looked like he knew what he was saying, he sounded confident, I wish I was as confident as him, but we can’t have everything in this life, right?. I always wanted to be more confident, maybe that’s my problem, I’m too shy and introverted, I’m too comfortable to have just two friends and stay like that, if I made more friends, if I was more confident the attacks may not be happening, well, no, that’s a stupid idea, even people like him can have attacks like me. No one is safe from them. 

The vibe of the bookstore is really calming, I should come more here not just when I don’t want my mother to be sad…

“Hey! We see each other again” Someone says behind me. 

“Excuse me?” I turn to them. Who’s this? “ _And you are_?” 

“I’m Cy…I mean” He clears his throat. “I’m Dennis” Who’s Dennis? Oh wait, he’s the guy that helped me with the book, he’s just wearing sunglasses…in the store…cool. 

“Right, you helped me the other day!” I smile awkwardly. How could I forget him? 

“Yes, did you like the book?” He finally takes off his sunglasses. 

“It was interesting…funny” 

“Funny?” He has a confused expression. “How is "Romeo and Juliet" funny?” 

“Uh…well…I found it funny…is something wrong with it?” Not everyone finds that book funny? I need to ask Amber.

“Of course not, there’s no problem…is just…is that…uh…I never found it funny” He smiles. “You must have to tell me your perspective…” He looks at me, like if he’s waiting for me to complete his sentence. 

“What?” I ask truly clueless of his sign. 

“You told me your name the other day but I couldn’t hear you clearly” He’s right. 

“Oh…I’m Brian” I smile. Sure, TJ your name is Brian. 

“Brian…that’s a cool name” 

“So is yours” Well, Dennis is a better name than Thelonious. 

“What are you doing here? Are you looking for another book? Do you need help?” He’s too nice to me…why? 

“Actually, yes, I was looking for another book from the same author” 

“The same? Don’t you prefer something different? A new style? Maybe from a woman?” He makes too many questions. 

“You sound like an expert” I stare at him…confused. 

“I like to read a lot” He smiles again. He can smile so easily, I could never. 

“Then I’ll listen to whatever you recommend me” 

Dennis is an intriguing person, he talks about books as if he actually knows them, not because he's a fan, he sounds like he has experience with them, I never heard Amber talk like that about books, not even when she was doing our homework and I was laying in her bed just listening so I wouldn’t be clueless at all. But Dennis is different, maybe he likes books more than Amber… 

He gives me the book he considers I will like and then he leaves the bookstore, this time he was the one who left me without hearing what he said before walking away. 

Maybe I can be friends with him, he looks like a cool guy, he can totally help me with the books I want to give to my mom…and in some way, I felt comfortable around him, that’s a good thing because I usually don’t feel like that with everyone, he looks like a social guy who reads a lot of books and who probably has many of them in this house, but he still looked like if something was worrying him…I now that because that’s how I look when I worry over something…anyway, I will probably see him again, but right now I have to go to Amber’s house or she’ll be worried. 

The way to Amber’s house is easier than I remember, but with many people walking in the streets, honestly, I prefer walking less from my house than from the bookstore, since when Shadyside has so many people? But I’m almost there, almost…just a few steps more.

“Why it took you so long? You live near my house!” Amber is there at the door with Iris waiting for me. 

“We thought you weren’t coming,” Says Iris with a worried look on her face when she sees me a little…bad? Maybe all those people in the streets made me feel something, like in the café the other day. 

“I wanted to buy a book” I try to compose myself.

“Another one? Since when you like to read?” Amber is _very_ confused. VERY. 

“I thought it was nice to start reading” 

“Oh” That “ _oh_ ” coming from Amber is kind of scary. 

* * *

Cyrus’ POV 

“Alright, Cyrus you’re going to the bookstore” I see myself in the mirror. “And you will find the inspiration you’ve been looking for” 

Yes, I’m on my way to the bookstore, something happens in there it gives me peace, and it has interesting people, I need to watch them and maybe talk to them, in that way I will find my precious inspiration, I just need to watch their expressions, the way they speak, the way they hold the books, what are they wearing, how they style their hair, if they’re tall or short, I have to look in their eyes, people always have things to hide in their eyes. Our eyes reveal secrets. They express when we are tired, sad, happy, angry, in love…they’re magical. When you look someone in the eyes you can feel so much, some people have a mysterious look, or that they need help, you can always count on the eyes whenever you want an answer. And right now, I need an answer, where has my inspiration go? 

Hopefully, there's someone interesting at the bookstore, I don’t know how is this going to help me, but since I always use other people’s stories when I write, meeting someone new may help my poor brain and imagination, I can’t imagine the scenes anymore, and it’s a bit alarming. 

The moment I enter to the bookstore I can feel _that_ vibe, the kind of vibe I needed, again, it’s funny how I avoided coming to this place and then, out of nowhere, this place is helping me, I have the feeling that this place is going to become even more interesting and good for me, maybe is the feeling of being surrounded by books and people who love books, I can see someone with a thriller in their hands, and a guy with some poetry, an old man with a classic, all of them may be good options for my writing, the person with the thriller gives me the vibe of a character who knows a lot of crime stuff, they may help in solving a case in my script…but I’m not sure of writing a thriller, that’s not _my style_ , the guy with the poetry…interesting…I can make the main character who's a fan of poetry and maybe they can write poetry too, maybe he meets someone who gives him all that inspiration to write poetry, he can be deeply in love but the other person doesn’t know, they're just living a normal life without knowing that he writes the most beautiful verses for them…maybe that’s too romantic? It’s a good idea after all. But the old man with a classic…maybe I can write something inspired in that period…no, I don’t think is a good idea, I’m not _that_ talented…I only have a possible candidate, that’s actually sad. 

I’m looking for more people and then…him…the guy I couldn’t hear his name, in the bookstore again, is this my lucky day? I approach him.

“Hey! We see each other again” I say behind him. 

“Excuse me?” He turns to see me. “ _And you are_?” 

“I’m Cy…I mean” I clear my throat. Did I almost say my name? “I’m Dennis” He’s staring at me like if he actually didn’t know who I am, come on I helped you to pick a book remember? Wait…I’m wearing sunglasses, that should be the reason why he doesn’t remember me.

“Right, you helped me the other day!” He smiles awkwardly. He’s really tall.

“Yes, did you like the book?” I take off my sunglasses. He needs to see my face clear of course. 

“It was interesting…funny” Funny? "Romeo and Juliet" funny? Who’s this guy again?

“Funny?” By the tone, I said that he might get that I'm confused. “How is "Romeo and Juliet" funny?” Please explain yourself. 

“Uh…well…I found it funny…is something wrong with it?” Well, there are different people in the world…

“Of course not, there’s no problem…is just…is that…uh…I never found it funny” I smile. “You must have to tell me your perspective…” I look at him, waiting for him to finally tell me his name. 

“What?” He’s really clueless about it. 

“You told me your name the other day but I couldn’t hear you clearly” I just want to know your name so we can be friends, please. 

“Oh…I’m Brian” Brian…it’s short, I like it. 

“Brian…that’s a cool name” 

“So is yours” Alright, I told him that my name is Dennis when I’m actually Cyrus… 

“What are you doing here? Are you looking for another book? Do you need help?” Maybe I ask too many questions but it’s just that I’m curious about him, maybe he can help me to find my inspiration.

“Actually, yes, I was looking for another book from the same author” 

“The same? Don’t you prefer something different? A new style? Maybe from a woman?” I can recommend a thousand books, Brian, just ask me to and I will do it.

“You sound like an expert” He looks confused, maybe suspecting? I don’t think so, he doesn’t look like the type of guy who goes to my plays. 

“I like to read a lot” I smile again. I need to make him think that I’m just a fan, I will tell him that I write later. 

“Then I’ll listen to whatever you recommend me” He really needs help…

Brian is a quiet guy, he’s just here, beside me listening to me talk about all these books, he can’t decide which one he’s buying. Maybe I’m talking too much, but it just that I love all writing. He has a serious expression, he’s just staring at the books in my hands and not my face, I suppose he’s shy, he has that vibe, the introvert one, but he has a strong presence…and he looks like…I’m not sure but he’s going through something hard, something bad. I can see how my phone is brothering our, well, my talk. I give him a good book, one of my favorites, I say a " _see you later_ " and I leave the bookstore. 

**_Good hair crew_ **

_ Andi:  Where are you, Cyrus? Your house is not that far _

_ Buffy:  Cyrus please come, Andi and I were making muffins and something went wrong _

_ Andi:  She’s lying everything is okay _

_ Buffy:  I’m not lying _

_ Buffy:  *picture* _

_ Buffy:  We burnt the muffins _

_ Andi:  I can’t believe it Buffy _

_ Buffy:  What? _

_ Andi:  You sent the picture to everyone _

_ Andi:  Check your twitter miss lies _

_ Buffy:  Why are we texting if we’re in front of each other? _

_ Andi:  I don’t know _

_ Andi:  Oh wait _

And that was a weird conversation between them, I can’t believe they burnt the muffins, they could just wait for me but they burnt the muffins, well, muffins are hard to make, I know, I’m not going to lie, even cookies are hard to make, I’ll just buy some muffins at the café. 

* * *

TJ’s POV 

“So, you bought a book because you like to read now?” 

“Amber, this is like the tenth time you ask me” I look at her. “Now I like to read, people change” I turn to Iris. “Right?”

“He’s right Amber” She smiles but I’m sure she’s done with us. 

“It just…it doesn’t make sense” And she keeps going. 

“My mom asked me to read it, she wants us to read things together, she says it helped her” 

“With what?” Iris asks. With what? With what TJ? Answer, come on.

“Yeah, with what?” Amber has this look in her eyes, she wants the truth. 

“Hey, who wants a milkshake?” I stand up and walk to the kitchen. 

How is possible that I can’t tell my best friends about this? Why can’t I say “ _Girls, my uncle passed away, we’re going through a difficult time_ ”? I really want to know why, I trust these girls with my life, they’ve been always whenever I needed help, but this is different? They know something’s going on, I can feel it, all I have to do is look at their faces…people are expressive, we can’t hide our emotions or concerns, and they’re worried, what if they already know? Did my father tell Amber’s parents? Is she waiting for me to tell her? Why Amber’s kitchen feels so suffocating? Something’s going to happen, I’m not ready for it. 

“Need help?” Iris says as she and Amber enter the kitchen.

“It looks like he already forgot the recipe” Amber starts grabbing all the ingredients. 

“Yeah, that happened” I grab my throat. “I’m sorry, I’m afraid I need your help with this, girls” 

“I don’t mind helping” Iris smiles at us. But she keeps staring at me it feels like she’s scanning me and looking for secrets. Maybe my behavior hasn’t been the best. 

I feel nervous just by the way Iris is looking at me, she’ looks like she knows something or maybe she’s looking for something, but what? Does she suspect something? Is that why I’m here? Is it something bad? Did I do something bad? What happened? I have too many questions and zero answers, but that’s normal because she can’t read minds. 

When we finish the milkshakes we’re just talking about many good things, Iris said that walker is going to teach her how to make a sculpture, and she’s excited, I can’t imagine what she’s going to…wait…what if that’s the reason she’s been staring at me? She’s been looking at Amber too much, is she going to make a sculpture of us? But isn’t that too difficult? 

Amber said that now that her parents are traveling a lot, she has been feeling lonely, that why she asked us to come. I can’t imagine how she feels, well, maybe I know how is it feeling lonely but not in the same way. She feels lonely because her family is traveling without her, I feel lonely because I don’t think I’ll find someone who can understand how much I miss my uncle, I really miss him, and without him…I feel lonely. 

Just thinking about him makes me feel sad or maybe I’m just sad, how much is this going to take? Grieving, I mean. 

* * *

Cyrus’ POV 

After buying the muffins I’m on my way to Andi’s house, I hope they still have the muffins they made, so I can see it with my own eyes and laugh, but in a good way, because we’re friends. I still can't process how those two women did such a thing, they make amazing cookies and kinds of pasta. Muffins were supposed to be easy for them, they can do everything. 

Well, I’m finally here, let’s see how it goes. 

“Hey” Andi says with a smile.

“Hello, where are the muffins?” 

“We burnt them Cyrus” I hear Buffy say as I walk with Andi into the house. 

“I thought it was a joke” 

“Do we look like we’re joking?” She says looking at me with her competitive look. Her ego must be broken right now. 

“I bought some muffins” I show them the box. 

“Oh, Cyrus, you’re the best!” Andi hugs me. 

“Come on Buffy eat one, here’s your favorite”

She takes the muffin and we start to talk, I didn’t tell them that I met a guy in the bookstore and that I lied about my name. They don’t need to hear that, they too busy talking about what they do, Buffy is talking about how everyone has gotten better in dancing at the theater, and she’s right, she’s a good teacher and she has good students. Andi talks about the gallery, they’re preparing for an exhibition and Walker is going to do a sculpture, she doesn’t know what she’s going to do for the exhibition but she will do something amazing, every time she makes new art it’s better than the other, she’s _that_ talented. I don’t know what to talk about, for the first time in a long time I only want to listen to them talk. 

Suddenly, right when I think that I’m in a calm space, something feels off, my calmness is gone, the girls are still talking but I can’t hear what they’re saying…

“I have to go to the bathroom” I try to walk as fast as I can until I finally find it. 

I sit on the floor, that’s the quickest move I could do. How is this happening again? Here at Andi’s house? Why? I’m here alone, hyperventilating. I’m hyperventilating and my first idea was coming to the bathroom, you’re a genius Cyrus, a genius. When is this going to end? I had a great day. This is going to happen even in my good days? I can see how Andi’s bathroom looks smaller, I’m staring at my shoes, trying to breathe correctly, I can’t. 

I can hear my name in a very weak voice, almost like a whisper.

_Cyrus! Cyrus! Cyrus!_

_Cyrus is struggling with something right now, for the next time, call before the next attack._

* * *

TJ’s POV 

“I’m happy you guys came, feeling lonely is the worst thing in the world” Amber hugs us. One of those hugs. The best ones. 

“Girls…something happened” I’m sure my voice is loud but it felt like a whisper. 

“I knew something was going on with you” Whose voice is that? I can’t identify it. 

“What happened Teej?” Who’s this? 

The same feeling, I can’t hear anything, I can’t breathe, I can’t see clearly, I’m just sitting there, I decide to stand up and go outside, running, I barely can see, I keep running until I sit on some bench, did Amber and Iris tried to follow me? Absolutely, and they probably were yelling “TEEJ” “TJ” “THELONIOUS” “HEY” “TJ WHERE ARE YOU GOING?” but I’m fast…fast and having an attack in some bench, I can hear how my breathing is too accelerated, I can’t speak, I really can’t speak, I try to say something but I’m just trying to breathe, trying to survive. I’m starting to accept that this is going to be my new normal, the attacks will happen at any moment even on the good days. I just want to know why is this happening. 

How do you get used to the idea that you will have to deal with attacks that come from nowhere? The idea already makes me want to throw up. 

I’m feeling dizzy, I still can’t breathe, or hear, or speak, I have tears in my eyes. 

_Hello, this is TJ Kippen can someone hear me? I need help._


	7. I’m glad you found me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Excuse my bad English!
> 
> My exams aren't over yet! But here's another chapter :) Is the story going as you expected? Let me know!
> 
> Song of the chapter: Nightingale by Demi Lovato

TJ’s POV 

My breath is finally normal again, I don’t have an idea where I am, all I know is that I’m alone, well, I’m not completely alone because a cat is sitting next to me, staring at me as if I was an alien or something but I suppose it watched the whole thing.

“I’m fine little friend” I look at it.

How am I supposed to go back with Amber and Iris after I did this, I ran away from them. But I’m an adult and I have to go back there and talk to them because that’s what adults do. Right? This is funny, I’m sitting on a bench with a cat next to me, we’re both staring at each other as if we were going to solve our problems with that. What kind of problems can this cat have? no, I shouldn’t say that. Maybe this cat has even more problems than me, I have to be empathetic with it. What’s wrong with me? I’m talking about a cat instead of going back to Amber’s house. 

“What should I do?” I ask the cat. 

“Yeah you’re right…I have to go back” I stand up. “Thank you, little friend” 

What am I going to say to the girls? I don’t know. Do I even have an idea of what to tell them? No. Do I want to tell them? Hell no. I’m stuck in this, I can’t just tell them “ _Sorry, I had an attack_ ” and pretend that nothing happened, they didn’t see me _in that state_ but they will definitely ask me about it and I don’t know what to say, maybe I can buy something and tell them “ _I forgot buying these, that’s why I left like that_ ” it sounds stupid…but I have to try it, I do stupid things all the time so…let’s go, maybe I can buy brownies, they like brownies…and coffee! They for sure want some coffee. The café is not that far as I know, I better keep walking. 

_Okay TJ let’s practice, what are you going to say?_

I don’t know what to say, well, I’m not telling them about the attacks, of course, I’ve said that like a million times, but I will tell them about my uncle, they’ll understand, they only want the best for me, so I’m sure they’re not going to push me to tell them more or something and even if one of them want the other will just say “ _no, let's give him time_ ”, so I stick to that, I know them better than anyone else. It’s not going to be a problem. I enter to the café…the last time I was here I left running and had an attack…but everything is better now…I know it. 

“ _I don’t know what happened to Cyrus”_

_“Me neither, he was just talking, and what happened? He’s still in my bathroom”_

_“You know, we shouldn’t have left him alone”_

_“We only came to buy some brownies, I’m sure than when we come back, he’ll be still in the bathroom”_

_“I’m worried about him”_

_“Me too Buffy, I feel like if we did something bad to him”_

_“Don’t think like that we didn’t do anything to him”_

_“Then what happened? He got bored with our conversation?”_

_“Maybe”_

_“But he loves to talk, did you notice that he didn’t say much?”_

_“What is he supposed to say? I work with him, I already know what he does”_

_“We don’t know it all”_

_“You’re right”_

Oh TJ, stop listening to what other’s are talking about, this is such a bad habit, I have to stop doing this, but the poor guy. TJ you have to focus on something different. What should I say? Again, I have this on my mind, and I still don’t know how to answer myself. 

After some minutes in the café waiting for the order, I’m finally on my way to Amber’s house…but slowly, I’m taking my time to think a bit more, I don’t know what are Amber and Iris going to say…or do…what if they are out there looking for me? It may be dangerous. Oh, what have I done? What if something happened to them? What if they are hurt? Or lost? What the hell am I doing? I have to run not walk slowly. I have to go and make sure they’re okay, safe, in Amber’s house waiting for me and not looking out for me outside where they can be in danger. Sometimes I’m so stupid. Now I’m running to Amber’s house, trying not to let the coffee fall from my hands, so I’m not exactly running I’m more like walking but faster, not much in my mind, just all the bad things that could happen while I was occupied with my attack back there and then in the café, how much is been? Like 30 or 40 minutes maybe, I left them for 30 or 40 minutes, I know I can’t be a hero or that I can protect them because they’re much stronger than me, but I’m worried, I’m very worried. I’m outside Amber’s house, hoping that they are here…and then…

“TJ!” Iris’ voice sounds, she’s in the window. 

“Teej!” Amber appears beside Iris. 

The next thing they do is run to the door and open it, they both hug me, they were worried I can feel it, their hugs are too tight, their expressions look like an “ _oh, thank you, you’re alright_ ” and I’m okay, physically I’m better, mentally well, that’s different. Iris takes the coffees from my hands and they lead me inside the house, Amber looks at the brownies and smiles, I knew the brownies were a good idea. I can feel something weird, a strange vibe. It’s obvious that they giving me time, but do I really need time? It should be easy telling them but it’s not, it feels like every time I think about telling someone about my uncle my brain and my body say “ _I don’t think so_ ” and everything becomes difficult, I can’t talk or breathe correctly and all I think is “ _this is the end, this is it, I can’t do it anymore_ ” and then I usually have an attack and then I don’t know what to do, I want to scream what’s going on with me but I’m afraid of it. I need some signal, something that tells me “ _you’ll be okay_ ” but I keep waiting and nothing, I feel like and I need somebody, but I feel alone even when I’m with my friends…how? I have to be brave and tell them why I’ve been so distant lately, I’m not going to tell them why I left running, but I already have that covered. 

“Girls” I make a pause. “I’m sorry for leaving like that” I look at them.

“Yeah, what happened?” Amber asks while she takes a bite of the brownie.

“I…I didn’t want to you look at me in that state” 

“Which state? You look fine to me” Iris looks at me in a confused way. 

“I know we have been friends for so long but every time I think of this thing I cry and I don’t want to worry you” I look at my hands, they’re starting to shake. 

“I don’t get it” Iris says. 

“What’s going on Teej?” Amber asks. “You know you’ve been…” And I interrupt her. 

“My uncle passed away” Silence fills Amber’s kitchen. “It’s just that…” I can feel this thing in my throat. “that we haven’t tell anyone, we’re trying to…” my voice is starting to crack. “to…deal with…with this on our own…” This is exactly what I was avoiding. “and…and…” The tears are here, I can’t talk. All I do is cry, I can’t even look at them. 

I feel Amber and Iris’ arms around me, they’re hugging me, trying to comfort me, they’re saying nice things to me. They are really trying but why do I still feel bad? Broken? 

* * *

Cyrus' POV

The attack is finally over but I’m still sitting on the floor, waiting for the girls to call me again, I’m sure they were the one’s behind the “ _Cyrus!_ ” but right now I don’t hear them outside, maybe they’re on the couch staring at their phones while I’m here. No, something’s not right, they’re always talking with each other, it’s like they never run out of topics, maybe I should go outside, but I don’t want to, Andi’s bathroom is looking so much better than before, everything is different once the attacks are over, it costs me a little but I feel better, I’m feeling better right now, not enough to go outside and talk with the girls about this, let’s just say that I feel better in my own way, at my own pace…but I definitely need to think in something to tell Andi and Buffy, I can’t say “ _Sorry I had an attack in the bathroom, but I’m back 100% better than ever_ ” because I’d be lying, I’m not better than ever, I’m not even better, maybe I can tell them that I have a stomachache, that has to work, I can tell them that before coming here I ate something with my mom from a restaurant she likes but the food was not good for my poor stomach and I felt the effects when we were talking and the first thing I thought was running to the bathroom because they know I have a delicate stomach, that has to work. 

I leave Andi’s bathroom with confidence, my confidence but no one’s here, the girls really leave me in the house alone while I was having an attack? Well, they don’t know about the attacks so I understand why they left, but where are they? Something important happened? Did they tell me but I couldn’t hear it? Okay, now I’m worried about them. For how long I was there? How much time it has been? Where are they? Why do I keep asking things to myself when I don’t know the answers? 

“Cyrus!” Andi’s voice makes me react. “You’re not in the bathroom anymore” She smiles. 

“Well, that’s obvious Andi” Buffy says as she passes me a coffee. “We bought you a coffee” 

“Thank you” I was about to drink it when…the lie I prepared! 

“What happened to you? You stayed in the bathroom for more than twenty minutes” Andi asks me and then she drinks her coffee.

“I have a stomachache, I’m sorry, I ate something with my mom before coming here and you know…” 

“You have a delicate stomach we know that,” Buffy says. 

“In that case, you shouldn’t be drinking the coffee, I’ll make you some tea, it’s better for you” Andi grabs my precious coffee and leaves to the kitchen. 

I can’t say another thing, I’ll just drink the tea, I can’t risk it all for one coffee, I know I love coffee but I can’t tell them about my attacks, I’m not ready to do that. Yes, they are my best friends, I trust them with my whole life but well, this is a serious thing and I need to be sure of what is happening to me before I tell them anything. I will tell them...someday, but not today, yeah not today, this is something I want to figure out before telling them. I want to understand why this is happening but I can’t tell my parents about it, I don’t want them to know about this yet, I want to do it myself, I need to do it on my own. I might be wrong about it, I might need someone else’s help but right now I don’t want it and I think I don’t need it, I can do this, I can do a lot of things and this needs to be one of them. 

The girls have been there always, but this feels different, I’m here with them, we’re laughing and eating brownies, drinking coffee, and tea, we’re just spending time together just like the old days, but on those days, we spent the time at the spoon. I really miss it…it feels like it’s been a whole life since then. Now we all have jobs and more stuff to do, we have more stress, or at least me, I live stressed all the time, my life is not easy and their lives either but somehow, I feel like I’m struggling more than them, I feel like the only one who’s struggling in this way, that’s why I don’t want to tell them, they look like they enjoy what’s going on in their lives but I’m not, I feel pressured, stressed and sad because I can’t end the thing I’m starting, I’m talking about my script, my damn script, I wish it could write itself because I don’t know what to write on it, it’s driving me crazy. But my main point here is that I don’t feel comfortable and secure with my best friends anymore, I feel alone in some way and that scares me. 

Am I broken in some way? Do I need some fixing? Why do I feel like this? Alone. All alone. 

* * *

TJ's POV 

It’s been two weeks since I told the girls about what happened to my uncle and it’s been two weeks since I had that attack and run away from them, I thought telling them was going to make me feel better but I feel even worse, they’re always looking at me with _those_ looks, you know the one’s that say “ _oh, poor TJ, I can’t believe it, he needs to be protected_ ” but I’m fine, well no, I’m not fine, I know it, I keep having attacks, they’re unpredictable, I had one while I was eating the other day, I had one when I was waiting for some thing my dad wanted, I had one on my way to the bookstore and another one on my way to Red Rooster Records, I’ve been avoiding getting out of my house, I haven’t seen Dennis in two weeks, he might think I don’t wat to be his friend or something like that; for almost a week I’ve been avoiding Amber and Iris and since _that day_ I’ve been avoiding everyone else, Marty has left me a lot of messages but I don’t want to answer, I can’t even look at my phone sometimes, if grab my phone I only play games but I don’t text anyone am I doing the right thing? Doing this is the only way I feel, kind of, better, I say kind of because I’m still getting the attacks and I can’t stop them. Maybe I should try and go outside, it’s been two days since my last attack, maybe it will help me. 

Or maybe not, I’m still debating it, I don’t know what to do and I can’t ask someone for help, at this point I think it will be better if I look for a professional but I don’t want to, I only want to do this myself but am I able to do it? I’m not confident enough, I worry too much, sometimes I find the way to solve things but when I can’t I feel even worse…that’s how I’ve been feeling, worse, every day when I wake up, when I eat, when I just breathe…I feel worse, I feel hopeless…like am I living my life right? Am I active enough? I feel really alone even with people around me, even with my parents, they can’t imagine what their son is going through right now, they don’t have an idea, I don’t have an idea, I keep trying to live my life the way I always did…but every time I do something I feel bad, I start to feel sick, and playing music is the only way I can calm myself…I wish I could scream how I feel, I wish I could tell everyone “ _Hey, I’m struggling! I have mental health problems, someone help me_ ”, but guess what? I can’t do it, I’m scared of it, I’m scared of asking for help, I’m scared of what people will think of me…I’m really scared of it, what would my friends think of me? Are they going to look at me like a freak? Are they going to still love me? How am I going to survive this? When is this going to end? Am I staying like this for the rest of my life? How do I live with this? Am I sick? Why can’t I answer these questions? 

The sadness that comes with grieving, this feeling of emptiness in your soul, not everyone feels the same, but that’s how I feel, I feel broken, uncompleted, something’s missing in my life, something is happening with me but I don’t understand. 

I need to go to the bookstore, they for sure have books that are going to help me with this, with the attacks I keep having and what is causing them, it’s easy, I only have to get out of my bed and do it, go outside, walk, buy the books and come back to my safe place…my bed. 

Come on TJ you can do it. You’re capable of it. 

And that’s it I’m on my way to the bookstore, my parents aren’t home, they’ve been visiting my grandparents, my whole family is struggling with this, we don’t have much idea of how people deal with this, and my mom just wants to be with her mother and hug her, comfort her, she lost a son, she must feel like hell, I feel like hell, I’m sure she’s even sadder than us, well, you can’t level sadness, it’s not a competition, we all feel things differently, we are just humans at the end of the day. 

As I’m walking and thinking, I can see in the park someone who looks lost, anxious? Like, the way I suppose I look when I have an attack…and yeah, I need to help them, maybe I didn’t say it before but deep inside I really wish someone would come and help me when I’m in that state, so I have to help them. The closer I am I can see who is it…it’s Dennis…he…he suffers from attacks too, maybe that’s why I felt so comfortable around him…but TJ focus, you have to help him, but how do I help someone who’s having an attack? I barely know what to do when I have one, how am I supposed to help somebody else? … I have to try, come on Thelonious. I just said my name and not my nickname so you know I’m serious. 

I approach him, he’s sitting on the grass looking at his shoes, trying to breathe correctly…Now I’m scared, he looks really bad…what if something happens to him? I don’t know what to do…or maybe I do? Probably not, I'll just do what I consider is correct in these situations.

I sit in front of him, he doesn’t see me, of course, he can’t, I can barely see what’s going on around me when I have an attack. I try to call his name softly…I don’t want him to get scared of me…after a few more “ _Dennis_ ” later we finally face to face…he looks…afraid? …I start to breathe the same way he’s doing it and slowing down once he started doing the same as me, he’s looking at me…right in the eyes…I feel kind of intimidated, I don’t even know where I got the courage to do this…to come and try to help him…he’s getting better, stabilized, and now is the time where I have to be even braver and talk to him. 

“Are you alright now?” I place my hand on his shoulder. 

“Yeah…thank you” He looks a bit embarrassed. 

“You have attacks too huh?” I say, not fearing anything right now. 

“You have attacks too?” He asks me…very surprised. 

“Yeah” I smile kindly at him. “I don’t know if I did the correct things to help you…it was just…my instinct” I look at my hand…still in his shoulder…I move it to my leg. 

“Well, I guess you did…I feel much better” He's staring at me…again…I feel intimidated. “I’m glad you found me” Wait…what? How do I respond to this? 

* * *

Cyrus’ POV 

“Cyrus you’ve been off of everything, please focus on this” Buffy says to me with a mad tone. 

“Cyrus we’re running out of time and you’re not you these past weeks” Cece says this time. 

“What are we going to do then Cyrus?” Bex asks me. 

“You took a week of vacations and the place is a mess we needed you but you don’t know what to do to solve this? Cyrus, it’s your musical” Buffy keeps talking…moving her arms with a disappointed face…while I’m standing there listening to every single one of them saying bad things to me. 

Since the attack I had on Andi’s house I been a little distant from everyone, I’m not answering phone calls or texts, I even took a week off the theater because I’m way too stressed with everything. My attacks are getting worse, they come from nowhere, even when I’m enjoying a movie or when I’m writing my script, that damn script, it’s getting on my nerves again, I’m writing it but it’s awful, boring, it’s just not good and that stresses me out. I haven’t visited the bookstore, I haven’t seen Brian, he’s an interesting man and I can’t talk to him and get the inspiration I need because my attacks don’t let me and I feel bad, I feel really bad but I can’t say it, everyone expects something from me and I can’t let them down. I need to be strong and ignore my stress but with my attacks it’s impossible. I can’t find an exit from this. 

And everyone is disappointed, everyone is mad, and I still don’t get what I did wrong, and they’re trying to tell me but I hear them at the same time, my mind can’t get the words, there are only voices, different voices that keep playing on my head, all I understand it’s “ _Cyrus, Cyrus, Cyrus_ ” but not in the same way I did in Andi’s bathroom, these are mad, these are telling me to give more, to solve whatever is making them feel this way, but I don’t have a clue of what to do. 

I can feel how another attack is coming, I’m feeling the same way I’ve been feeling these past two weeks. How am I going to get out of here when all of my crew is yelling at me? 

“I will fix it, I have to go” I shout to everyone and start walking, almost running, away from them. 

I start to run, I don’t know where I’m going, I’m just letting my legs do the work, I feel overwhelmed, I’m disappointing everyone…my musical is going to be a failure and people will say “ _Poor kid, I thought he was talented_ ”, my career is going to stuck right there. 

I sit on the grass, apparently, I’m at the park, alone, I stare at my shoes, again, I’m repeating what I did on Andi’s bathroom, the only difference is that I don’t see the park as small as her bathroom. This is not getting better…I’m not getting better. 

I hear someone calling a name…Dennis…Dennis…Dennis…is that Brian? Is he here? Looking at me in this state? …I look at him after he says my “name” a few times more…Yes, it’s him. It’s Brian. He’s breathing is the same as mine…is he having an attack too? Or that’s how everyone breathes? 

I can notice how I’m feeling better, my attack is passing. How I’m getting better?

Brian keeps staring at me, it looks like he wants to say something. 

“Are you alright now?” He places his hand on my shoulder. 

“Yeah…thank you” I feel embarrassed, he had to see me like this…

“You have attacks too huh?” He…he just said that? He has attacks too?

“You have attacks too?” I ask…surprised…extremely surprised. 

“Yeah” He smiles warmly. “I don’t know if I did the correct things to help you…it was just…my instinct” He removes his hand from my shoulder. 

“Well, I guess you did…I feel much better” I look at him. He did this by instinct? He’s really something else. “I’m glad you found me” I mean it. I’m grateful it was him. 

He stays quiet. Surprised. 

“I’m glad I found you” He smiles. “I know that these things feel like hell” He’s right. 

We stay in the grass, not talking. Just enjoying each other’s company. For the first time in weeks, I feel comfortable…secure. 


	8. We’re friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Excuse my bad English!
> 
> I've had a lot of homework this week:( but here's a chapter!
> 
> Song of the chapter: Two of Us by Louis Tomlinson

Cyrus' POV 

“Since when you have them?” I ask Brian as we’re looking for books. 

“It’s been like a month” He looks at me. “And you?” 

“It’s been like a month too” I look back at the books. “I was about to go to my job and I had one…and they haven’t stopped” I sigh. 

“It’s frustrating, isn't it? It feels like they’re going to last forever” 

“I know! Every minute feels like an hour” 

“And all these other things like dizziness, headaches…” He’s looking at a book while listing some physical symptoms. 

“Chest pain…it’s awful” I interrupt him. 

“Yeah...those too” He smiles at me. 

“You know…I don’t know how to react to the fact that both of us have to deal with…” I can’t even say it…

“The attacks?” He whispers and I nod. “Me neither, I actually avoided talking about this with everyone because I never thought someone else had them too” 

“I thought the same thing, I used to feel like the only person in the whole Shadyside dealing with this” 

In some way I feel comfortable with Brian, he actually understands what it’s like to have an attack…because he has them too. I’m not sure of telling the girls about this, well I’m not sure of telling them a lot of things. But especially this one. 

Honestly, I believe it’s good to have someone like Brian, you know to talk about our stuff, I still don’t know why he has the attacks and I’m not sure why I exactly have them but maybe he can help me to understand it and well, I can help him with whatever is going on with him. It has to be mutual, that’s how friendships work…and at this point, I start to question if I still have a strong friendship with Andi and Buffy, they talk about a lot of things, they share so much with me but I don’t do the same, I keep hiding stuff from them, they do so much for me, well, not with the attacks of course, but with everything else. I mean, Buffy works with me, but why I don’t feel connected to them anymore? What’s going on with me? We’ve been friends for years, we lived so much together. Why am I distancing from them? 

Brian and I spent about two hours talking at the bookstore, he’s a nice guy, we talked about our issues, I couldn’t tell him that I’m working on a musical as the director, I told him that I was part of the staff with some friends, I told him about how stressing it was for me and he actually listened to me, he paid attention to every word that came from my mouth, I told him how I truly feel and how I’ve been dealing with the attacks and all the bad feelings, about the physical symptoms. He talked about his stuff too, he lost a familiar, he’s going through something really difficult right now, I can see why he has the attacks, well, I think I know why. Losing someone is difficult, some people can handle it too well, they continue with their lives normally, but, there are other people…they take more time with this stuff, they don’t know how to react because everything happens so fast, one day they’re talking with them and then they receive the news, it’s shocking, they stop living the way they were used to and everything remembers them. The first kind of people have they moments where they miss this person when they cry, but they keep living, they set their minds to keep going no matter what, they lost someone but life continues, and no, this doesn’t mean that the others don’t know this, because they do, but their mind keeps recalling all, what they used to do with this person and what they liked, every single thing revolves over the person they lost. They know that life continues but they don’t want to move on because it could feel strange. 

And it’s interesting, that this happens to him, he’s the second kind of person I was talking about, he’s still stuck on what happened, and I know it didn’t happen like years ago, he needs time with this, it’s still too fresh. The feeling of losing someone it’s the worst, you start thinking about all the things you didn’t say and you wanted to say and now you can’t say. It makes you feel bad and your days start to be different, they all suck, and you feel trapped. But at the end of the day, you keep breathing, existing, living, and you have to move on, it hurts but it’s what you need to do. Everyone does it at their own pace. It’s normal and it’s valid. 

“Cyrus!” Andi’s voice sounds. 

“What?” I shake my head a bit.

“I asked what do you want to eat” She’s been really talking to me and I didn’t notice it.

“Whatever you want to eat, I’m fine” Yes, I say it, Buffy face says it all, she knows something is going on. She knows me. 

At this point, I feel like I’m just trying to survive, from what? I don’t know, why? I don’t know either, all I know is that every day feels like a labyrinth, like a scape room, I need to find how to get out of it but it takes time, then when I finally close my eyes I’m out, I’m free, and then…I wake up again, the same routine, the same feeling. And I hate that feeling, the feeling that you don’t know what you’re doing with your life, that you don’t know anymore how to live, you feel like a zombie but with a job and responsibilities that make you feel even more tired than you were before. Telling the girls that I will eat whatever they eat is not something I say often, I always know what to order but this time I’m too tired and distracted to think about food. The attack I had before is still rounding my mind, it felt so bad, the pain chests that been happening with my attacks it feels awful, the very first time I felt one I thought “this is it”. That’s how I felt before. And then…Brian appears, he was there at the right moment to do the right thing. 

* * *

TJ’s POV 

Dennis and I stayed in the grass for a while, the silence was good, maybe something I needed, not the kind of awkward silence I’ve been having with Amber and Iris but an actual comforting silence, maybe it was because I saw him having an attack…would it be weird if I say that I’m happy he has them? I mean, not in a bad way because they feel like hell, but that it feels nice to know that I’m not the only one, he’s struggling too, he’s suffering too, he has problems as I do. The problems are not something that only you have, there are people out there with problems too, we all have problems, I already knew that but I never believe it until today, until I saw somebody else having an attack in the same place I had one, when I saw him I felt something, I still don’t know what, but I did. He looked like he needed help and that’s what I gave him, my help. For years I thought I helped people, but I never saw the results of it, every time I told the girls what to do the things went a bit out of the way they wanted, but that’s their fault, I mean they’re asked for my help. But it’s not the same, not even close, this time my help was the right thing to do, maybe I can’t explain it with words but the way it felt, I felt useful, I can’t help my parents or myself but I helped him, probably it looks like something small but I helped, he said that he was glad I found him. The time we spent at the book store wasn't enough, we wanted to talk more about our attacks, we’ve been having them for almost the same time, that’s curious, without knowing it we were struggling with the same thing at the same time. And that’s how life is, you know, you might be living with all those troubles in your head and then you explode, then something happens, you’re broke in a good way because that exact moment is the one that you will be remembering for the rest of your life. 

The things I say don’t have much sense, what I’m trying to say is that, no matter what happens to me, my first attack will be following me for the rest of my life, I don’t think I will be capable of forgetting the feeling. There are moments in our lives that stay forever with us, we carry them because they mean something, they become our soul scars, not visible to everyone, not even to us, but you know they’re there, existing. 

“I work at the theater, I’m part of the staff, things have been a mess lately” Dennis says. He must have a lot of work every day. 

“That sounds like too much stress for one person” I look at him. I usually don’t look at the people much when we’re talking because I get nervous, but I can look at him and feel…nothing…he’s just another person…like me…nothing special. 

“It is” He looks at his hands. “What about you? Do you know why you have the attacks?” 

“I’m as clueless as you” I say. “But…” I continue. “I lost a loved one recently, it’s been hard” Did I just say that to a guy I just meet but took me weeks to tell the girls? YES. 

“I’m sorry for your loss” He looks at me, he doesn’t have _that look_ in his eyes, you know the same Amber and Iris have every time they see me. “It’ll get better, just give it some time” 

“How long it takes? It’s been over a month” I feel something in my throat. 

“I can’t tell…” He places his hand on my shoulder. “There are things we can’t control…this is one of them” I can’t speak. “It feels like hell, I know that” 

“Yeah, it feels like that” I try to control myself.

“But you know what? Emotions remind us that we are alive, if we don’t feel anything, what’s the point? You feel because you’re human, you feel like hell because you’re human” He’s actually wise. 

I found out today that Dennis is a really good person, he kept thanking me for being there for him and he kept telling me nice things about my…loss…is weird once you say it like that, this is the first time I say that word…loss…it makes sense because I lost an important person to me, someone who always made me laugh, I lost him. This word never made sense until today, until I heard somebody else saying it, not Amber, not Iris, Dennis…it’s funny to think that we are now friends…well, I think we are friends but I shouldn’t say it that early, right? Maybe he doesn’t look a friend in me…or he does? I’m not sure, I have never been good at getting things like these, it took me a while to accept that Amber was my friend…and I was a kid then. I’m already 21 and I still don’t know about this stuff. I’m not sure how attacks happen but it looks like…it feels like he, Dennis, had that one because of the stress he has in the theater, it must take his time and patience, I could never do that. But there’s something…

 _There are things we can’t control…this is one of them_ , those words keep ringing in my head, I know he’s right but I thought I could control a scenery like this but I can’t, we can’t, something deep inside me used to think “ _this will not last long_ ” but it’s lasting…why? I wish I could do something about it but I can’t, I don’t even know how to live with this. I still don’t know. Maybe Dennis does? Or not? I don’t get why I think things this much, why I’m always overthinking. 

Should I finally check my phone? Searching something…but what would I search? This is stupid. Well, maybe I should read my messages. It’s been a while and I feel better now…now that I know there’s someone else out there with the same problem as me, are attacks a problem? or they’re just…attacks? 

_ Marty:  Hello TJ, can we meet I want to ask you something? _

_ Marty:  It’s important _

_ Marty:  Whenever you have the time, just tell me _

_ Marty:  Did you change your number? _

_ Marty:  TJ are you there? _

_ Marty:  I really need to talk to you _

_ Marty:  I’ll give you some time _

_ Marty:  It’s been two days, are you there? _

_ Marty:  Are you ok TJ? _

_ Marty:  Please answer me _

Why does Marty need me? What does he need? What happened? Did he saw me getting an attack? Does he know about it? What should I do? 

_ TJ:  Hello Marty what happened? _

A message should solve everything, right? 

* * *

Cyrus’ POV 

Do you know what I like about brand new days? Exactly, that they suck, I have to go back to the theater and talk to everyone since our musical premieres in two weeks, how do I even have time to eat and sleep, I don’t know, seriously I don’t know, well, I don’t sleep that much, I’ve been getting some trouble to sleep, my eyes don’t want to close at night and brain doesn’t help, it keeps thinking a lot of stuff, mainly ideas for my script…my musical premieres in two weeks and my script is still uncomplete. How am I supposed to feel? This not the Cyrus everyone knows, when they find bout it at the theater, they will be shocked, no one expects this coming from me. I don’t even expect it from me, I thought I was going to finish it but every time I try to, I feel sick…you know…sometimes I even have attacks, it’s not funny, it’s never been funny. 

Cyrus Goodman struggling to write a script, sounds great for everyone that thinks I’m talented, I don’t know if I’m talented but I do what I like or that’s what I thought, I’m starting to believe that I was just lucky, I was lucky enough to start writing and get a job, and try to balance my life with it, my friends did the same, we work hard, but they look happier than me, they’re enjoying what they do…and I’m getting stressed…how do I tell my parents? I always ask myself _what should I do?_ But never get an answer. I still don’t get what’s wrong with me these days, am I too stressed that I can’t think of anything? Or simply I have to quit writing that script and look for another idea? Or I have to work even harder? I can’t do anything with this block, my brain doesn’t want to generate more ideas, good ones, I’m probably just bad at this, this might be the end of my career and it only took one musical and many plays to happen. I’m still young…why do I feel I can’t do anything right? I used to do everything, I was like a superhero in my friend’s eyes and now…you know how it’s been going. Every day, the way to the theater becomes not long enough, sometimes I only want to stay at home, going there has caused me attacks…I don’t even want to think about the premiere, there’s so much pressure, you can feel it when you walk into the theater, everyone is stressed, worried, doing their best and I’m glad, they have been working so hard all this time and I’ve been missing, I’ve been off, I just want to run away from everything but I can’t do it, I’m a professional at this, I should act like a leader. 

“Cyrus? Are you okay?” Cece appears in front of me. 

“Yes, I was thinking…we have so many things to do” I smile. 

“Of course we have” She pats my arm. “You must be nervous” 

“I am…I think everyone is nervous” I look at her. This woman is the strongest person I’ve seen, she’s been here working with me since the first day, she has to do everything alone when I felt bad, she’s the real hero from this musical. “You’re not nervous?” 

“No” What? “I believe in you and your talent, you created something beautiful Cyrus” She smiles at me. 

She actually believes in me, she must have high expectations over the musical, what if turns out to a horrible disaster? How do I explain it to her? To everyone involved in this musical? The pressure’s too much for me at this point, I just want to be at home, sitting in my bed, far, far, far away from this place that’s been causing me a lot of stress, a lot of sadness. Buffy’s right here, next to me talking about something she did with new friends, I don’t remember the names but they’re both women, she also says that Andi’s on her way to the theater, they want to go out with me because I’ve been distant lately. They think that the cause of it is the musical, they think I’ve been working harder these days because it’s almost the premiere…how do I tell them? It’s not the premiere it’s me, I’m the problem, everything’s my fault, if something goes wrong then everyone will point at me, this is not going to be on the actor’s hands, or the technical team, or the choreographers, or even Cece, it will be me and I haven’t been more scared in my entire life, I’m scared to fail. This is new to me. I’ve always been confident about everything and now I’m questioning all. I’m afraid and this is not something nice to feel. 

* * *

TJ’s POV 

“Why are you asking me to join your band?” A band? Me? In a band? How can someone think about it, I’m not the type of person who likes crowds and all the eyes on them. 

“Just think about it, me in the bass, Jonah in the guitar and you in the keyboard” Marty keeps talking about me joining their band. “We only need a drummer and that’s it” He claps, like if he just did a magic trick. 

“We really need someone at the keyboard and Marty says that you’re amazing with it” Marty’s friend talks this time. 

“Guys I haven’t play in a while an…” 

“Please TJ, you’re amazing remember? You have it on your veins, you’re talented, let’s do this” Marty looks at me, his eyes are begging me to join. 

“Alright, I’ll do it” Marty and his friend hug me and thank me. 

“I’m Jonah, by the way” He smiles at me after hugging me. Well, he could tell me his name before hugging me…a complete stranger to him. 

I have this habit of agreeing to almost everything people ask me to do, my parents know that most of the time I can’t say no, and honestly is because I don’t want to disappoint the person, they are expecting something from me and saying no…I just can’t. But the thing about being in the band it’s scary, I can’t even talk properly to strangers, how am I supposed to play in front of other people? When I play the keyboard or the guitar it’s amazing, I feel like a new person, like a TJ I never met before and I like it, I like the feeling but one thing is playing at my house and another one is being part of a band. I said yes without thinking, and now all the bad things that could happen are making special trips in my head. What if I have an attack right before performing? How do I explain that to Marty and his frie…I mean, and Jonah? How do you talk about attacks with people who don’t have them? With Dennis was easy, he understands what this means, he knows about them, he _has them_ , he's as normal as I am but for the rest, we might be weird, strange, because, well, how many people someone knows that suffers from attacks? Not many I suppose. 

What are the chances that we all know someone who suffers from attacks? I know Dennis now, but before? There was no one, that’s why I used to think I was the only one but I’m not, finding him made me realize that there are more people out there who are suffering from this, who have to deal with what I'm dealing with, that I'm not alone. I decided last night to try to keep going, I will live my life with this thing, with my uncle always in my mind, never forgetting him, _I'll be living one life for the two of us_ , or at least I’ll try, I couldn’t sleep just by thinking and thinking, my head was making so many noises and they all told me to _try_ , try to keep going, and that’s what I’m going to do, I can’t guarantee anything because still hurts and the pain is going to stay, my sadness will continue, the way I can’t express everything I feel will continue, my crying at the night will continue but me too, I keep closing my eyes with fear and open them relieved because I’m still here, breathing and living, maybe I’m not in my best moment, maybe my mental health is damaged in some way, maybe the attacks keep happening without a warning, but I have to keep going, keep breathing, keep living. 

“Hey, Brian!” Dennis is in the same place, waiting for me with a book in his hands. 

“Hello!” I smile as I approach him. “You look better than yesterday” I say checking on his face. 

“Thank you” He smiles. “But I’m afraid an attack might happen at any time, the theater has been a mess today” 

“The big day is coming and everyone’s freaking out?” I ask, he looks kind of stressed, worried. 

“Yeah, I’m scared something bad happen that night, what people will say?” 

“Well, they’ll probably criticize the director not the rest of the staff” He looks at me, his eyes want to say something but his mouth is still closed. 

“You’re…right…” 

Every time I see Dennis, he has that look on his face, that something worries him, or brothers him, but he can’t say anything, he can’t ask for help, which makes things harder because if he doesn’t want help…how can I help him? Well, I helped him yesterday with his attack and he looks relaxed after that happened, we’re just sitting next to each other, not talking, just in silence, the silence of the bookstore and actually is comforting, his presence’s comforting, it feels like we… _we’re friends_.


	9. Let’s make a deal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Excuse my bad English!
> 
> School's almost over! We're surviving! 
> 
> Song of the chapter: Afraid by Day6

Cyrus’ POV 

Tomorrow is the big day, the premiere is finally happening, everyone is nervous, everyone wishes each other good luck, some of them look happy and I look like I just got hit by a car, I haven’t slept well this whole week, I stayed awake until 7 a.m. today and got 3 hours of sleep, I don’t want to drink coffee because it doesn’t matter, I can stay awake or at least for some time, once I’m home I take naps, that’s what I’ve been doing this week, it’s the only way I can sleep, sometimes I take a nap at 6 p.m. and wake up at 10 p.m., but it’s just that I feel extremely tired, always sleepy but once the night arrives I can’t sleep. Last week I couldn’t sleep until 9 a.m., I had the feeling that something bad was going to happen…and guess what? Nothing happened. I really thought it was like the end, the real end, I kept repeating the words _this is it_ because it felt like that. Besides that, the days weren’t that bad thanks to Brian, he’s in a band now and they finally found their drummer, it looks like there are some bands here at Shadyside, Jonah has one with Marty, Brian is in a bad too, Jonah told me that they were already complete so it can’t be the same one. 

If you think things in the theater were a mess, then think it twice because right now it’s the real mess. How are we even surviving this? I don’t know, we all are trying our best. I’d be lying if I say that I’ve been good these weeks but no, I’m getting worse, the other day I almost have an attack in front of my parents, it was an intense moment, I still don’t know how I did it but I made it to my room and the rest is history. But right now, the only thing on my mind is the musical, and how this is going to be big, there’s so much on the table tomorrow night. How are the others feeling? Are they as nervous as me? Will they forget something on stage? What if the band cancels? What if I forget my grand closure speech? Many things could happen and I’m not ready for any of them. I’m going to have Buffy next to me and Andi in the crowd, they’ll definitely save me if something wrong happens, right? They’re my best friends in the whole world, they must know how nervous this makes me, how I can barely breathe, this makes me feel bad, I thought the bad part was the rehearsing but no, the bad part is this, it’s not planning a musical and rehearse with the guys, looking for a band, looking for someone to write the songs, the wardrobe, the makeup, the script, all of that was stressing and made me feel like crap but now, this feels more real, it feels like a real nightmare. Normal plays? Everything was perfect. Nervousness? Yes, but not like this. This time everything feels different, maybe it’s because I’m too _afraid_ to have an attack on the stage. 

“Hey, Cyrus! See you tomorrow!” Buffy says as she waves and smiles at me. 

“See you tomorrow!” I wave at her and try not to look _that worried_ or nervous. 

“We have to talk” Andi gives me a coffee. 

“I’m trying not to drink much coffee these days” I found out last week that coffee makes things worse. 

“Oh” She takes a look at the coffee in her hand. “Then I’ll just leave this to Bex and we go for a tea” 

On our way to the café, Andi’s pretty quiet, she’s making me nervous, maybe something happened, is everything alright with her? Her parents? Cece?! Or maybe she found about my attacks which only makes me even more nervous. But think Cyrus, she could not know about them because you haven’t seen her in almost a week, but what if she saw me the other day with Brian, we were talking about our attacks. Maybe I’m going too far, it’s impossible, right? 

“Here's your tea” She smiles. 

“Thank you” I look at the tea right in my hand. “What were you going to tell me?” 

“Oh, that” She looks at me still smiling. “Do you already know what to wear tomorrow?” 

So that was the question, the big question, the one that made me thought the worse scenarios…a simple _do you know what to wear tomorrow_ , I’m glad it’s something like that but on the other hand I feel like this is the dumbest question. However, I answer her, a real and honest _no_ , because I don’t know what I’m going to wear, I have most important and urgent things in my mind than just some clothes, but in some way she’s right I need something impressive to wear, it’s the big night after all. She also asks me if she’s invited like, she really expected me to ask her to come but she’s more than welcome to see my work and her grandmot…Cece’s work, she’s my best friend and Cece’s granddaughter. But yes, I got her some tickets earlier, she can invite some friends if she wants, she knows a lot of people and Walker knows a lot of people too, I’m sure she’s going to tell him about the musical. But, how many people actually like musicals? I wasn’t even sure if people liked plays here in Shadyside but maybe musicals can be a good difference, I mean, we all love to watch movies that have good songs but this is not the same, not even close I dare to say. Movies are great I love to watch Grease with Andi and Buffy; I think that is probably my first inspiration when I wrote this. But getting back to the main point of this, Andi can come, Walker too and all of their friends but my real question here is: _Should I invite Brian?_

* * *

TJ’s POV 

“That was a good performance Paul” Jonah pats him on the back, he’s a bit younger than us. 

“Thank you” He says shyly but with a real deep voice, not even putting Jonah’s voice with Marty’s and mine can make one as deep as his. 

“You’re in” Marty says as he smiles at him. “He’s in, right?” He whispers to me and Jonah. 

“Of course he’s in!” Jonah says with a big smile. 

“Yeah, you’re in” I smile as shyly as he spoke earlier. 

“You’re exactly what we were looking for” Marty starts talking to the poor Paul. “You were destinated to find us” 

“Marty please don’t scare him” I say. “We’re glad you’re with us in the band, thank you for calling” I try no to sound shy, he only smiles. 

“We can practice tomorrow before 8 pm” Jonah suddenly says. 

“Do you have plans?” Marty asks as if Paul wasn’t as confused as me. 

“Yeah, I have to go to a musical” He’s writing in a notebook. “Here are the numbers of the others” He hands Paul the paper. 

“Thank you” Again, shy. 

“I’m TJ and he’s Marty” I point at Marty and I smile at him. 

“I see you tomorrow, thank you again, have a nice day” Paul says without meeting our eyes and he leaves right behind Jonah who’s leading him to the door. 

And just like that, we have our drummer, if you take some time to think about this, is kind of funny how we got in the band, Jonah and Marty are like the extroverts and me and Paul the introverts. Paul plays extremely well, he’s really good at the drums and now that we have him, we’re going to sound even better. Jonah and Marty have some songs that we’ve been practicing but something was missing…the drums…we needed a drummer and now we have him, I couldn’t be happier for our band. Being part of this band makes me feel good. I’m still thinking of what Jonah said, that he has to go to a musical, I didn’t know he liked musicals. 

Amber and Iris told me, well, they are making me go to a musical tomorrow, they said that a friend was going to get the tickets for them and me, so, I guess I’m going to the same musical as Jonah. But I really hope not to see him there, the girls still don’t know I’m on a band right now and I’m sure they going to start to make a lot of questions about it. The only one that knows, besides the members, is Dennis. We’ve been texting and not meeting because he’s been busy and me too, I try to go and practice with the guys because that’s the only way I’m not thinking of my uncle. The attacks continue and now I barely sleep, well, before I didn’t sleep either but now it’s getting worse, staying awake until 6 or 7 am, it’s a nightmare, I try to sleep but I can’t, I use a thing for my eyes that my mother gave me, I listen to music, to nature noises and nothing, I even tried drinking a tea that’s supposed to relax me but it only makes me stay even more awake, Dennis is having the same problem as I have, we don’t text at night but in the morning we tell each other “ _I couldn’t sleep all night_ ”, after that I guess we’ll talk more in the night. But the attacks…I really wish they could just go away, it’s so hard to concentrate on anything when I’m always scared I might have an attack in front of everyone else. 

* * *

Cyrus’ POV 

I couldn’t sleep again, the whole night the only thing on my mind was the musical and all the things that could go wrong. I’m scared, afraid. I didn’t dare to invite Brian to this, so I’ll just talk about how a big disaster happened and we’re going to laugh. I wish I have the bravery to tell him “ _Hello, my name is Cyrus, not Dennis, sorry for lying_ ” but I can’t. What if he decides that he doesn’t want to be my friend anymore…that’s why my parents told me my whole life to not tell lies. I’ve been thinking about what would happen if I tell him the truth and every time I do it, I just want to forget it, I don’t think a happy ending could be possible. But if I’m honest, I’m dying to tell him, because you know, I don’t even know someone named Dennis and I don’t look like a Dennis. How does a Dennis look like? 

As I expected the way to the theater feels so short, the day feel cold, my steeps make a lot of noise, I can hear them very clear, every step I make means that I’m near from the inevitable event…the musical, they have been practicing the whole morning and now we’re just moments before the grand moment. I stand outside the theater looking at how pretty everything looks from the outside, when you see it from this perspective it looks amazing, beautiful, you only want to enter and watch it…I wish I always had this perspective. Everyone is moving from here to there so fast, everyone looks even more nervous, even Cece looks nervous, I look nervous, I dressed with the best I had, put on the prettiest shoes I own and fixed my hair in a very cool way, you can tell I look good but I don’t feel as good as I look. 

“You’re ready? it’s almost time” Cece asks me smiling, a nervous one. 

“I don’t think so, I’ve never been this nervous before” I place a hand on my chest for a moment. 

“Probably because it’s your first musical” She pats me on my arm. “I’ll go and check if Bex needs some help” 

“Oh yeah, I’m going to stay here if someone needs me” I’m trying my best to look fine, it’s hard. 

In just a few moments more this will start and the potential end of my career too, but I trust everyone here, they can make an amazing job, I believe in them, but a part of me keeps thinking that something is going to be wrong and everything’s going to be my fault and that’s it, Cyrus’ writing career is over, in just a few moments, I will have to find something different to do but I can’t imagine myself doing another thing, I’m already used to do this, every day, I can’t leave this. I need someone to tell me that nothing’s going to be wrong…where is Brian when I need him? Right, I didn’t invite him, he already saw me have an attack before and if I have one tonight, he would be there to help me but he’s not. Will the attacks be over once the musical is over? Or am I have to deal with these even more time? 

* * *

TJ’s POV 

Amber, Iris and I are already at the theater, they are waiting for their other friends and I sit somewhere far from them so I don’t interrupt them, it might sound stupid but I don’t want to meet their new friends or at least not for now, they made me come to this musical and I wasn’t expecting to sit next to some people I don’t know. I excused myself and sat in a good place next to some old people, the vibe of the theater is really nice but I could never get used to this, maybe it’s too much stress for one person and if I’m not used to this place, I could have attacks all the time. During these weeks I found that my attacks might be a cause of the loss of my uncle, that was the thing that made me explode. 

The musical starts with a really nice scene of a girl, then she meets a guy, it’s a romantic one I guess, it’s cool, sometimes the girls think I should watch more romance movies or tv shows and now read more romance books, I’d be lying if I say that I didn’t love Pride and Prejudice when I read it but maybe I only like certain romance things, since I’m not a fan, but this musical is really good, I like the way the characters are portrayed and the songs are amazing. I try to find the girls in the crowd, it’s a big place and there’s a lot of people, they’re almost on the front next to some girls, their friends I suppose and Jonah? He’s right there sitting next to Iris enjoying the musical, now I’m even happier I didn’t sit with them. How I was supposed to explain how I met Jonah? This is a hard question, just like the one I’ve been asking myself for the past days. _Should I tell Dennis who I really am?_ Brian is a nice guy, but that’s the name of a musician I like, TJ is different? Well, his not but Dennis might see me differently if I tell him, I don’t want to risk this short time of friendship we have, but lying about my name doesn’t make me feel better since we’ve been honest with a lot of thing with each other, why can’t I just tell him “ _My real name is TJ, well, not TJ, that’s short for other names but they’re too embarrassing, I tell you later_ ”, but no, that will definitely sound weird and I want to keep our friendship and not scare him away. 

The crowd stands up and starts applaud, I do the same, the musical is already over, and got lost in my thoughts once again, but told by the music it was a really good one, I might not go to many musicals but this is the best. 

“Thank you for coming tonight” A woman appears on stage. “This was the first musical ever from the man who wrote this, you probably know him very well” She smiles. “He’s a very talented young man, he worked hard for this musical, for you to enjoy this musical” I suppose the guy is going to come to the stage. “I am truly honored to have worked with him during this musical” She makes a short pause. “Please welcome our talented writer Cyrus Goodman!” She shouts in excitement and everyone does too, they applaud again…but Cyrus doesn’t come to the stage yet. “Cyrus Goodman!” She calls him again…and still nothing. Everyone starts whispering to each other about where could Cyrus be? My phone rings, I got a message. 

_ Dennis:  Hello can we meet at the park, I need you. _

_ Dennis:  You know which park. _

I make my way to the exit, no one notices, they are too occupied whispering about the poor guy, but that name is familiar, I’m pretty sure I already heard that name before but where? 

* * *

Cyrus’ POV 

The musical is about to end, I see the crowd, their faces, my friends are watching it with a serious face, that’s the way it looks from here, Cece is talking to Bex in front of me, Bowie and Jonah are talking while they read something from a paper, it looks like a new song. The staff is walking, checking everything’s alright. 

“Are you ready? I prepared a good speech when it’s time to introduce you” Cece’s facing me now. 

“Uh-Yeah, I’m ready” I try to smile. Something inside me is telling me to run away, I can feel how something grows on my throat and how my hands get colder. 

The guys sing the last song, the crowd is applauding but I can’t tell if they really like it…Cece starts to walk to the stage and starts saying. 

“Thank you for coming tonight” She starts. “This was the first musical ever from the man who wrote this, you probably know him very well” She smiles. “He’s a very talented young man, he worked hard for this musical, for you to enjoy this musical” I can’t listen to this anymore, I can’t stay here. Everyone looks focused on Cece or on their own things, I walk towards the exit. 

I know I did bad on leaving Cece and everyone like that, but I couldn’t take it, my hands are shaking, I can’t grab my phone, I start writing Brian a message while I walk to the park, my legs start to feel weak too, my vision is blurred and I can’t breathe, I’m hyperventilating, I try to sit on a bench but I fell into the ground. 

_This is it. This is it. This is it._

That’s all I can think about, how long is going to take Brian to come? He’s probably at his house right now and I’m at the park having another attack, alone. I feel someone trying to get me off the ground, they're saying something but I can't hear them clearly. I only hope that it’s not Jonah or Bowie looking for me. I knew that coming to the park was a bad idea but I couldn’t think of other places and even if I tried to go somewhere else, in the end, it was going to be the same…have an attack at the park…again. All I could think about was this bad sensation, the idea of walking to the stage and seeing all those people's faces, including my friends…it’s just something I don’t want to think about anymore, right now I feel I disappointed everyone, especially Cece, she doesn’t deserve what I did. No one deserves it. I left because I’m so afraid right now, if the musical has success then me running away is going to end my career. How am I going to explain this to everyone tomorrow? 

After some time, I’m finally okay, my breathing is normal and my hands aren’t cold anymore, I can see and hear clearly, Brian is sitting next to me on the bench. I’m still not sure how he came so fast to the park but I’m grateful he could make it. We’re not talking, he’s probably waiting for me to talk first, I always talk first, he’s still a bit shy every time I have an attack or when he has one, I’ve been there for helping him too, we already saw each other having attacks. Maybe that’s why we became friends so easily, well, that and the fact that I’m a bit talkative. I decide to talk. 

“What if we run away together?” I ask him. 

“What are you talking about?” He looks kind of scared of what I said. 

“Just for the weekend” I look at him. “We can use a pause from everything” I sigh. “You had an attack yesterday and now I have one, we’re still having them, that’s why I said it” I look at my shoes. 

“Oh…” He doesn’t say more, maybe my idea was too much for him. 

I didn’t explain to him why I had the attack or why I was dressed up so elegantly, at this point my head was screaming “ _Tell him the truth_ ” but I didn’t, I’m not ready to, potentially, lose this pretty friendship we have. I mean, I texted him to come to the park because I needed him and he came right away, he’s not questioning me about anything but on the other hand, my phone’s screen keeps illuminating every 30 seconds with a new message, I guess the girls are wondering where I am. Brian suggests walking, he says that the air in my face can help me, and moving my legs will help me not to be afraid of not moving them. I don’t know if anyone started looking for me after we started walking, all I know is that I feel more like Cyrus Goodman next to Brian than anywhere else. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yesterday I was editing the chapter and accidentally clicked on "post chapter", it was embarrassing haha


	10. Welcome to…reality

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Excuse my bad English! 
> 
> School's getting very stressful, but it's almost over! Here's a chapter, hope you like it! :)
> 
> Song of the chapter: Falling by Harry Styles

Cyrus’ POV

What I was so afraid to happen never happened, I told them I got an emergency and I had to leave, it was easy, nobody complained at all about what happened, Cece was worried something bad might happened to my parents but I handled it, they congratulated me, the audience liked the musical very much. I’m glad things turned out well. After Brian and I started to walk, he told me to _make a deal_ , he said that if things get worse, we will leave for some days, escape from the things that make us stress, the things that make us feel bad, the things that make us have attacks. But can we really escape from them? Is it possible to run away from all these things without them coming back at any moment? How long does it take for these things to get back to us again? How long the peace lasts? The calm? The good feeling? I barely feel happy, there are a few moments that make me truly happy but after that, I feel like every other day, there’s nothing special about anything out there, so, that’s what I’m asking now, running away from Shadyside is the answer? Or is it a stupid idea? 

Thinking about all the things that can possibly go wrong right now if I decide to tell Brian my real name is making me very nervous, I still don’t know where I got the courage to do this, but I already decided it, I’m going to tell him. How? I don’t know. Where? I don’t know either. All I know is that I want to see him and say “ _I’m Cyrus Goodman, not Dennis_ ”, and he will probably be confused, I can picture his expression and the words “ _What?_ ”, the tone of his voice and me regretting saying that but still sure of what I’m doing. There’s a possibility that he doesn’t mind about me lying but there’s a big chance of him getting mad, well, I’m not sure, he’s a really nice guy, he understands other people’s reasons and feelings, he tries to be there and give you support. That’s only one of the many things I learned about him. He may try not to be the center of attention because he doesn’t like it but inevitably, he has some appearance that makes people look at him. 

Right now, I can see how a lot of people place their eyes on Brian and how he’s only waiting for his drink, they’re probably impressed by his height, I suppose. I asked him to come here, I’m waiting for the moment I can finally tell him my real name, no offense to any Dennis’ out there. I’m sure of what I’m doing but I don’t know if I’m actually going to do it, I see him, I hear him, I can feel this cool connection between us, how our friendship is getting stronger, maybe this is not the time to do this, but I want to do it so bad, I can’t pass another day without telling him who I am, who I truly am.

“So, how is your tea?” He asks me with a warm smile.

“Great, I’m not used to drinking tea, but it’s not that bad” I smile.

“You said you had something important to tell…” He makes a short pause. “Tell me”

“Uh-yeah, I forgot about it…” I look at him, he’s there, waiting for an answer. This is your time Cyrus. Let’s do it. “I-I wanted to…ask you about the song you mentioned the last day, you said you wrote one for you uncle” Yeah, I can’t do this, it’s too much.

When we finish our drinks, we walk to the park, he’s going to show me, and sing, the song, we already know when there’s no one at the park besides old people walking their pets, the vibe of everything when we are together is just calming, his company brings me so much peace, he really makes me feel comfortable, I can be _Cyrus Goodman_ …but for him, I’m not him…I’m Dennis…and again I have all this stuff in my mind, my head tells me to say the truth but another part of me doesn’t want to do it, that part it’s afraid this, _this_ , could be gone after that. And, it’s not been long but I don’t want to lose this, it’s _too soon_ , I can’t risk it all, risk this friendship, this connection. Brian is now getting ready, he's holding his phone so he can see the lyrics and start singing, then he starts, he has such a nice voice, I’m surprised he’s not the main vocal of his band, well, I don’t know his band yet but he talks about them a lot…his song is so emotional, he really wrote his heart in this, his feelings. Everything is going fine until…

“Hey, Cyrus!” Buffy waves at me and approaches us. I look at Brian, he’s confused. 

“Buffy!” I smile at her. But this is not good, this is not good at all, what is she doing here? Why is she calling my name? out loud? In front of Brian? Why, buffy, why? 

“Where have you been lately? I only see you at the theater” She’s right, I keep avoiding everyone. She notices Brian, she looks at him like she already knows him. “Oh, hey! You’re Amber’s friend, right? I saw her phone screen” Amber? Who’s Amber? And why she knows Buffy? And Brian? 

“Yes, I am, it’s a pleasure” He smiles. She smiles at him too then she looks at her phone.

“Sorry, I have to go, but it was nice meeting you” She looks at me. “I call you later, Cyrus, Andi has some exciting news for us about the gallery” And she leaves. 

I’m staring at my shoes, I do this often, right? That’s the only way I can compose myself when I feel everything falling apart. I can hear how everything in my head is making so much noise, how these walls are falling, how someone is pointing at me and taking off my mask while they're saying “ _look it’s Cyrus Goodman! Cyrus Goodman! Not Dennis, Cyrus!_ ” and it doesn’t feel nice, _I’m falling_ and I need help. Brian is not talking; he’s waiting for me to say something but I’m not sure if I’m capable of saying anything. I take all the courage I can and face him, I’m about to open my mouth when…

“I’m not blaming you for lying about your name, don’t worry” He keeps staring at me. “I did the same…Cyrus” He did what? What’s his name then? 

“Then…”

“I’m TJ” He gives me a nervous smile. “We both lied about our names, I guess we were destinated to become friends” How can someone joke about it? He’s now making jokes? Like actual jokes? To make me feel better?

“Yeah, let’s not think in all the legal stuff” We can get in trouble for this, right? I’m not sure of it, I’m not a lawyer, damn it. 

“What legal stuff come on, you’ve always been Cyrus and I’ve always been TJ” He raises an eyebrow. “We are still friends, right?” I don’t know what to say, our friends are friends, but will things be the same as they were when we used fake names… “Cyrus?” His eyes are desperately waiting for an answer. 

“I…I don’t know, do you think everything will be the same between us?” I’m scared of his answer.

“Of course” He frowns. “I guess that’s a thing you have to discuss with yourself, don’t worry I’ll leave” He stands up. “It was nice being friends for this short time, thank you” And he leaves…I’m alone at the park, just sitting on the bench. 

What are you doing Cyrus? He is the only person that actually understands you, he’s been there for you when you had attacks, he listened to you complain about everything, why are you letting him go? He’s the kind of friend you were looking for…and now he’s gone. It’s always the same, I make people leave, what a bad habit Cyrus. 

* * *

TJ’s POV 

Is it normal to feel empty? I’m immersed in this emptiness since Den…Cyrus told me, well, he didn’t say anything and I only ran away from him, I’m a coward and I’m not afraid to say it, maybe I shouldn’t do that, I’m impulsive all the time, I can’t control myself sometimes and I like to assume things and then I regret it and think about it for hours and hours. What if Dennis, I mean, what if Cyrus was going to say something different? This was a pretty weird way to know his real name and I thought I handled it cool but I was wrong. The girl was with Amber and Iris the night of the musical…wait, it was his musical, Cyrus’ musical! I was at his musical, this whole time his “I work at the staff” was because he actually wrote the musical and was there to make everything function, to direct things. And he was, probably, the guy I switched coffees with, all this time everything was connected to him and I never saw it. 

I have known Cyrus before actually knowing him? I know it sounds confusing, but, right now all I can think about is about how I left him, he was there probably feeling so bad for not telling me this earlier and I left, we have been friends for not a long time but enough to get to know him, he can be pretty emotional sometimes, he might be feeling like crap right now and I’m on my way to Jonah’s house to meet with the rest of the guys. Cyrus suffers from the same as me and I left him…how am I be able to play with all of this in my head? Jonah is talking with Marty about the song we’re going to play, it’s a good one since they wrote it together. Paul is sitting in front of his drums ready for us to tell him “ _l_ _et’s play_ ”, he’s looking at the floor, or maybe his shoes? Just like Cyrus does. Can my brain not think about Cyrus for like two hours at least? Or just five minutes? I need to concentrate. 

“Are you okay?” Paul sits next to me, his deep voice scares me a bit. 

“Yeah, you only scared me” I look at him trying to force a smile, and obviously it goes wrong. 

“I’m sorry” He says immediately. “You seem off like if your mind was somewhere else” He, for the first time, stares at me. 

“Something happened with a friend” I start. “And I don’t know what to do” 

“Maybe I can’t help much but you can tell me if you want, I’m a good listener” He gives me a smile, a nice, tender one. 

“Well…” Just when I’m about to open to him, Marty speaks. 

“Alright let’s start guys!” He looks at us. “You’re finally bonding, that’s great!” He says as he gives us applauses. 

We start to play and honestly Paul on the drums is just what we needed, we sound so much better, he’s our last piece, our missing last piece and I’m glad it’s him. Jonah wants us to sing with him but Paul is too shy to sing with us, me too but I feel this will help me to open a bit more and being more like De…like Cyrus, he’s really an inspiration, so free, so cool…he’s just himself, without any fears. And then there’s me, I'm afraid of almost everything, I can’t even imagine talking in public with people I know, when they are only strangers, talking comes naturally but when there’s someone I know, I freeze and I fill my mind and body with fear...after I joined the band all I was thinking was “ _what if…?_ ” and all the bad things but when I told Cyrus, he really helped me to get off the fear and see things as an exciting opportunity and unique experience. It’s funny how I can see him as a comforting place, talking with him was my comforting place and I’m not sure if that’s going to be the same or not. It’s too sad now that I think about it. 

After we finish playing for the day, Jonah and Marty say that they’re going to write some songs together and if we want we can write some together, Paul looks at me and he nods, then we leave Jonah’s house together, I thought he was going to his house but he’s walking next to me, not looking at me or talking, he is just there keeping me company, and, I suppose, waiting for me to say something first, that’s what I do with Cyrus, I wait for him to speak first and he always does it. But now I’m the one who has to speak first and, well, I’m not really good with words and Paul is not good with words…we’re an interesting pair. But I have to do it he doesn’t even have an idea of where we’re going, he’s following me and that’s not a good plan, I’m not a good leader. 

“So…” I start, how am I going to continue? Only my brain knows. “Are we going to write a song together or…?” Come on brain, let the words leave my mouth. 

“We can talk about your situation” He completes what I said, still not looking at me. 

“Fine, well, uhm, I met this guy and we discovered that we both suffer…” I’m not sure of what I’m doing but Paul seems like a good keeper so. “Attacks, you know, panic attacks, but he told me his name was Dennis, and today I found out unusually that his name is actually Cyrus…” He’s still quiet, just listening. “And, well, I lied to, I told him that my name was Brian not TJ…and now I don’t know what’s going to happen” 

“Sounds like a pretty confusing situation” He finally looks at me. “But if you’re worried you lose his friendship then you should go and talk to him” He makes a short pause. “You can’t let go of something that makes you feel good” I don’t know what to say, I’m impressed by his words. “And don’t worry I won’t tell about your panic attacks” 

“Thank you so much, especially for the attacks thing” I smile at him, this time a genuine smile. 

“It’s fine, I can keep your secrets” 

“Do you have one you want to share?” So it can equal and I don't feel weird, come on Paul. 

“We can talk about it after we write something, there’s no rush” He smiles. 

* * *

Cyrus’ POV 

I’m in my room after Brian…TJ, left like that, I’m happy he thought we can still be friends but then he assumed I don’t and left me, this is a new behavior of him, I’m starting to know him more and more as the time passes. But if I’m honest, I feel bad, I’m really emotional, I wanted to cry so bad, I decided to come to my room and just stay here, I wanted to talk to someone about this but I don’t have anyone…or at least someone that will understand this, Brian…TJ was the only one I had and now he’s gone. The only good thing coming from this was that I could finally write something, I’ve been writing since I sat down and my hands touched the keyboard of my computer, I didn't stop, maybe I needed something like that to inspire me? I mean to feel immensely sad thanks to TJ. I’m not saying it in a bad way, I really want to call him, to tell him how he misunderstood everything and that I want us to still be friends and help each other. To let go of this thing since we both lied about our names because everyone makes mistakes, no one is perfect, we learn from those mistakes, we’re humans, and to be human is to be wrong like we both did. We’re just two guys that have a bond over the same thing but that somehow become close and good friends, and I don’t want to lose that. 

I take a look at my phone, to TJ’s chat, I want to write something but I believe a call is better, but I don’t know what to say, how is that possible? When it comes to TJ I’m speechless most of the time, I learned how to listen better and talk less, to be more patient, and to see the bad side of my actions, because not everything is a fairy tale. I already knew that but it’s nice that someone actually showed it to me and not just as a help for my scripts. Buffy’s calling me, I’m sure she’s going to ask me about TJ. 

“Hello!” I hear Buffy and Andi’s voices. 

“Hello, girls” I say in a neutral tone, I don’t want to show that I’m sad. 

“Buffy told me that you know Amber’s friend, you know he was at your musical, but he sat somewhere else, we couldn't meet him then” TJ was at the musical? Of course, he was there, that’s why he came so quickly to the park. 

“Since when are you two friends?” Buffy asks. “You looked pretty comfortable with each other” 

“It’s been a while” She’s right, I’m comfortable with him. “Girls, I have to go, I’m writing my script right now” 

“Oh! Then we leave you in your creative time!” Andi's voice fills my room before I say “goodbye, I love you” and end the call. 

Now I’m sure of what I have to do, the girls helped me in some way without knowing it, I have to call TJ and tell him, I’m not sure what to tell him but it has to be perfect, I'll have to write it on my computer before I call him.

I make my way to my computer and start typing…

**Hello, TJ, please don’t end the call I have something important to say, I’m sorry, maybe the way I reacted wasn’t the best, my intention was to tell you my real name when we met at the café, please don’t say anything yet let me finish this first, I really, really, really want to still be friends with you…don’t you think that we have a beautiful friendship? With you I feel like the real Cyrus, you make me feel safe, comfortable and I would never want to lose this…**

Sound great, right? Now I only have to take my phone and make the call, it’s easy, I shouldn’t be feeling afraid, why I’m feeling afraid of calling him? I can’ feel this way I need to call him now. My heart beats fast and I’m feeling dizzy, my head hurts so much and I feel like I’m going to faint, I was alright, this didn’t happen at the park, why am I having an attack right now? When there’s no one to help me...this is going to last a long time. 

* * *

TJ’s POV 

Paul is an interesting person, we let our emotions control us and we wrote a good song, Jonah and Marty will be proud of us, seriously. He told me about what he's dealing with, depression, he’s been playing the drums for so long, and every time he plays them he feels, a bit better, in his words alive, that’s the reason why he joined the band, he wanted to feel alive with more people and play for others, he also told me that he really likes us but he’s too shy to start proper conversations with us and when he saw me distracted, he found all the courage to ask me what was happening to me. We walked a lot, we sat on a bench next to the one Cyrus and I had attacks before, and I told him about it, he wasn’t lying at all, he’s a good listener. Talking to him really helped me to understand that maybe I can give the first step and call Cyrus, and that’s exactly what I’m going to do, I don’t have an idea of what to say but I usually don’t stick to plans a lot and even if I write something, I surely end up saying something different. So, I grab my phone. But Cyrus is already calling me. 

“Hello?” I answer. 

“Hey” Cyrus’ voice sounds like there’s something wrong. 

“Are you okay? Did you have an attack? It was because I was an asshole? I’m so sorry” I say at once, not giving him a chance to say something. 

“I’m fine now, don’t worry” He takes a deep breath. “I wanted to tell you something…I even write it…let me read it" He makes a pause. " _I’m sorry, maybe the way I reacted wasn’t the best, my intention was_ …” He suddenly shuts up. “You know what? I don’t need to read it” I can hear how he closes his computer. “I’m sorry, I want us to still be friends, you are an amazing friend and sometimes I act like an idiot and my expressions don’t help at all, I hope you still want my friendship” 

He shuts up again, waiting for my answer, but I’m speechless. Come on TJ say something, this is _the moment_.

“I want us to still be friends too, actually, I was about to call you when you called me” I laugh. “So, Cyrus, let’s be friends, what do you think?” I ask him. 

“Let’s be friends TJ” His tone sounds more relaxed than before. As if he could finally breathe. 


	11. We’re better together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Excuse my bad English! 
> 
> I only have one more exam to go! And after that I will have more time, I might be able to post chapters more often or at least on a stable schedule!:)  
> I had planned to post the chapter earlier but I watched Louis Tomlinson's online concert today, I'm still recovering from it, an incredible experience I can't wait to see him next year! 
> 
> Song of the chapter: Tomorrow, Today by JJ Project

TJ’s POV 

Cyrus and I, it’s funny, right? How it sounds to use his real name instead of Dennis, he didn’t have the face of a Dennis anyway. But now that everything is going great, he’s passing a good time at the theater, his musical is now very popular so he’s been a bit busy and me too, we’ve been practicing a lot, Jonah got us some space to play at Red Rooster Records which is great but it’s also very scary and I’ve been thinking in all the ways this could go wrong like extremely wrong but the guys are so happy about it, Paul is probably happy too, in some way, he’s probably excited about playing for other people, Jonah has played there before so this not new for him and Marty was born to play so they’re actually fine, then there’s me, I’m afraid of what could happen. I don’t think I’m ready for such a thing, playing, in front of more people than Jonah’s mother she’s so loyal to our music…but I guess this is something that I have to do, I mean, that’s what bands do, that’s why I joined them…well, I didn’t join because of it but I know that playing in front of people was a thing we had to do eventually, but why is it so scary? It’s supposed to be funny but I can’t have fun when I think about it. And that’s why I need Cyrus, to cheer me up, to tell me that there’s nothing to be afraid of, that we’re going to be amazing, you know normal stuff friends do…and talking about friends I _really_ have to tell Amber and Iris about the band, they probably don’t know yet and it’s my opportunity to _finally_ tell them. That’s what I’m going to do, one thing at a time, not everything at once as I usually do…it’s going to be great…I hope…

“We have a problem” Marty stares at us, he’s very serious. 

“Is sandwich alright?” Jonah asks while he opens his eyes dramatically. 

“Yes, sandwich is alright” Marty answers. “We don’t have a name” Again, he’s very serious. 

“A name?” I ask. 

“Band name” Jonah says as he looks at me and Paul. “I was so excited about this that I forgot about the name” 

“Then how are we going to call the band?” Paul asks, his question sounds very serious with his deep voice, every time he speaks Marty keeps getting surprised. 

“I don’t have an idea” Marty says.

“Well, that’s an awful name Marty” Jonah smiles. 

“This is a big thing, Jonah!” Marty laughs.

“What about naming us ‘T _he Sandwiches_ you know as a tribute to our beloved sandwich” I say. I can hear how Paul is trying not to laugh. 

“You’re making fun of me!” Marty keeps laughing. “We have to be serious guys, this defines us as a band” 

“I thought it was our music style” Paul stares at him. He’s getting more comfortable with us. 

“Yes, that too” Marty turns to Jonah. “What are we going to do? How is Bowie going to introduce us to the public?” 

_“The sandwiches_ is not a bad idea” He answers Marty who makes an offended, but in a fun way, face. 

“What if we think about some names and we vote for the best one” I take a look at the three of them. 

“That’s a good idea” Paul seconds me. 

“Okay, we’re going to do that, we need those suggestions tomorrow before our practice” Jonah tells us. “Now you can leave, my mom is making pasta tonight and, honestly I don’t want to share it with you guys, you eat a lot” He smiles and we all make our way to the exit. 

I’m extremely bad when it comes to names, I mean, I told Cyrus my name was Brian, that’s the proof that I’m pretty bad at this. Well, I consider Marty the worst, why did he name his bass sandwich? But I can win this, this is not a competition but we have to name the band, it’s a good opportunity…maybe I should ask Cyrus for help. That’s fair right? I’m not cheating, I’m just asking for some help, he’s good at writing things. Paul’s walking next to me again, he helps me and I help him, or just we listen to each other, it’s nice to have people like him and Cyrus in my life, he keeps asking about meeting Cyrus because, yes, he’s _that kind_ of annoying friend, he thinks Cyrus and I will become boyfriends someday and I always tell him that will never happen. We’re better as friends, _we’re better together_ in that way not in a romantic one, because I can’t even picture us as a couple but Paul sounds pretty sure about it. 

We stop at the café, both staring at the door, we just can’t decide if coffee or tea is what we need or if we just go for a pizza. Yes, we prefer the pizza, so we make our way to the pizza place, Paul is quiet as always, a quiet man with amazing drum skills, he starts talking, every time he does this he surprises me, he’s says that we should think about the band name together as a team, it could be like that _big time rush_ episode, probably we end up fighting with Marty and Jonah but it may be worth, I suppose. We keep walking until we’re outside the pizza place, he enters and I’m just behind him, then…I see Amber and Iris together with Cyrus’ friends, their talking and laughing. I never felt this fear in my whole life, I turn to Paul and he’s ordering something already, we like the same pizza so that’s not a problem at all, the problem is these girls who are happy and as soon as they see me with Paul everything is going to be ruined, I’m sure of it. Or…maybe they didn’t see me at all, maybe they’re too focused on their conversation to notice me and Paul in here. Please let the last one be the correct option. 

“Are you okay?” Paul asks me. Again, his deep voice scares me. 

“Yeah, I was just…” I don’t have any words.

“Staring at your friends? Why don’t we go and sit with them?” He points at the girls.

“Because they don’t know I’m on a band with you...and Jonah...and Marty” I look at him, he’s staring at me now. 

“Sounds like something you have to tell them, this is a great opportunity” He moves his hands. 

“What? No! They’re with Cyrus’ friends” The ones I’m afraid to meet. 

“So what?” He makes a confused expression. But at the same time, he sees the fear in my eyes. “We can go and eat at other place if you want” He suggests. 

“Sounds perfect” I smile. 

* * *

Cyrus’ POV 

After some time, I could finish, completely finish my script, I sent it to all the people that have to take a look at it. I have to wait, but I’m proud of what I created, as a celebration I’m on my way to the pizza place to meet Andi and Buffy, and their new friends, I feel like I’m ready to meet them because they’re TJ’s friends too and well, I’m his friend and I want everyone to be friends so I’ll probably be going to introduce the girls to him, Andi will love his music skills. And since he’s in a band with Jonah I guess they are really good friends now, I still haven’t met their drummer or ever listen to their music but I know that they’re good. I’m finally feeling better, or at least I feel that I can live with the attacks now, I still get scared whenever it happens but it’s a normal thing. 

I keep walking, I take a look at the café, I still can’t believe I switched coffees with TJ before actually meeting him, it’s kind of funny now that I think about it, we both needed help and then we met, it’s interesting how things work in this life. I have much to thank him, I’ve been learning so many things since we’re friends, you can actually tell that _we’re better together_. I enter the pizza place and see the girls talking with other girls, I approach them hoping Andi or Buffy notice me first so I don’t have to interrupt them and start the conversation with their friends because I don’t feel ready for it. Maybe I was sure of coming here but not to start talking to them, I still don’t get what’s happening to me since the attacks but lately, I can’t start proper conversations with others, I feel afraid, I have stuff in my head like “ _what if they think I’m an idiot? That I’m boring? What if they don’t like me at all?_ ”, I can confirm that this is exactly what I’m thinking right now, I don’t want TJ’s friends to hate me, well that’s too extreme, to _not_ like me. Maybe it was a terrible idea to come here today, I wasn’t ready for this stuff. I can hear Andi’s voice, she’s trying to get my attention, I was staring at my shoes, like always. I smile at her and make my way to their table, there’s no way I can run away right now. 

“I was getting worried” Buffy says as soon as I take a seat. 

“Sorry, I was enjoying the view” I look directly at the table. 

“The never-changing view of Shadyside, inspiring, right?” Andi jokes. 

“I like it that way because it’s reliable, you can always count on the never-changing view whenever you feel lost” This time I look at her, I can feel how the four of them are staring directly at me, maybe that was too deep? 

“Now I see why you wrote a musical” One of their friends breaks the silence. “But I think you should write a novel instead, I’m Amber” She smiles. 

“Your words are…” The other girl starts. “deep? I’m sorry I couldn’t find the _right_ words, I’m impressed” She keeps going. “I loved your musical, I’m Iris” She smiles too. 

“I’m Cyrus” I smile at them. Then Buffy changes the topic, a dance-related one. 

I’m still not sure why I was so afraid to talk to them, to _meet_ them, they’re actually pretty cool, I can see why they’re now friends with Andi and Buffy, and why they’re friends with TJ. Amber is that type of person that makes you feel comfortable around them, she makes you feel included and Iris is super smart, she’s also very kind and has a lot of good opinions about a lot of topics, I felt like we were old friends catching up what happened during years. Sadly, I got a call and had to go, right now I’m on my way to the theater, feeling nervous since the tone of the call was serious, what could happen? Are there any problems with my script? There’s no way it’s something related to my script, they know it took me a while to finish it but it’s good, it was worth the wait, it’s one of my best works, maybe they haven’t found the right actors for it, it has to be something in that direction. I’m one hundred percent sure that my script is amazing, I’m proud of myself for finishing it and including some personal stuff disguised as interesting points to my main character, I usually don’t do that but I thought it was a good idea, the audience, the actors, nobody will understand it…except TJ. He’s the only one that knows, probably, everything about me, or the important stuff, it’s easy for me to open to him, he’s always there listening but he’s not just there, he’s actually paying attention to me and he asks me things and doesn’t judge me when I don’t want to answer. 

Cece’s there standing next to this man, Joseph, they’re giving bad news, the worst news ever. Cece has a sad face, she feels bad for me, Joseph keeps talking, he’s there with his important look and expensive clothes looking at me, saying all the words I’ve never expected, his tone is so neutral, he doesn’t feel sorry, he’s telling me everything without touching his heart, his cold sentences flying trough the room and landing right in my soul. What I’m going to do now? What does he want me to do? Which way should I take? The man just told me that my script was my worst work, that he needs a new one soon, he even dared to say “ _you must have more than one script prepared, right Goodman?_ ”, and no, I don’t have another script prepared because this one took me so much time, because this thing pushed me to my limit, because it only caused me stress, this man stresses me a lot, he ordered me to write the musical. Cece knows how much I put on this one and I know she wants to beat him but she can't, I can't, we can’t. All I do is say “ _I will bring something better, I’m sorry_ ” and leave. The never-changing Shadyside is not enough right now, I’m feeling lost and sad and mad all at the same time, I was so proud of my work and now I have to change it, for him. I need someone to tell me what should I do, which way to go, what to change, what to write. My fingers are typing so fast, as I’m walking, I stop outside the gallery and take a look at everything from the window, _how many times the artists were told to change their creations_? I look back at my phone and send the message, I need somebody right now. 

* * *

TJ’s POV 

Paul and I sit outside a store, eating our pizza, quietly eating or at least me, he likes pizza a lot and he tends to make some noises while he’s eating, he also says stuff like “ _this pizza is so good, come on TJ eat more!_ ” and I can’t eat more when I want to laugh, he’s funny. From here I can see many things I never noticed about Shadyside, the people, their faces, how slow or fast they walk, the other stores, their owners, the trees and flowers, everything, I never took the time to look at this, to analyzing it, Shadyside always seemed pretty much the same, just like another commonplace but it’s not, they have much to enjoy and I just realized it. I live so fast; I always walk trying not to get noticed and not notice anyone else that I never stopped and appreciate what was in front of me. How many problems are out there and I’m always focusing on mine, I never left my bubble before and I’ve been changing that these days, I’m more aware of what’s going on, I need some inspiration to play and yes, I always have my uncle but sadness is not the only thing Marty and Jonah want me to sing about, they want something different like happiness, friendship, fun, love, especially love, they want me and Paul to write love songs but we simply can’t, it’s too difficult for us. I have found on Paul a nice and loyal friend, I know he hasn’t said anything we talked about, he’s always around me and we’re always talking and laughing…and eating, just like Marty and Jonah, the four of us are close now but I’m closer to Paul, he understands me, he listens to me just like Cyrus, but he’s different, Cyrus is just another case, he’s special to me, the very first person I ever talked about my uncle, I opened to him and he did the same, I think we’re connected in some way. It’s still hard whenever I think about my uncle but Cyrus is always there, when I need to cry or when I need to talk or when I have an attack, he’s there with me. 

“TJ I was serious when I said you should eat more, I’m about to finish the whole pizza” Paul says as he moves my shoulder. 

“Oh, I’m sorry” I grab one of the two left slices of pizza. 

I look at him, a handsome guy, a shy one, he’s staring at his shoes just like Cyrus, he stares at his shoes all the time but it feels different when Cyrus does it. Paul tells me that someone sent me a message, I take a look at it, it’s from Cyrus, right when I was thinking about him. 

_ Cyrus:  Hey, I just had the worst news ever, I don’t feel right, can we please meet? I need you. _

He needs me? What could have happened? Paul notices my expression and he asks me about it, I tell him that Cyrus needs me and I have to go, he understands it, he grabs the last slice saying that the next time I should eat more than two slices and smiles, he stands up and places his hand in my shoulder while he says that we can discuss the band name later, then he takes a step to the back, smiling while saying “ _Good luck with Cyrus_ ”, I don’t know what that exactly means but I’ll take it, I make my way to the gallery, Cyrus said he was there. Right now, I feel like the people before, there was a man who was almost running with something in his hands…a box, a present I suppose, he was trying not to drop the box or hit someone as he was desperately walking, just like I’m doing at this moment. When it comes to Cyrus, I feel like I can do everything he asks me to, I don’t know why but whenever he sends me a text, I feel that I have to go there right away because he needs me. It’s the same with the girls every time Amber texted me because she hasn’t done it lately, I’m already running to her house. I just want to be a good friend to everybody. 

I see Cyrus standing in front of the gallery, staring at the window, I’m not sure if he’s looking at the art or at his reflection, I try not to make much noise and stand beside him, he notices me and glances at me, I do the same, we’re staring at each other, I smile at him, he keeps looking at me but his eyes are filling up with tears, he hugs me before I can say a word. I just let him hug me and I hug him back, in silence. We never hugged before as far as I can remember, we always stayed next to each other but never hugged so this is new for me, I have hugged the girls a thousand times but with Cyrus feels different. He breaks the hug with a barely audible “ _Sorry_ ”. 

“It’s fine don’t worry” I try to find some of the napkins Paul gave me. “Is it correct if I ask what happened?” I finally find the napkin; I hand it to him. 

“My script was rejected” He starts. “Joseph came and told me that it was my worst work and I need to send a new one…” His voice breaks a bit. “I…I don’t have another one” He uses the napkin. 

“You worked so hard on that one” I honestly can’t believe it. “I’m so sorry Cyrus” I hesitate on coming closer and hug him. 

“I just…I needed you TJ” He looks at his shoes. "I knew you'll make me feel better" 

I decide to hug him, I take one step closer to him and pull him into a hug, he buries his face on my chest as I can listen to him exhale. We stay like that for a while until his phone interrupts the moment, he checks who is it, one of his friends, _Andi_ , one of the girls I saw with Amber and Iris in the pizza place, they have a normal conversation, he’s telling her that he’s okay, I can’t listen to what she’s saying to him but it must be important, a few minutes later he hangs up. 

“Sorry” He saves his phone on his coat. “Thank you” Why do I feel some weird vibe right now? Not in a bad way, of course.

“I didn’t say anything, it didn’t feel right, that’s why I hugged you” I try to explain. 

“No, it’s fine, a hug it’s all I needed it” He smiles. And yeah, I don’t know what to say. 

“You know, I need some help with the band name, you can join me and Paul, we need help and you’re an expert with words” Please say yes. 

“Sounds great” He takes a look at the napkin. “Where’s Paul? We can start right now” 

“He’s probably at his house” Cyrus raises an eyebrow. 

“Then let’s go” He grabs my arm. “When are you guys going to play?” 

“In two days” I answer quickly.

“And you don’t have a name? Come on TJ!” He laughs. It’s nice to see him laugh after what happened. 

We started to walk to Paul’s house. Shadyside it’s not very big so it’s easy to get there, he started to talk about this Joseph and how Cece wanted to hit him, I don’t have an idea who Cece is but I’m happy to listen to him talk. I still don’t know what the name the band will have, but I hope we don’t end with “ _The Sandwiches_ ” because I was only joking and it would be very embarrassing to be introduced like that. Hopefully, Marty and Jonah have already a good option. But for now, it’s Cyrus’ time to talk about what’s bothering him, this is so much bigger than finding a name for the band. I want to help him too, with his script but I don’t know how. 


	12. Don’t go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Excuse my bad English!
> 
> School's finally over! Sorry for the delay, holiday shopping takes a long time! but here's a chapter :)
> 
> Song of the chapter: Where Do Broken Hearts Go by One Direction

Cyrus’ POV

Meeting Paul was interesting, I never expected him to have such a deep voice, I was impressed, he’s pretty tall, not more than TJ but still tall, he’s really good at the drums but he’s super bad at names just like TJ, all I asked was for patience, we couldn’t think on any cool names so I guess they will be known as “ _The Sandwiches_ ”, it sounds like a cartoon band name, come on, but I have other things to think about right now. Since Joseph called my best work the worst one, I have to do something quickly if I want to stay in the theater for a long time, probably still going with the romance stuff, I have some ideas, but how can you write an entire script in a few nights? Well, I’m about to find it out, there’s no sleeping until I finish my script starting from today. I had a bad day so that will help with the inspiration. Because every time something bad happens somehow, I have the perfect excuse to write and it turns out well, uhm, kind of well. It’s interesting how everything went wrong but still, I’m relieved in some way, it may sound weird but everyone fails at least once in their lives, right? How can I know true success if I never failed before? It sounds complicated but it’s not, it’s just things we all do, all the time and I think it’s pretty cool. 

Usually, the things that make my life feel like crap are the best experiences, you know what I mean, I learn from these moments and I keep living even if it feels like the end, someday my attacks will be the inspiration for my best creation, everyone will love it and it’s going to be _my thing_ , like the jump from a boy who writes at Shadyside to something even bigger, but first I have to write this script, I’m still the boy who writes at Shadyside and for now that’s okay, that’s what I have. 

I have to make some space for TJ’s band, I want to see them perform, all of them, I know TJ is talented and now that Paul is also talented, Jonah is talented for sure, I’ve seen him performing for years, Marty is the only one I haven’t seen performing, but I’m sure they sound amazing together, they’re talented. I like to think that everybody is talented in their own way, there are people talented in music, painting, writing, dancing, decorating, playing sports and other things, you can find inspiration in many things, you can transform that inspiration in another thing, whatever you want, using your talent, you don’t have to be “good”, because who determinates what is good and what is bad? All you need is to put your heart in it as I did with my script, not every single person in the world is going to understand your creation but that doesn’t mean is crap, just keep that in mind. 

I make my way to my room, to find Buffy and Andi there, sitting in my bed while they take a look at my books and important stuff or in other words, private, they don’t notice me at first since I didn’t fully open the door, I stare at them and hear what they’re saying, Buffy keeps reading a book TJ gave me, he wrote some notes on it, he wanted us to do that in our favorite phrases or scenes in the books and while reading it she’s smiling, she knows that’s not my style and definitely not my handwriting. On the other hand, Andi is reading one of my favorite books, the one I was planning to give to TJ, I was starting to make the notes for him so we could discuss it later, but right now that book is in Andi’s hands, she’s reading it carefully, her eyes want to inspect the whole page. Buffy tells Andi to check the notes on her book and Andi said the same, they look confused, before I properly open the door, I can hear a “This is not Cyrus, this can’t be him, he never does this stuff”. 

“Hello, ladies” I say as they look shocked to see me. 

“Cyrus!” Buffy smiles, then she glances at Andi who looks kind of scared maybe, surprised is a better word. 

“What are you doing in my room?” I walk to them and take my books off their hands. “And grabbing my stuff” 

“We were bored” Andi says. 

“And my books were the better way to have fun…my books?” I can’t look at my face but I’m pretty sure it says it all. 

“Sorry” Buffy makes her move with her shoulder as she apologies.

“Now” I put my books at my desk. “Tell me why are you here” I sit on my bed, in the middle of them. 

“We wanted to know if you were okay, we suppose your parents don’t know yet what happened so” I cut Andi. 

“Please tell me you didn’t mention it, I’m trying to fix this” I’m not going to lie, my tone is alarming. 

“Relax” Buffy touches my shoulder. “We didn’t say a thing, we told them Andi needed help for something” Relax, how simple it is to say it, a waste of time. 

“Which I actually need” 

“What am I good for?” 

“We need you at Red Rooster Records, there’s an…” Andi starts.

“Event? Someone’s playing in there?” Yeah, as if I didn’t know. 

“Yes! We need help decorating and with the band” Yeah, _The Sandwiches_. 

“I can help, don’t worry” I smile at them. 

“Are you sure you’re okay with what happened?” Buffy places her head on my shoulder. 

“No, I’m not, but I can work on a new script, the distraction of decorating and the band…” Especially TJ, no wait, TJ and Paul since I like to believe I’m friends with Paul too, so I can talk to them and become closer. “It’s going to be good for me” 

“I didn’t read the script but I’m sure it was amazing” Andi hugs me. “That’s what Cece said” 

“Thanks to Cece then” I sigh. “Well, are you two staying tonight or…” 

“Of course, we’re staying!” Andi’s still hugging me. “You need us right now” I actually need you every time I have an attack too…

“It’s ' _make Cyrus feel better time'_!” Buffy stands up. “Let’s make the rest of the day better than the start of it” She raises an eyebrow. 

* * *

TJ’s POV 

I really sorry about Cyrus, he had to stand the stupid ideas Paul and I gave for the band name, he stood here with us for about three hours. Paul played some of the songs Marty and Jonah wrote that made Cyrus ask us if we have written any songs, we said that we did but theirs are better, he was asking a lot of questions and saying _interesting_ for almost every answer we gave him, it was a nice time and I hope we helped him to feel better, he seemed pretty upset about his script. I spent the whole night trying to make a cool name with Paul on discord but nothing came, now, I’m with Paul alone in Jonah’s house while we wait for him and Marty to come back from talking with Bowie and asking for the much-needed help, and waiting for them to say they have an amazing name for the band. Everything appeared to stay in silence until Paul makes his way to where I am and without a warning, he asks _the question_.

“Are you sure you don’t have any feelings for him?” He looks pretty serious about it. 

“You already know the answer” I keep staring at my keyboard. 

“But TJ, I saw you two, you have something” 

“What does that mean?” 

“I saw a sparkle” He smiles. 

“You’re imaging things Paul” I shake my head. 

“I’m serious” He sits on the floor. “I saw you two yesterday, there was a vibe, a _thing_ , a…” 

“There was nothing, we’re friends just as us two” 

“You don’t look and smile at me in the same way” I look at him this time. “Just saying” He goes back to his drums. 

I don’t know how should I take those last words he said, I look at Cyrus in the same way I do with everyone else, there’s nothing different…but Paul seemed pretty confident about it. No, that’s ridiculous, I would know if I have feelings for him, I’m good at this stuff. And I have to focus on the big day and on a better name for the band, how bad does it sound _The Sandwiches_? Marty is probably going to be mad at us, we couldn’t think of anything, I hope they had better luck. 

Tomorrow is the big day and I don’t feel ready for it, I’m nervous and afraid something bad happens, it’s so much pressure on us, me, and lately, I don’t get along with pressure, but I trust whatever Jonah and Marty are doing, they look like they actually know what they’re doing so I have my complete trust on them. After some time of Paul not wanting to ask me directly about Cyrus but mentioning him at every single chance he had, the guys arrived, Bowie got us the help, his daughter and some friends, Jonah said the names, and guess what? Cyrus is there, he’s going to help us! With him around I’m sure I’ll be fine…but he also mentioned Amber and Iris, my friends, the ones I still haven’t tell about the band. I hurry to practice with them, after so many songs Marty wanted to practice, I’m finally free and on my way to Iris’ house, because based on Amber’s picture she’s with her at her house, right now it’s the moment I’ve been avoiding: _telling my friends the good news_ , I hope some excitement coming from them and many questions, a lot of questions. Iris’ mother opens the door and she tells me that the girls are waiting for me at my house. What? How is possible they’re at my house, how? When? Why? I saw the picture and it looked like Iris’ room. Anyway, now I’m on my way to my own house, I can see the trees, the kids playing while my mind is busy deciding how to tell them about this. I get in the house and greet my parents, they’re making cookies, my mother it’s doing better, she doesn’t cry often or that’s what I think, my father’s been there for her the whole time. I smile at them; they tell me the girls are in my room. I open the door and find them sitting on my bed, looking at all the pictures I have, they smile right when they see me. 

“Teej!” Amber hugs me. 

“You’re finally home!” Iris joins us at the hugging. 

“I have to talk to you two” I didn’t notice how serious I sounded until I appreciated their expressions. “It’s not bad” I say immediately. 

“Then tell us” Amber sits again on my bed. 

“Don’t judge me” I feel nervous, I was about to open my mouth when Iris interrupts me. 

“Never” I smile at her. 

“I’m in a band!” I finally say. 

“What? Are you serious?” Amber says as she looks pretty impressed about it. 

“How? When?” Iris can’t make a simple question; this is going perfectly. 

“Some time ago, I didn’t tell you because I wanted it to be a surprise” Yeah, sure TJ, it’s that. “We’re playing tomorrow at Red Rooster Records if you want to come” They’re already coming TJ! 

“Well, we’re actually going, we’re going to help you guys” Amber smiles at me. 

“That’s correct, a friend asks us for help” Iris explains. I already knew that. 

“Then it’s going to be perfect” I look at my shoes. Just like Cyrus and Paul do sometimes. I’m happy but I’m nervous. 

The girls are pretty excited about the band, they want to know all of the members and be friends with them. They’re expecting us to be a big group of friends and I’m sure that’s a possibility, I’m friends with Cyrus and he’s friends with Andi and she’s friends with my friends and also Jonah and I’m in a band with him, it’s just a matter of time. 

* * *

Cyrus’ POV 

Passing time with the girls the other day really helped me to write something different, I used some inspiration reading TJ’s notes on the book, he knows how to use the words in wonderful ways, probably he should be the writer instead of me, he would do an amazing job, he always does. Speaking of him, today is his big day and I’m on my way to Red Rooster Records to help and to listen to them practice, as far as I know, all of them sing at least in some part in their songs, which is pretty cool, I never expected it, but it’s obvious because TJ has a beautiful voice…like Jonah and probably Marty and Paul too. 

I didn’t get a call from Joseph or Cece, so I suppose they’re giving me some time to complete the script, the musical is still there, Andi told me they’re keeping it since people in here really loved it; that gives me the perfect time to finish this, what I want and need is to not get stressed, the last one really made me pass a bad time in every way possible and with my attacks is not easy at all, I don’t want to feel like that again, lately I’ve been feeling a bit better, just a bit, but I guess that’s something good. I still have the attacks or that feeling that everything happens because I’m not enough, that everything’s my fault, that every time I open my mouth my words have another meaning, that even if I write it, it feels mean, I feel like a bad person, that’s why I’ve been so careful with the notes on the book I’m giving to TJ, I don’t want him to think that I’m a bad person or mean to him, or worse, that I’m still mad at him, which I never was obviously, but he thinks that, he’s been careful with his words on the book since you can notice how many times he erased and wrote again in the pages. But right now, that’s not the main point of this, me, I’m the main point here, me and my script, I just want to cry whenever I remember the other one, but this is a new opportunity to make things better. 

I enter Red Rooster Records to find a mess, a big mess. Buffy and Andi are trying to put the instruments in their places, something that seems easy but it’s not; Amber and Iris are decorating the place with Walker’s help, he and Andi made amazing decorations for today. I try to find TJ but with the mess, I can’t even tell if he’s here. Bowie comes to me trying to catch my attention but I’m still inspecting the store looking for my friend, where he could be? I finally meet Bowie's eyes, he tells me to help Andi and Buffy with the instruments, both of them are clearly relieved to see me. Buffy tells me that she has no idea where the band is…there goes my chance to talk to TJ before the show; Andi gives me instructions to go and help with the keyboard, TJ’s instrument, I’m happy to help, I know how to play it but I’m not very good at it, I always preferred the guitar. It takes us a while to get everything in place, the band appears, they’re helping Bowie with the chairs and the girls and walker with the decorations. TJ finally approaches me. 

“Hey” He smiles at me. 

“Hey” Just a _hey_ , why Cyrus? 

“Thank you for coming and help us” 

“Oh, don’t worry, I’m happy to help” I take a look at his hands, they’re trembling. “Are you okay?” I point at his hands. 

“I think so, I’ve been like this since I woke up” He moves his fingers. “I’m nervous” You can see how he has some trouble to breathe properly. 

“You’ll be fine” I grab his shoulders. “I believe in you, and I’m going to be here if you need me” He smiles. 

The girls interrupt us and we part ways. Andi takes him with the rest of the band so Bex can give them a cool look and Buffy takes me with her and Iris, there are still some things we have to do. This is a huge thing for TJ and he’s nervous…and I’m here with Buffy and Iris when I should be in Andi’s place checking the " _look"_ stuff with Bex…I mean I already work with her so I’m familiarized with the process. Just a few hours for the big moment. 

* * *

TJ’s POV 

“Hey! _The Sandwiches_ is not a bad name, you can make it provisional, how does that sound to you?” Bowie asks us while we were arguing over the name, again, and he’s right, I actually hate to admit it, but my stupid suggestion is about to become our band name, how is that possible? 

“Yeah, it’s not a bad name” Jonah turns to us. “Thank you, Bowie” He smiles at him. 

We are minutes away from the big moment and I think I’m going to throw up, I don’ feel well but the guys are so happy and excited for this, I can’t ruin it, we practiced hard for this. I wish I could have more time alone with Cyrus, I need him right now, I need someone to tell me the things he said before “ _I believe in you, and I’m going to be here if you need me_ ”, I felt better earlier when he said it but I need to hear that again because you know it’s almost showtime. Jonah and Marty are extremely happy talking to each other, Paul is staring at his shoes, probably he's nervous too, I don’t want to look at myself in the mirror, but I’m pretty sure I look like crap because I feel like that. Bowie comes and tells us to prepare. “ _People! People!_ ” that's what you can hear from Jonah and Marty, Paul and I share a look and we decide to see the people. Many persons are sitting out there but the first thing I do is to look for Cyrus, my eyes are scanning the crowd only to find him sitting next to his friends, they’re talking. I spent most of the day trying to look at him, Bex and Andi were discussing some things and I was staring at him from the mirror, we were playing some songs and I was glancing at him, he’s my safe place, if I know he’s there if I see him, I feel better, strong, confident because he’s always telling me nice things, he’s always cheering me up. And if we see this from a different perspective being here with the guys about to play our songs it’s a big step, I’m sure my uncle would be proud of me. 

Bowie arrives one more time saying “ _It’s showtime!_ ” and wishing us good luck. Everything appears to go in slow motion, the seconds feel like hours, breathing feels difficult, my eyes try to focus at my keyboard, that’s the finish line, a few steps and everything will be alright. 

“TJ are you okay?” Paul looks at me, I can’t talk, I only nod. He seems to get the answer. “You don’t look well” He whispers. 

“I know” I let a barely audible answer come out my mouth before Bowie starts talking. 

“Good night and welcome to Red Rooster Records!” He sounds excited, happy, confident. “I’m very happy and proud to announce the guys that are playing for you tonight” He starts. “They are extremely talented and please don’t judge by their name” He glances at us. “They are amazing! Please shout your love for” He makes a dramatic and funny pause. “Are you ready?” The ‘ _Yes!_ ’ by the crowd is impressive. “ _The Sandwiches!_ ” That was something…yeah, something. 

We make our way to the stage, the guys are smiling, well, Paul keeps a serious face. We finally face the people, I can’t hear a thing, I can’t find Cyrus either. I try to focus on the keyboard, I feel like I’m about to faint, this can’t happen, this is important for all of us, I can’t do this to them, to myself. Sadly, I can’t control this, this is much bigger than me. I hear Jonah’s voice but I don’t get what he’s saying. I hear Paul’s voice but it’s the same. Without thinking about it my feet lead me out of the stage, I can feel the guy’s eyes following me but none of them actually come with me. 

I still hear the music, our song, I stare at my shoes, just like Cyrus trying to control my breathing, myself, the tears start falling without any help from my eyes. Once the song finishes, I see someone sitting in front of me. It’s Cyrus. 

_ Please don't go, Cyrus. _

* * *

Cyrus’ POV 

Everything was going well until I saw TJ’s face, he looked pretty bad, I stood up and walked some steps closer to him, hoping for him to noticing me, he didn’t, he left the stage so fast. Jonah’s face was surprised in not a good way. The other guys looked at each other, Paul almost leaves his place to go and see TJ. I got onto the stage and did the only thing my brain considered right to do. 

“Hello, I’m Cyrus Goodman and I’m here to play with the guys just one song!” All of the guys stare at me. “I’m going to change instruments with Jonah, my friend had to leave because something happened in his house but I’m sure he’s coming back, don’t worry!” I smile and take Jonah’s guitar. 

I didn’t have a single idea of what they were going to play until Jonah started, then I remembered TJ playing it to me. I was playing but not singing, Paul took TJ’s lines, everyone was enjoying the song and it felt amazing to play with them, but someone wasn’t here and I can’t stop thinking about him. Once we finish the song, we all thank. 

“We’re coming back in a few minutes!” Jonah turns to me, waiting for an answer. 

“Stay here, I’m going to check on him” They nod. 

I walk out of the stage and see TJ sitting on the floor staring at his shoes with tears on his face, I sit in front of him, he doesn’t look at me, after four minutes he finally stares at me, I start to tell him some motivating words so he can go out there and finish with the next two songs because I know he’s brave enough to do it and then, he interrupts me.

“We failed Cyrus” He says right in the middle of my inspiring words. “Actually, I failed them” 

“Yes, you did, you failed” I start. This is something good I promise. “But you know what? In this life you may fail, we all trip up all the time because life is kind of hard, everyone knows that, but tomorrow you’re going to wake up and guess what? You’re going to be alright” I stare at him. Never noticed, but he has pretty eyes. 

“I think you’re right” He tries to smile. 

“You have to go back in there and show the world who is TJ” I take his hands. 

“Who’s TJ?” He asks, he really asks that in such a moment?

“A brave man who can get up every time he trips up” I give him something to clean this face.

“Right, that’s TJ” He’s now truly smiling. “Thank you” He says before he leaves to the stage again, looking better. 

I go back to my seat, feeling better than ever, not just because I helped TJ but because playing felt incredible, I never felt more alive in my life. Andi and Buffy smiled at me and talked about how amazing I was up there but I, in a nice way, shut them up because I wanted to listen to TJ’s band. And as I imagined, they were exceptional, how all of them play their instrument, how they make their way while playing, their _thing_ is inspiring. TJ looks better and happier singing and playing his keyboard, he’s looking at this way so I only smile at him and try to look at the rest of the guys. This is going to be an _interesting_ night. 

_What's an script? Do I really need to write it so soon?_


	13. I’ll be right here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Excuse my bad English! 
> 
> Happy new year! I hope this new year is good for all of you! Thank you for continuing to read this story, love you all! Here's a chapter :)
> 
> Song of the chapter: Losing You by Wonho

TJ's POV 

We were in the middle of the song when I had an attack, I ran away from there, the guys kept playing, I felt everyone’s eyes on me once I left the stage. After the song Cyrus found me, he noticed what was going on, he stayed with me, cheering me up until I felt confident enough to come back to the stage when we ended the guys asked me if I was okay, I told them that I was just nervous and nothing bad happened to me, Marty and Jonah said they hoped to me to get better and that the next time everything will go better, by the other hand, Paul told Cyrus that he already knew about _my thing_ , so they made me company for a while after our show, eventually, Paul had to go to his house and Cyrus helped me to get out of Red Rooster Records without any questions coming from Bowie or Bex, or Andi, we walked to the park and took a sit on our bench, there was silence until he decided to say some words, like that I was brave, that everything he said in there was true. 

“It still feels like I failed to them Cyrus” I say right in the middle of his confession.

“Well, you did, but you still went out there and played” He places his hand on my leg. “You’re so brave TJ, I already said it” 

“I know” I say trying to smile. “Thank you for not leaving me” 

“I’m not going anywhere, _I’ll be right here_ ” 

Talking to Cyrus is always a good idea, so much has happened since we meet, we’ve been helping each other in some way, it’s nice to see and speak. I’m proud to call him my friend, I learn a new thing all the time whenever we are together. Tomorrow has to be a great day, I need it to be a great day as long as I don’t start remembering my uncle, I know I said I was better and moving on and living a life for the two of us, but there are times when all I have is headaches, I feel bad and I can’t stop thinking about him…but when I’m with Cyrus that seems to be gone, all the sadness and the bad feelings just disappear, even if it’s for some hours or even minutes. 

These days I’ve been trying so hard not to think about my uncle, but seeing my mom cry or just have that sad face makes me worried again, I can’t find a way to stop all of this and it’s frustrating me, it’s not my father’s job it’s mine, I have to look strong and happy all the time but they can feel sad and cry, and have those faces, that look in their eyes, I want that, I want to suffer like any other person but I can’t do it. It’s always “ _TJ you have to be strong_ ” “ _TJ your mom has to see you in a good condition_ ” “ _TJ you have to take this situation in your hands, you’re the head of the family mentally talking_ ”, I love my parents but what they’re doing to me is not fair, I don’t have to pretend that it doesn’t hurt me, I’m hurt and will love to let everyone know that but I can’t, I say that too much, _I can’t_ , that’s what my parents taught me, they made me this way, they shaped my character in the way they wanted. This is a test and I can’t be weak right now, I can’t break or at least not in front of them. I can do it alone or with Cyrus. With Cyrus sounds better. He’s always there and I’m happy about it. 

Once I’m in my room, I take a look at everything I have in there, my pictures, the books I’ve been collecting now, my shoes, they’re not a lot but I have my favorites, I go back to my pictures grabbing my box, I open it and find many pictures with Amber and Iris, with my parents, with my grandparents, and some with my uncle, I was very young in these, so happy and unaware of what the life had prepared for me…and my parents. I keep staring at that picture, is a nice one, I put it on my bed, I take out the box some other pictures, two of my parents and some more of the girls, I put them together, tomorrow I’m going to put them somewhere they can be visible. I took a picture with the guys tonight…and with Cyrus, I’m going to add those too, especially the one Cyrus one, we’re too close now, and I like it, it’s nice to have him as a friend. 

* * *

“Maybe I’m like Elizabeth Bennet” The girls give me a very strange glance.

“What did I miss?” Amber turns to Iris, she’s as clueless as her.

“I don’t know” She answers.

“I read that book, don’t be so surprised, please” I sit in Amber’s bed.

“I suppose it wasn’t an assignment for school” Iris has that look in her eyes, she’s suspecting something.

“No, it wasn’t” I avoid eye contact. 

I came to Amber’s house before going to Jonah’s, I thought it was a good idea, they asked about what Cyrus said when I, you know, I had to think on something credible. Then they started to talk about love, they watched a movie last night and then I don’t know how my mouth opened and say something it shouldn’t. Like always.

“So” Iris starts. “Who’s this guy?” What? Iris? What? 

“Which guy?” I’m sure my face says it all. 

“You never read because you want to” Amber says raising an eyebrow.

This is the time my brain has to do me a favor and say something good, just for once.

“Since my uncle…” I make a pause, it’s difficult to say the words _uncle_. “Passed away, I have been reading some books, he always said I should read some kind of those novels” Please, believe me, girls. For making this more real, well, I don't even try to make a sad face, saying those words my face immediately changes, and look at my hands. I can feel how they hug me, saying that they're sorry. 

They eventually asked me about Cyrus and why we seemed close in Red Rooster Records, and they didn’t know we were friends, and of course, Amber saying the same thing as Paul: “ _You have a vibe together, a good one_ ”, it’s not exactly the same but it’s kind of similar, right? 

* * *

Cyrus’ POV 

Remember that I said if it was necessary to write my script so soon? Well after walking with TJ and coming to my room I wrote so many things, it’s not the way the other was, this is more romantic, the romance is a good part. I’m still not sure if it was because I played with _The Sandwiches_ but it made me write a lot, I’m grateful for it. It’s kind of difficult to understand, I can’t describe how great I felt last night, how the inspiration came to me, how I spent until 5 a.m. writing and writing, my parents didn’t even notice that I was still awake…when the inspiration comes you have to take it and work with it, just take the chance. That’s what I did and the result was good, amazing I dare to say. But right now, I’m on my way to Cece’s house, where Andi and Buffy probably are. Her house is big and pretty, is a nice place to pass time. 

“Oh! Hello, Cyrus!” Cece opens the door.

“Hello” I smile. 

“Please come in” She looks happy. “What brings you here?” 

“I was hoping for you to tell me how are the things going at the theater” I take a sit in front of her and looking for any sign that Andi’s there. 

“Oh, it’s been well” She smiles. “We miss you…” She sighs. “But we know you’re writing an amazing new play” 

“Thank you” I glance at my hands. 

“She’s not here, she had to do something at the gallery” Then that’s why she didn’t respond to my messages. “She told me you played the guitar last night?” Her expression can tell she’s surprised in a, I hope, good way. 

“Yes, I did” I give her a smile. “It was pretty nice” 

“But remember you write, please” She takes my hand. “I love what you do when you start typing” 

Cece’s words are really meaningful to me, at least I know she cares and likes what I do, and honestly, I don’t think playing in a band is my thing, it’s better to just appreciate the people who do it, like TJ, he’s happy when he plays, he feels comfortable and it’s visible. My visit to Cece’s was quick since I was, mainly, looking for Andi. Now I’m on my way to the gallery. I have a big question that maybe she can help me to answer because for the first time I didn’t write about her or Buffy, or some other people, I wrote what came at the moment, it’s not what I usually do and I can’t think on any reason why that happened. I’m not in love as far as I know and I think I know myself quite well. I can’t think of any single person that makes me want to write about love and all that stuff. I suppose it’s probably because the song I played with _The Sandwiches_ was a love song, maybe I got the inspiration from it, that’s good news, right? Love is a complicated thing but so is writing or any art. That’s why I need her, she knows what she says whenever is a love topic. That’s why I get inspired by her and Buffy. 

When I was writing all those words on my computer, I never thought, I never asked myself “ _Why are we writing this?_ ”, everything was just coming alone and that’s what scares me in some way. Don’t get me wrong, relationships are good but being single is also good, I like being single, right now, the simple idea of liking someone is strange because of what I do. If I write about someone I like and then I end up saying things like “ _This is about a special person_ ” then it’s my ruin. Why? Well simply because you can’t change what’s already there when you write about someone and people know is about someone…everyone will know your feelings for _that person_ and after that, when you stop liking them or when it’s unrequited you don’t know how to change it, how to erase it. Probably it’s just me. 

I enter the gallery finding Andi talking to Walker and to my surprise Iris and…TJ, he was there standing next to them listening to whatever they’re saying, Buffy appears with Amber holding something. TJ clearly doesn’t have an idea of what is going on, he meets my eyes and smiles, he has a pretty smile, he glances at the others who barely notice him walking in my direction. 

“Hi!” I say when we finally face to face. 

“Hey, what are you doing here? They asked for your help too?” He’s there standing in front of me while we can hear what the others are discussing.

“Actually, no, I needed to ask Buffy and Andi something” I look at my shoes and then to him, he’s smiling. “What?” I ask.

“Nothing, it’s just” He hesitates. “You look at your shoes all the time” Bad habit I know. 

“It’s a bad habit, I apologize if it makes you feel bad” I can see how his face changes a bit, he wants to…laugh? 

“Don’t worry I think it’s cute” Did I heard right?

When I was about to say something, Buffy interrupts us. Apparently, the gallery is having another exhibition and they want a band to play, yes, _The Sandwiches_ were requested, Amber and Iris were there for helping to organize everything. Buffy was there by coincidence and joined the others, I stay with them and promised to help too. The band is nice so I would love to help them again, hopefully, TJ can play all the songs this time, that’s why I joined them, to help him. 

* * *

TJ’s POV 

“You called him cute?” Paul is trying not to laugh. “And you don’t like him, right?”

“I don’t, I called him that way because it’s the truth I think it’s cute when he does that” He stares at me in _that way_ , he keeps thinking that I like Cyrus, which I don’t. “I think it’s cute when you do it too” I finish.

“Well, you never called me like that” He smiles. He wins. 

I stay there sitting while Paul goes to his drums, we’re again too early at Jonah’s house, the point of our conversation is that I was worried about saying “ _I think it’s cute_ ”, what if he took it differently? Well, I actually don’t know why I said it, sometimes the words come out of my mouth without me thinking before. This was one of those times. I usually say stuff like that…to the girls…but this time was Cyrus, I think I’m getting too comfortable with him, but is a good thing, right? I mean it’s not like I liked him in that way or whatever Paul says or believes. I walk towards him and call him cute, he’s quiet but his face says “ _Yeah, do that, I still don’t believe you_ ”. 

Jonah and Marty arrive, they are acting kind of strange. I’m sure this has to do with last night's events, we start the practice, as usual, everything goes well, normal, we laugh, Marty makes some jokes and makes us laugh, even Paul, we’re are very close now. It seems, it feels like a normal practice, even if there’s something in the air that makes everything a bit different, we keep talking until Jonah decides to say something unexpected. 

“So last night TJ” He glances at me. “Panic attack, right?” 

“Yeah, I get those lately” I feel how my heart beats fast. 

“Me too” He gives me a smile. “Don’t worry we’re not going to judge you” 

“We’re here for you” Marty says. 

I glance at Paul, he’s smiling, his eyes tell all, he knew this was going to happen, we texted last night, he told me not to worry, they will understand, I didn’t believe it but I was wrong, I’m glad to find someone else, now we are three, Jonah, Cyrus and me. 

Friends, that’s what we are now, that’s a simple word, I never had too many friends and now I have a lot of them, it’s new, it’s weird but it’s cool, so much has changed since my uncle’s thing, I find good friends, I joined a band, I feel great, good, I’m still kind of sad and I still have the attacks but now I know I have people to count on, Cyrus was the first one, so he’s always going to be there, he always gets my attention before anyone else. What happened at the gallery was the proof, as soon as I saw him, I went directly to him, we talked, I even called him cute, he has something, there’s something but I don’t know what it is, he’s so cool, he is the kind of person that can befriend anyone and I’m the opposite, we’re just different personalities, different ideas. When he told me about his play and he cried and I hugged him, that was new, very new, I never imagined that the guy who recommended me a book was the same that I was hugging at the moment. The girls were talking about the vibe we have, Paul says the same. I don’t have any problem with romance but, let’s suppose it happens, I start to see him differently, I get scared when I like someone in that way because I don’t know what to do. I’m not the biggest fan of romantic movies, at least when they’re not comedies, but I’ve been changing my point of view lately, the books Cyrus has made me read are so good, the love stories are amazing, maybe I want something like that, a love story that makes me want to write songs about it. Probably Cyrus does that with his plays, maybe he has the inspiration from his own love story, a past one or recent one, we don’t talk about our love lives so it’s difficult to say it. 

But right now, it’s too soon to say stupid things, like the ones I just said. I keep walking, this day I have walked so much, I need a break, I see someone who looks like Cyrus in the café, I make my way there, probably too fast, I touch him in the shoulder to find…a guy who only looks like him but it’s not him, I apologize and go to order a tea. While I’m waiting it comes to my mind the time I switched coffees with Cyrus, that was the very first time I read his name and hear it from my own voice, I had an attack that day. I grab my tea and leave, I keep walking but somehow everything makes me remember Cyrus, should I call him? Should I go to his house? Should I just shut up and go to my house? Yes, the last one, if think much about him I would be giving Paul a point. I don’t like Cyrus but I can’t get him off my mind. 

* * *

Cyrus’ POV 

I’m in my room sitting in front of my computer, my fingers are going their job, I’ve been writing for about two hours, without checking my phone, without thinking about anything else more than the story I’m writing, this may be the most romantic play I have ever written in my career and honestly is not that bad, I’m enjoying writing this one. Again, I’m not sure why I’m having so many ideas but they come by themselves, I open the file and my fingers and brain do the job, all the job, my eyes are probably tired but I’m so happy writing. I can’t stop it, well, that’s what I thought, my phone starts ringing. 

“Cyrus! I sent you many messages, what are you doing?” Andi’s voice surprises me. 

“Sorry, I’ve been working” I say as I take a look at my creation.

“Where the inspiration came from?” Buffy asks, of course, they’re together.

“I’m not sure, but I’m very grateful” I smile, I know they can’t see me but it’s inevitable.

“Probably it has a name” Buffy says clearly not to me. 

“What does that mean?” I ask. I want to know.

“Nothing” Andi says. “Are you coming to my house? We’re watching movies” Sounds good actually. 

“I don’t know, I’m having a lot of ideas right now, I’m inspired” I make a short pause. “And without your help” They know what that means.

“Wait, what?” Buffy starts. “It seems someone’s in love huh” She laughs.

“Of course not, I’m not in love” But what if? “I have to go, I love you girls, bye” 

I stare at the words I’m writing, am I in love? That’s impossible, I already talked about his, there’s no way I’m in love, maybe I found inspiration in the books TJ and I are reading, he leaves curious notes, I’m taking inspiration from it, from his words, how he expresses himself…am I getting inspiration thanks to him? I’m always thinking or talking to myself about him, why? Why he’s always on my mind? 


	14. You’re brave

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Excuse my bad English! 
> 
> I have some news, I have one more month of vacation! It was a little unexpected but it's still good news. To celebrate it here's a chapter :)
> 
> Song of the chapter: Trauma by Ars  
> (You can find this song on SoundCloud!)

Cyrus’ POV 

“I can’t believe you finished your script in such a short time” Says Andi as she looks at my computer.

“How much it was? Four weeks?” Buffy turns to me.

“Three actually” I say, visibly proud of myself. 

“Where did you got all the inspiration for this?” Andi points to my computer. 

“I don’t know” Their faces don’t look convinced. “I’m serious, I don’t know, one day I woke up and all I had in my mind were ideas” 

“Did you even sleep during this time?” Andi asks.

“Yeah” I close my computer. “Well, the necessary” Even if you sleep five hours everything will be fine, right? Or if you sleep at 5 am and then wake up at 3 pm is even healthy? I’m afraid it’s not, but who cares? I finished my script. I sent it to Cece and Joseph so I’m just waiting for their response. 

“I still can’t believe how fast you finished this” Buffy starts to walk around my room.

“Well, I got the ideas, I already told you” I stand up and stop her from doing that.

“Without our help? That’s new” Says Buffy as she goes right where my books are.

“And sad, I really loved to help you” Andi finally says. 

For the rest of the hour, they were discussing my play and kept asking how I got the inspiration, I tried to look cool and mysterious, but in my head, I was thinking about TJ’s notes on my books, those notes were an important part of the process and TJ too, his words are always correct and pretty, and his handwriting makes everything even better. He has been practicing for the gallery event, we haven’t seen each other a lot these days so I was able to write my script but I have to admit how much I miss him...I miss him in the way you miss a friend not how the girls might think or assume. I’m kind of confused these days, I’ve been writing this great love story with these characters but why? It’s interesting from every point of view that I wrote it like that, in such a short time. I’m impressed of myself. But I think I’ve said this too many times. 

The work at the gallery has been cool, honestly, I thought I would be bored but the girls and Walker made it fun, especially Andi and Walker they have this vibe of best friends that’s so amazing. Buffy and Iris are pretty close now and I’m always with Amber, she tells me the funniest things about her and Iris…and TJ, I’ve been learning too much about him, more than I used to think I already knew, does that make sense? We’ve been friends for a while now and whenever I talk to Amber, I find something new about him and I like it, it’s nice to know what his friends have to say about him. Iris has told me how they tried many times to make him watch a romance movie with them and now he’s reading romance books, my fault I admit that. I never realized the changes he had, in my eyes, he always liked those books but the reality is: _he didn’t_ , which is curious, interesting, very interesting, I never influenced anyone before, so I don’t know how to take this, because is a good thing, right? 

At this point I’m not sure if we know everything about each other or if we only know the things we don’t tell the others, but I have this feeling every time I find something new about him, I feel happy, I feel this thing that tells me to go with him and ask about it but I don’t do it, I can’t do it, probably TJ doesn’t know what Amber is telling me. I look at my phone and Cece sent me a message…suddenly I have a flashback in my head to _that day_ , I open it and then tell the guys I have to leave, I start walking to the theater, my heart beats fast and my hands are trembling, I’m not a slow walker but right now I’m trying my best to slow down my steps, this time I’m not looking at my shoes. I can see how all these different people have their own things, probably they have problems too but they seem so bad too, so miserable. I’m one hundred percent sure my face tells everyone how bad I feel, how nervous I am, how scared I am to have an attack right there, but no one notices a single thing, no one pays me attention because they have important things to attend, stressing ones from my point of view. I stop in front of the building, I try to calm myself down, the story can’t happen again, I changed everything, that should be enough, I wrote something totally new and mine. I believe in myself and what I write. I see Cece and Joseph together talking about something that honestly, I can’t hear. They notice my presence and tell me to go with them. That’s what I do. I can’t control my hands so I put them in my pockets. 

“Cyrus…Cyrus” Joseph starts. My eyes meet Cece’s, she smiles at me. “Do you see what happens when you write something new?” He grabs my script. “This is amazing” 

I can breathe again. He liked my script, that was my intention. I can’t even talk; a sigh of relief is all I manage to do.

“You did an amazing job, we start with this one in a week, get ready” He smiles at me then he leaves. Cece keeps smiling at me. 

“I’m proud of you Cyrus” She gives me a hug. 

“Did you read it?” I ask. 

“Of course I did and I love it!” She smiles again. 

Just like that, I can feel how my life gets in one piece again, well, my professional life, I still have some work to do with the other parts of it. 

* * *

TJ’s POV 

“How is called when something extremely bad happens and then your life changes forever? That you can’t see things as the way you did before? That you’re stuck in there and there’s no way out” I ask. 

“ _Trauma_ ” Paul answers my question while he’s staring at the sky. 

“I start feeling okay and then, everything turns dark again” I sigh. 

“I thought everything was okay” He turns to me. 

“It was, right now I feel like I’m being dragged by all of it” I look at the grass. “Maybe I was pretending to be okay without noticing” 

“You will get better, _you’re brave_ and strong” He turns to the sky again. 

He said the words Cyrus told me before, _brave_ and strong, I still remember how bad it felt that night, that moment and how Cyrus helped not only me but the guys, he played with them and then he went to see me. We haven’t seen each other a lot lately but the gallery event is tomorrow, we have to exchange words for sure, he’s passing so much time with Amber and Iris, especially Amber, she’s always talking about him, how nice he is, she doesn’t stop. They keep pointing at all his good things and I don’t know why but they do it. Cyrus never says what they talked about, neither the girls. Probably they’re sharing embarrassing stuff about me. But that shouldn’t be important, right? Since I’m friends with him, not his boyfriend…but in some way, I keep practicing not just the song but what I’m going to say to him, how I’m going to act. I hate myself sometimes. 

What I was talking with Paul before thinking of Cyrus, is because I feel kind of empty these days, it’s still too hard to get used to seeing my parents even worse, my mom always looks sad and my father too, their mood affects mine; I try to take care of them but it’s so much to handle, I can’t look serious like “ _I’m fine_ ” when I’m actually not. The other day a friend from school sent me a message that he was moving, I felt terrible, I was sad but I thought I was alright but some hours later I had an attack in my room, it was 3 am and my best idea was to text Paul since Cyrus was working on his script and I didn’t want to disturb him. Paul helped me, but the feeling of the attack was the worst; I started to say “ _no, no, no, no, no_ ” once I understood what was happening, I try to drink water and breathe but I was about to cry. Then I couldn’t sleep until 6 am, staring at the ceiling and try to close my eyes. The next day I had to check on my parents and look good for them. This feels like a never-ending thing and it’s awful. Now I can’t get out of my head what happened to my uncle and I feel worse. I need Cyrus. Paul is there and I appreciate it but he’s not him, not Cyrus. I love Paul and I truly appreciate his friendship but…I don’t know I have some kind of connection with Cyrus, something that I can’t explain. 

Paul and I start walking and talking about the gallery event, he’s not nervous at all, on the other hand, I can’t express how nervous I am. He always looks so cool and I’m the opposite, maybe that’s why we are friends. We finished the practice like an hour ago, we have new songs, Marty and Jonah wrote them, they keep telling us to write some songs but all I can write about is sadness, they never specified the topic but it’s clearly not that one, Paul tries not to get involved too much, he says he’s going to work with me and he actually does, but our songs aren’t that good. We have many love songs and breakup songs, but I still believe we need one of our songs, the non-love related ones. 

Paul goes to his house and now I’m on my way to mine, I can feel how all the bad things are coming to my mind again. The empty feeling gets bigger and bigger with every step. It’s time to get back to this sad place and act happy, or just act. I’m getting tired of act, but for the good of my family, I have to do it. It’s not a sacrifice when I see my parents with a small smile on their faces when I can make my mom laugh when I can make my dad do something with me, when we cook together or when we just watch tv. When I’m alone in my room I can cry everything out, I can stay there listening to music or simply reading and writing notes for Cyrus, reading his notes and reading again that part, learning something new from his point of view. But when I’m with my parents I have to be strong, I have to be _brave_. Maybe Cyrus and Paul are right, I’m brave, it’s just that I never noticed it. 

I go to the kitchen and see my mom staring at her phone, she’s been crying, I approach her and take a look at her screen, a picture of my uncle, I try not to cry too and give her a hug. 

“I didn’t know you were home already” She says as she grabs my hands. 

“I wanted to cook something for you since dad’s not home” I can feel the smell of her shampoo. 

“I’m sorry” She says out of nowhere. 

“For what?” I break the hug and move so we can be face to face. 

“I’ve been crying today” I stare at her. “And every day” She tries to smile. “You deserve a strong mother” 

“You are strong mom” I interrupt her. “You lost someone you loved so much, you can cry it’s fine” I take her hand. 

She smiles at me, she has a few tears in her eyes, we stay like that a few minutes, then I prepare something for both of us. She goes to take a nap, she’s not getting enough sleep, neither am I but she’s more important. I go to my room and sit on my bed; I check my phone. 

_ Cyrus:  Hey, I finished my script, they love it! _

_ Cyrus:  want to come and read it after the event tomorrow? _

_ TJ:  Congrats! I would love to read it! _

* * *

Cyrus’ POV 

I woke up with a good vibe, in a good mood, it’s TJ’s big day, well, it’s _The Sandwiches_ big day and I have to go to help the others but first I have to do a short stop at the theater and talk to Cece. I’m happy about the play and I know she’s going to work hard, she always does, a family trait, I guess. I walk through the cold Shadyside with the play and the event in my mind, with the new songs TJ told me about last night and with TJ himself, I want to know if he’s going to be alright, no pressure, just him, the guys and their music; I keep walking, all the people I mentioned before look relaxed now, probably you look at the people the way you want them to look, wait that doesn’t make sense. I better focus on the theater. I enter and look for Cece, she’s supervising Bex, as usual. 

“Hello Cece! Hello Bex!” I say as I approach them. 

“Oh, hello Cyrus!” Bex smiles when she sees me. 

“Something happened?” Cece asks right away. 

“Uhm no, I need to talk to you actually” I make a pause. “Alone” She looks surprised and leads me somewhere with less noise. 

“What happened?” She asks directly. “You look happy” 

“Well, I am” I smile at her and she smiles back. “I just wanted to ask you about the play” 

“Didn’t we meet yesterday?” 

“Yes, but” She interrupts me. 

“Then go home, I see you in a week” She stares at me. 

“Yeah, sorry I’ll go with Andi we work to do” I smile weirdly and leave. 

Maybe that wasn’t my best move, come on Cyrus what were you thinking? 

Now I’m on my way to the gallery, the girls will be mad at me if I’m late and, well, I’m already a bit late, I know I shouldn’t go to the theater but I’m excited about this one. It’s kind of funny, but I have to concentrate, I have to help everyone today. I see Buffy and Iris outside the gallery, I approach them and smile, they do the same, maybe I’m not too late. I enter to find the band already there talking to Walker and Bowie who I suppose came to help too. Paul notices me first and smiles at me, then he swaps glances with TJ, he doesn’t understand what Paul is trying to tell him with his eyes. Andi calls me and there’s when TJ notices me, he gives me a wide smile and then turns to Paul again, he didn’t give me a chance to smile back at him. I pay attention to Andi; she says I have to help Amber and that’s what I do. Amber and I start a conversation very quickly, we’re laughing while working. I can feel someone’s staring at us, I give a look to the whole place to find TJ staring at us with a confused face. I guess he never thought that his friend and I would be friends in such a short time. 

Everything is prepared after a few hours, we’re now waiting for the big moment, the event is about to start, we’re like 20 minutes away from it. TJ and I finally have a time alone, he’s about to say something when Andi calls me, he only smiles and leaves, my head moves as he walks away. Bowie needs my help now. When will I be able to talk to TJ? 

* * *

TJ’s POV 

We spent the whole afternoon rehearsing with the instruments, I didn’t have a single chance to talk to Cyrus, and right when I was about to say something to him, Andi calls him, I just smile and leave them alone. Paul was looking at the whole thing, he’s trying not to laugh since he’s been teasing me the whole day with things like “ _go and talk to him, I can distract the others_ ” or “ _go with the guy you like don’t be a fool_ ” and yes, it’s annoying, because I only want to talk to him, that doesn’t mean I like him in _that way_. It’s just that…it’s been a while since we talked in person, like three days, obviously I miss him, he’s my friend. But right now, I have to think about playing with the guys, before that happens, we have some time to enjoy the gallery so I hope I can talk to Cyrus and admire the beauty of this place. 

People start to arrive and I’m with the guys, Jonah and Marty keep saying that we should be focused and relaxed, they also say that they’re here with me, somehow that actually makes me feel less nervous, but while they’re talking, I try to find Cyrus. I even send a message to Amber but she wasn’t with him. I excuse myself and tell the guys I need to make a call, Paul understands what’s going on and he says that I have to call my mother, after that I start my search to find Cyrus. In the way I find myself talking with some other people, like Buffy, and then Andi, and then Bowie and Bex, and then Amber and Iris, and Walker, when I was talking with him, I hear a woman say “ _Cyrus_ ”, I stopped paying attention to Walker, then I heard this voice, Cyrus' voice, I look Walker at the eyes and then tell him I need to do something, he smiles and goes with Andi and her parents, I turn to the woman and Cyrus. I only can see his back. 

_Do I approach them? What are you going to say TJ?_

I don’t think much about it, I approach them, the woman glances at me and asks me if I need something, Cyrus turns to see me and smiles, then without me saying anything he explains to her that we need to talk about some stuff, she looks at us suspiciously, smiles and then she leaves. 

“Hello” I finally say. I feel like I’ve been holding my breath for so long. 

“Hey, I’ve been trying to talk to you the whole afternoon” He starts. “And a big part of the event” He smiles. What a pretty smile he has, seriously. 

“Me too” I laugh. “I was looking for you” He is really paying attention to me. “I wanted to say congratulations on the play” I make a short pause. “I really want to read the script!” 

Cyrus smiles and right when he’s about to say something…Paul interrupts us, we are about to play, I look at Cyrus and he tells me to hurry. I’m with the guys and Andi is in front of us, she and Walker take a microphone respectively and introduce us, it’s a different introduction than Bowie’s, both are amazing. Jonah walks with a smile, and Marty too, Paul and I have a serious expression. We take our places and I glance at Paul he mouths “ _you will be okay_ ”, then I face the people in front of us, my eyes try to find Cyrus, there are so many faces in front of me…until…there he is, next to Buffy, I keep looking at his direction while Jonah talks, before he says the song title, Cyrus mouths something, I suppose he said something familiar to Paul, I can’t actually see clearly since I’m not wearing my glasses. I turn to Jonah who just announced the song and Paul starts with the drums, I glance back to Cyrus and start playing. I finally did it, I’m not running away this time, I’m not having an attack right now, I keep looking at him and sing and play. Tonight is going to be a great night. 


	15. It’s been a long day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Excuse my bad English!
> 
> I promise TJ is going to get better! Here's a kind of short chapter! :)
> 
> Song of the chapter: Marathon by Day6

TJ’s POV 

The night at the gallery was good, cool, amazing, the best night ever, we played our songs and everyone liked it, that’s not what I expected and it’s good. Marty and Jonah enjoyed every single minute of it. Paul, on the other hand, was pretty quiet and waiting for me to stop talking to Cyrus, but guess what? We didn’t stop, it looked like we haven’t seen each other in years, we were laughing and walking together around the gallery and yes, I noticed how the guys were staring at us…all the time, maybe they couldn’t believe it, except Paul, he was neutral about it, he talked a lot to Bowie and Bex, well, he listened to them and to the woman who was with Cyrus before, now I know her name, Celia but everyone calls her Cece and she’s Andi’s grandmother…oh and she works with Cyrus at the theater or something like that, I was too busy concentrating on how cute Cyrus looks when he’s talking about something he loves, like writing. He smiles a lot. And the tone on his voice? It’s even better, he’s like an excited kid who just discovered something really cool. 

He’s like that, again, we’re in his room, he’s explaining to me his script and how he wants me to read it, but in a few hours before I go home? That’s impossible, he asks me if I can stay at his house and I want to say yes but I’m not sure if my parents would let me, they’re a bit you know, how parents usually are, I’m lucky they let me go outside alone. I text Amber to ask her: “ _WHAT SHOULD I DO?_ ”. She told me to just text my parents and well, that’s what I did, they asked who this Cyrus was, I was sure they were going to say no but once I said he’s Amber’s friend too they suddenly agreed. I’m still trying to process how that was possible but it happened, it’s amazing. Now Cyrus is really happy with the news, he grabs his computer and then shows me the file. I start to read it. 

Cyrus’ script is _really_ good, the parts I’ve been reading are amazing. The way the characters fall for each other, you can understand they did it when they first met but didn’t notice until some time later, it’s brilliant. You have two people who fall in love the very first time they see each other but they realize it unexpectedly, they pass time together, they talk and laugh, they start noticing things they didn’t about the other at first and then the famous question: “ _Am I in love with…?_ ”, followed by the answer, _yes_ , it’s beautiful and romantic, it’s exciting from the start to finish. Cyrus made such a good job with this play, and you can see it, he’s really happy, I didn’t see him this happy before so it’s a good thing. I give him his computer and then look at my phone, it’s too late, I was so entertained reading, that I forgot about the hour. 

“So, what do you think?” He asks me, he can’t wait for the answer, it’s obvious. 

“I loved it!” I smile. “You’re amazing Cyrus” I turn to him, he’s smiling too. 

“I’m happy you liked it” He moves a bit. “Can you please extend that ‘ _I loved it_ ’, please? I want to know what do you love about it” 

“Oh” He’s staring at me. “Well, I loved the characters' relationship before they realize they like each other, they are close enough to know the important stuff about the other, how they helped each other…” And the part I was talking about earlier. “I love how at the end both of them…they…confess” I can’t concentrate while he’s looking at me like that. 

“Good, that’s what I wanted to write” He smiles, I really feel better. 

I didn’t sleep in Cyrus’ room, he has a big house so there was another room, but considering the hour I could even sleep on the floor. It didn’t take me long to close my eyes but now I’m waking up to the sound of Cyrus’ parents laughing outside, I, trying to fully open my eyes, go to the window to find them there, outside the house laughing, I grab my phone to check the time…it’s too early. I open Amber’s chat; our last messages were last night. 

_ Amber:  good luck! _

_ TJ:  thanks _

_ TJ:  Please tell me you’re awake _

_ Amber:  yes, I am _

_ Amber:  what happened? It’s too early for you _

I don’t think it twice, I call her. What if Cyrus is not awake yet? What am I supposed to do with all of his parents in the house? Talk? I don’t think so, I’m not good at talking with others, especially this early. 

“Teej?” Amber’s voice sounds loud in the room, the stupid speaker. I fix it. 

“Wait” I whisper and then I take a look to the window, all of them are still there. “Sorry, I had to check something” I say in my normal voice tone. 

“Are you going to tell me what is happening?” 

“I’m in Cyrus’ house but I don’t want to leave the room because his parents are here” I sigh. 

“This is why you called me?” She asks, clearly trying not to laugh. 

“Iris is probably still sleeping” I hear some steps. “Wait” I say before Amber could say a thing. 

We stay in silence and then Cyrus enters the room. I hang up the call and smile. Cyrus tells me he thought I was sleeping. After like 30 minutes I leave his house. I’m on my way to mine, so I can take a shower and go to Amber’s. But for now, the only thing in my mind is Cyrus’ script and how much I want to go to see it once is released. 

* * *

Cyrus’ POV 

After TJ left, I got ready since I have plans with the girls today. I didn’t sleep much but, honestly, who does? The way to Buffy’s house was quiet, all you can feel is the cold Shadyside and the trees, and the houses and animals, you know what I mean right?

Last night was, actually very fun, while TJ was reading and making all those expressions, I knew he has going to do, I tried not to look a lot at him, I don’t want him to get a wrong idea since we’re friends and all, that’s why I offered another room but now that I'm thinking about it, maybe that wasn’t my best idea. I’m finally outside Buffy’s house. The girls wanted to make and decorate some cookies for Bex and Bowie. So, after some time getting the cookies ready, and after some time of just talking about whatever they wanted to talk about, Andi comes up with _that_ topic. 

“Love is a scary thing, don’t you think so?” Andi says as we’re decorating some cookies. 

“I don’t know” Buffy keeps looking at her cookie. “What is actually love? Is it a real thing? Or it’s just something we made up?” 

“You sounded just like Cyrus” Andi glances at her laughing. 

“To your surprise, I was about to tell you that love is whatever you wanted to be, the definition of love changes depending on who you ask, but we all agree that love is a real thing we only feel it differently” I put my cookie down. “We create the definition of love, we feel love, probably we are love too” Okay Cyrus that was stupid, on a high level. 

“Who are you and what you have done to Cyrus Goodman?” Buffy finally stops staring at her cookie. 

“What?” I ask clueless about what they mean. 

“You write about love without our help once and now you’re an expert” Says Buffy with that sarcastic tone, making Andi laugh. 

“The real question here is” I turn to Andi. “Why are you asking?” 

Suddenly Buffy turns to her too while Andi has _that_ look on her face, the look that means she’s hiding something. Buffy and I try to guess what is it but, yeah, we couldn’t, she’s good at this. I mean, you can’t just say something like that and then pretend it never happened and stay quiet for the rest of the hour until we give up. But on the other hand, what she said sounded really cool, maybe I can include it in a future play, _love is a scary thing_ …but is it? I don’t know much about it but love is supposed to be a good thing, something that makes you feel good and alive, you have to smile unconsciously, or just feel like a fool, because just like in the pride and prejudice movie “ _we are all fools in love_ ”. What is love and why some people are so desperate to find it? To find their perfect half, their soulmate. What’s a soulmate? Do you find your soulmate or you make your soulmate? Do we all have a soulmate? How can I find mine? There are many questions and not many answers. In this field named love, we are a ball or just something made of plastic or just something that can float, throw that thing into a pool, a river, or an ocean, no wait, that's not eco-friendly, let's just stay with the pool and after my point, we get the plastic out of there, anyway, getting back on what I was saying: what is it going to do? Yes, float, I already said that, anyway, we just let ourselves be carried away, we let love guide us, but is that right? Is it the correct thing to do? One thing I believe it’s true, you can’t control what you feel and how much you feel it, it can be anger, sadness, or love, we can’t control it but we can learn from it, all the time. I can’t tell if love is a scary thing as Andi says, but I can for sure say that whatever it is, it’s a good way to learn new things. 

It’s interesting, how Andi didn’t want to say a single thing and I, actually, want to know, I guess I’ll have to wait. We put the cookies in a box that Andi happily gave it some _color_ and _personality_. Doing all of this took us some hours and the girls want to watch some movies and dance to the songs…and I don’t want to, so I tell them I have something to do at the theater. I’m not sure if I can go there since Cece told me the other day to go home, but I can visit her and Bex, or…I can walk…yes, waking sounds great…but without TJ it’s not the same. Should I call him? _No, Cyrus_. I need to stop thinking about him or trying to connect him with everything I do. Like walk, I mean, how is that even related to him? Probably he’s with Paul or Amber doing cool stuff and I’m here trying to do something but I don’t know what, I can’t call him, we spent the night together, I don’t want to be _that type_ of friend, I better wait some days…but come on Cyrus, the last time you didn’t see each other in three days and you missed him a lot, and I’m sure he missed you too, don’t be stupid grab that phone and call the guy, he’s been on your mind all night and day, come on, just do it. 

“Cyrus?” I hear someone calling my name. I turn to see who is it. 

“Paul! Hey!” I smile, is he with TJ? Did I call him telepathically?

“Are you okay? You were making some weird expressions” He has a really deep voice. But I didn’t notice my internal fight with myself was also viewable for others. 

“Yes, yes, I am, don’t worry, I was just trying to remember something” He nods and lets out an _okay_. But guess what? Not a single sight of TJ. 

I decide to invite Paul for a coffee just to talk, he seems like a very cool guy, well, he is a very cool guy, he’s on a band, he plays the drum, he has a very deep voice and he’s TJ’s friend and bandmate. Cyrus, stop, stop, stop mentioning TJ all the time. 

* * *

TJ’s POV 

Amber and Iris are debating about if we should go to the pizza place or the spoon, while in my head I’m screaming _Red Rooster_ , Paul told me he’d be there so if we go there I can use him as an excuse and just get a break from the girls and their weird topics of conversation, we talked about the weather for like an hour and then Iris changed the topic to last night at the gallery, she had a big smile when she mentioned it, both looked at me with a smile and I thought it was because _The Sandwiches_ were amazing but it seems to be something else, and I know the answer, they’re probably thinking I have something with Cyrus and since I spent the night at his house…I can understand why they may think it but they’re wrong. I mean, why would I like him? Well, he’s cute and he’s funny, and he’s talented and _interesting_. Alright TJ, don’t say _interesting_ in the same way he does. I’d be lying if I say I don’t think often about him, after all, I only want him to be okay, to be happy, and to be his friend…is that a crime? But, getting back to what I was saying, the pizza place, or the spoon. Well, in the end, we’re on our way to the café, again, _Cyrus_ , every time I’m near the café he pops up in my head, my brain can’t do much about it, the café is our thing, just like _our bench_ , unconsciously I make the simple things _ours_ as if we were a couple, I don’t even have _things_ with Amber and Iris, well, I actually do but this is different…everything is different when it comes to him. What if I actually like him?…No that’s too crazy. We're finally near the café, this brings me some memories, we enter the café and I find him there… _Cyrus_ …and Paul? Since when they hang out? This is a cool thing actually, but knowing how Paul is he’s probably going to say something about me only to see his reaction and then come to me and say “ _he likes you_ ” but I’m sure he doesn’t. 

“Teej?” Amber calls me, I keep glancing at them. “Teej!” She says loud enough to catch some people’s attention. 

“Sorry, what?” I turn to her and Iris. “Uhm…I…a tea” Iris' face is full of confusion. Amber turns in the same direction as me and then she says. 

“Oh, now I get it, there’s Paul and Cyrus” She looks at me and then at Iris. “Let’s sit with them!” 

“What?” I never turned my head so fast in my entire life. “We can’t do that” Am I scared? The hell I am. Why does she want to sit with them? 

“Yes, we can, we have legs, come on” She makes her way to their table. 

“Amber!” I whisper, well, I kind of loud whisper? 

She sits with them and then, she points at me and Iris, she’s ordering so I have to smile and say hi from the distance. Cyrus smiles, there’s something in his smile that makes me forget about why I was so nervous and distracted before. He has the warmest smile I have ever seen. Only looking at him makes me feel calm. I wait some minutes for the drinks, Iris is still with me, she’s…honestly, it feels like she’s examining me, studying my moves and my looks. Finally, we grab our drinks and make our way to the other’s table, I glance at Cyrus first, followed by a _hi_ with a smile, he does the same, then I turn to Paul, he’s smiling too, I know what that smile means. I take a seat next to Cyrus since it’s the only one available, they moved from the table for two, to a bigger one, all thanks to Amber. We stay quiet for a moment until Amber makes a comment about our performance last night, Paul listens carefully and keeps talking to her, Iris asks him some questions and he’s happily answering them. Cyrus smiles and glances at me, I’m looking at my tea while I’m, well, saying all of this in my head. 

“It’s nice to see you again, TJ” Cyrus whispers. I turn to him and smile. 

“It’s nice to see you too” I stare at his eyes. They’re so beautiful. The lights of the café make him have a different vibe right now. 

My day with the girls ended in a " _the rest of the day with Cyrus_ ", the girls wanted to see a movie so they left, it was only Cyrus, Paul, and me, then after some minutes Paul checked his phone and say he had something important to do, leaving us alone, I asked Cyrus if he wanted to take a walk, he almost laughed and then he accepted. Now we’re walking and stopping if we see something interesting. Passing the time with him feels so good, it feels like an “ _It’s been a long day_ , you can relax now” whenever I’m with him and I like it. I like how he makes me feel comfortable and human, I’m not TJ Kippen the guy who’s dealing with the loss of a loved one or the guy who played last night at the gallery, I’m just a guy with another guy, walking through Shadyside. It’s simple, it’s nice. 

Eventually, he has to go to his house, he leaves and I start to walk into mine. But something feels weird, I keep walking until I see Amber’s parents outside my house talking with my parents, they have something in their hands, I stop. Suddenly, some of our neighbors are walking to my house, they all take some time to talk with my parents, I put my glasses on and try to walk some steps more so I can fully see what’s going on, my mom’s face looks so sad, just like the day she found about my uncle. When they’re finally gone, I enter my house to find my mom crying…again…I don’t even have to ask what’s happening, my father tells me that everyone knows about my uncle and they wanted to express their condolences to us. I stop listening to him and make my way to the door again, I start to walk and walk, it’s difficult to breathe, my heart is beating so fast and I feel dizzy, I know what this is. I’m having an attack. I try to keep walking until, in front of a door, I fall to the ground. I hear someone call my name, and running to where I am. I look at them. It’s Cyrus. I unconsciously walked to his house. 


	16. Take a breath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Excuse my bad English!
> 
> Well, guys, I had a stressful week trying to schedule a class, but couldn't in the end. Anyway, here's a chapter! :)
> 
> Song of the chapter: LA TRAINS by eaJ  
> (You can find this song on SoundCloud and YouTube!) (I love this song!! I highly recommend it!!! For real!) (I also recommend eaJ)

Cyrus’ POV 

Looking at TJ in this state was, honestly, one of the saddest and most worrying things, I’ve witnessed; I mean I have already seen him having attacks. I don’t know why this one felt different, the look in his eyes, the way he seemed so desperate, truly scared. Did this one come out of nowhere? What happened at his house? My parents went out so we have all the privacy right now. I’m waiting for him to say something, to make a move, to look at me, he keeps drinking water with his eyes glued on the floor; I thought things were getting better, he actually looked better, but the sad truth is that he’s not. We stay in silence. I want to tell him that he can stay here again, it’s no problem at all, my parents will be happy to have him here, he can even stay in my room this time. I don’t want to leave his side. 

“What’s going on in your head?” He asks me. This is the moment when I realize that I do have an expressive face. 

“Nothing…I was just…thinking” I want him to tell me what happened but I don’t want to ask. 

“Look, I’m sorry I bothered you, I’ll leave” Oh no, he can’t just leave like that, and he didn’t bother me. 

“You don’t have to” I say before he could stand up. “You can stay here tonight…if you want to” He doesn’t say anything for like a minute, and yes, it feels like years. 

“In that case” He looks at his hands. “Can I stay?” I smile. 

“I just told you can” I laugh, he smiles. 

With TJ staying here, again, and my parents away, we went directly to my room, because every time I feel bad or sad, my room really helps me, hopefully, it will help TJ too. He sits in my bed while I check my computer for any emails from Cece, she hasn’t sent anything yet; I sit next to TJ, he’s still quiet, maybe he doesn’t want to talk about what happened and well, I don’t want to put any pressure on him. The seconds pass and all you can hear is our breath, the noises from outside, the wind, my house is warm compared to the streets but still, we have our sweaters on, he’s staring at his hands like a shy boy who’s about to tell his mom what he just did; I try to look at everything I have in my room, I take a look to my books, maybe if I read something to him it can help. I stand up to get the book, once I have it in my hands, I look for the page I need. 

“Everyone knows about my uncle” He sighs, I turn to him. “My mother looked like the day they told me, she had that sadness and my dad…” His voice cracks. “He tried to look good but his eyes said a different thing…and…and I…” I don’t know what to do. “I feel so bad” His tone lowered. 

I don’t say much, I only hug him, sometimes you don’t need to say anything to someone who’s suffering, we all suffer and we all wish to have someone to hold us, to let us cry, to let us be vulnerable, someone who may not fully understand us but they’re always there. I want to be that person for TJ; I want him to know that he’s not alone, that he can cry, that I’m not letting him go. He starts to cry. How many times has he cried alone? I hug him tightly as if my hug will put all the broken pieces together, but that’s not going to happen so I just wait for him to break the hug. All I can think is how is possible that such an amazing person like him is suffering this much right now? Why no one notice how affected he is by his uncle’s death? I know TJ pretends to be okay but he’s clearly not. However things happen in his life and from his point of view…I’m glad to be with him at his moment, even if we’re only hugging and all I hear is how he cries. I’m glad to be here for him. 

“I’m sorry Cyrus” He breaks the hug. 

“It’s okay, don’t worry, you don’t have to apologize” I take his hand. “I know how much impact this has in your life, how much you always think about it, but hey it’s alright, _take_ _a breath_ , I’m here” I smile. 

“Thanks, I’m glad you’re my friend” He finally and genuinely smiles. 

“You know what? You’re having a bad day, this really hit you hard, take a rest…” I make a pause. “From everything, even from the things you like because it may get hard after this, just take a rest, the guys will understand” I get close to him a bit. We’re face to face now. He’s just staring at me. 

“Yeah…” His eyes go to our hands. “You’re right” 

“I’m not telling you that this is getting better because it’s not, you need to take your time, take all the time you need to heal” I get closer to him, not _that_ much, just the necessary. He gets what I did, his eyes passed from our hands to my eyes. 

“I think…I…better go the other room” He keeps looking me in the eyes. 

“You don’t have to, stay here, I don’t want you to be alone” We’re still close. He opens his mouth but doesn’t say anything. Then he takes a deep breath. 

“Okay…” He nods. 

We didn’t talk a lot after that conversation, we played some music and read a book together. I finished a chapter and passed him the book, once he finished too, we talked about it. It was a very interesting book and his opinions were just like in the notes he leaves in the other books, the ones that helped me to write my script, without him knowing, of course. I had a good night; I hope he did too. 

* * *

TJ’s POV 

I’m on my way to my house, after passing the night at Cyrus’ I woke up to all the messages I had from my parents…and Amber telling them I was with Iris…and Iris telling them I was with her while she actually didn’t know where the hell I was. All I hope is that…honestly, I don’t know what to expect or hope, all I want to do is sleep. 

_Here we go TJ, good luck_. 

I enter my house to find my parents in the kitchen, they didn’t look mad, my mom runs to hug me and my dad gives me a kiss on my head. They were worried and didn’t understand at first why I left the house like that but after some time, they got it, the situation was too much for me, they apologized to me for acting the way they did, for always expecting from me a different behavior, for not letting me deal with it the same way they were doing all this time, for not noticing how hurt I actually was. I had to mention the attacks, my mom worried a lot once the word “ _panic attack_ ” came out of my mouth and my dad had this look on his face, he was trying to find the reason why I started to have those. I wanted to cry but by looking at their faces for the first time in a long time I noticed how much I needed to tell them this, the truth, I’m not perfect, I’ll never going to be. I have feelings and I need to show them, the attacks reminded me that I’m alive, it may feel like I’m dying but they always go, they always tell me “ _you’re still breathing, but are you actually living?_ ”, I don’t like having them, I’m so afraid every time I have one but at the end of the day I’m still here. I told my parents about the first one I had and how long it has been, I told them my symptoms and how it felt, I, eventually cried, I couldn’t stop, I thought I cried all I needed last night with Cyrus but it seems I didn’t. My mom keeps saying how much she sorry while she’s hugging me and crying. My dad hasn’t said a word yet, he’s staring at us. For a moment I feel human again. My mom keeps hugging me but I want to leave to my room, I stand up and look at them, they look bad, sad, hurt; I try to say something but I can’t, I feel something in my throat so I better leave, it’s not an attack, it’s just that I want to cry, again. Before I close the door of my room, I can hear my parents talking about me and this new situation they have in their hands, I hear them saying things like “ _why did we not notice it?_ ” “ _we’re so selfish_ ” “ _we don’t deserve him as our son_ ” “ _this is all my fault_ ”, they’re blaming themselves when it’s not their fault. I close the door and walk straight to my bed. 

I didn’t realize that I fell asleep, I wake up to the sound of my door. I go to see who is it, well, which one of my parents is. It’s my father, this feels like the moment he told me about my uncle, he’s serious. 

“You have a visit, some guys, they said you’re in their band?” He now looks confused. But I remember how I never told them about the band in general, I said I was helping a friend with something and I needed the keyboard. You’re a genius TJ.

“Oh, yeah, I…I’m on a band” I say in the slowest way possible. 

“That’s great” He says in the same way. 

I’m about to leave the room when. 

“I’m sorry” Wait, why? I was about to open my mouth when he continues. “For everything, all the pressure I put on you and all, I wanted to tell you alone” He mouths _'go',_ I smile at him and mouth _'thank you'._

I make my way to where the voices were coming from, the guys are in the kitchen with my mom, she made cookies, they’re eating and talking with her. I catch their attention and they all smile and say “ _TJ!_ ” in unison…I still don’t know what I did. Jonah tells me that they decided to skip practice today and come to my house, it was Paul’s idea, he thought that could help the band’s chemistry. My mother is pretty excited about the band; she asked us a lot of questions, saying “ _That’s interesting!_ ” to every single one of them and making me remember Cyrus, she didn't say it in the same way but it's the same word. When she asked about our name Marty said it was my idea and it wasn’t official yet, she laughed, but she also said it was such a TJ thing, so she likes it. After some time, we finally go to my room. 

“You came here because of my uncle's news, didn’t you?” I ask once I close the door. Their faces say it all.

“Yeah…” Jonah says with that face. 

“And for moral support!” Marty raises his eyebrows. 

“And because we appreciate you and you’re our friend” Paul smiles while Jonah and Marty say ‘ _yeah that too_ ’. 

I smile at them and thank them for being there for me. We start talking about some other stuff. Paul found one of the books I was reading with Cyrus, he saw the notes and everything, then all of the guys agreed that Cyrus and I have a _thing_ , a _connection_ , a _vibe_. Absolute nonsense; when I thought things couldn’t get weirder, Marty says something that left us confused…He said, in his words: “ _don’t you think it could be a good idea to add another member?_ ”. What does that even mean Marty? 

* * *

Cyrus’ POV 

I’m at the gallery with the girls, Andi needed some help since Walker had an emergency and, here I am, next to Buffy, barely understanding what Andi is doing and expect us to do with her. Buffy starts to talk about something else while we watch Andi do her thing, everything goes great and then they ask if I have something new to say to them. I think I know where this is going, the news in Shadyside fly and now almost every single person know that the _Kippen's_ lost a family member, even if they don't have an idea who they are. My parents send some food to them, I hope TJ likes it. But getting back on what I was talking about or well, what the girls asked; I tell them about TJ, not the panic attack thing or the crying thing, I only tell them that I spent the night with him again; I told them about the things we do, how we read the same book and our comments about it, I didn’t notice how happy I sounded until Andi asks me something that…well, it didn’t make much sense…to me. 

“Cyrus, do you like TJ?” Yes, this question. 

“Absolutely not, we’re just friends” Why would I like him? 

“It’s just that when you two are together…” She starts. “There’s this vibe…” Andi tries to end her sentence but she can't find the words.

“It feels like you two like each other” Buffy says directly. 

“Yeah, that” Andi agrees. 

“You must be dreaming girls” I say as I start to help Andi. 

“I know what I see Goodman” Buffy starts to help too, better than me. “And I’m usually never wrong” She looks at me. 

“Well, you’ve been wrong with some things…” Andi tries to say something. 

“That’s why I said ‘ _usually_ ’ Andi” She makes this smile, her ' _shut up'_ smile. 

The girls asking me about TJ is kind of strange but not-so-strange, I mean I see that coming actually, but their question or just what they said makes me think about some stuff, like, do everyone thinks that? Someone has told the same thing to TJ? Do we really have a _vibe_? Or is it just what the girls want to see? I can make a lot of questions from this but I, honestly, don’t want to think much about it, I don’t know it feels weird. But one thing is true, what if I liked him? Which I don’t, but, there’s nothing wrong with liking someone and TJ is an amazing guy, so, I don’t see the problem. 

We keep helping Andi and talk about something else because TJ is not the only topic we can talk about, we have lives and we have different stuff to share with each other. We still don’t know if Andi is seeing someone but Buffy told us some good news about her starting a dance class in the studio and we are, definitely, proud of her, she works so hard so this is amazing and it deserves to be celebrated. Andi suggests to go and celebrate at _The Spoon_ and, well, we agree. On the other hand of news, Andi tell us that her parents have been acting a bit strange lately and she doesn’t know what to do, her birthday already passed so we’re not sure what’s going on with them, even Buffy can’t find a good reason to explain their behavior; and last but not least, my news, I tell them about how Cece sent me an email this morning, they have that “ _who still sends emails these days?_ ” face, but I don’t give it much importance. I keep talking about the good news and how excited I am to start with this play. And I am, it feels so nice, it’s like the old times when I didn’t feel a lot of pressure, but, I don’t get this positivity to lie to me, I know I’m still not recovered at all, just watching TJ last night made me trembling, it felt like I was about to have one too, I still don’t know how I did it but it didn’t happen. But I still have some questions about this, like, are these staying for the rest of my life? Why does it feel like they never end? They come in the worst situations. I’d be lying if I say I didn’t leave my room once TJ was sleeping because I was about to have one and I actually had one, in another room. I know I should have some knowledge about this because of my parents but, when it happens to you everything feels to be new, you can read a lot of things and, yes, they help you but once you’re in the middle of one, everything changes. You change. 

We finish with Andi and go directly to _The Spoon,_ we order the usual, the same thing we’ve been ordering for years, the only food that helps your heart, well, not always but most of the time. We also order some milkshakes and, yes, this feels perfect, good, amazing. We make a toast to Buffy’s new class; we keep talking while we’re eating. Somehow, sometimes, we just don’t run out of topics, even if it feels like we did, one of us throws a whole new topic. My friendship with the girls is real and honest, like with TJ. I know I said some different things about our friendship, but, lately, I’ve been thinking about how TJ actually helped me with it, he’s close to them now, our friends are friends, and I never been happier with the girls. It is good. It’s nice. 

We spend some time talking about a lot of things, we all are happy right now, everything is going great in our lives, well, except for Andi’s parents but if we don’t count it, everything is alright. And it’s been a long time since we had a moment like this, we’re enjoying it so much. 

* * *

TJ’s POV 

“Why do you want to add a member?” Jonah asks, confused and surprised, just like Paul and me. 

“Do you have another member in your pocket?” I ask him. “It took us a while to find Paul” We all turn to Paul for a moment, he smiles awkwardly. 

“I know but, don’t you think five is a good number?” He says with a smile. 

“Are you high?” Paul’s question makes me laugh, and by looking at Marty’s face he’s now as confused as we were like a minute ago.

“No, I’m not” He shakes his head. 

“Sorry, I thought it was a possibility” Paul tries not to laugh. 

“I think four is good” Jonah starts. “There are some bands with just four members, we are one of those” He turns to me for some support. 

“Yeah, and, well, we don’t know anyone that would like to be part of _The Sandwiches_ besides Bowie” Now I try _not to_ laugh. 

“I suppose you’re right” Marty admits. “Let’s discuss it tomorrow, I have to go with my mom to her cooking class” He gives me a hug, smiles, and leaves. 

“I actually have to go too” Jonah says. “I see you guys tomorrow” He smiles. 

And now it’s only Paul and me in my room. We start to talk about Marty’s idea and we both agree that we could never find another member. Paul mentions the books and the notes he read before, the thing I was avoiding, he even grabs the books again to look for those notes, he was impressed by Cyrus’ words, and by the books, he said “ _I never imagined you reading Jane Austen books_ ” while smiling and trying to say, _again_ , that I only read them because I like Cyrus. Can you believe it? Paul continues to insist about it. And when I finally got to change the topic…he had to go, his sister needed his help with their pets, before going he told me to read again the notes and try to write something from it, we’re still trying to write a song, a romantic one, but we can’t do it, it’s too much work, I don’t get how Marty and Jonah write them so easily. 

When I’m finally alone, I take one of the books and I read the notes. It sounded stupid at the beginning but I’m doing it now. I don’t lose anything by only trying to write the song. But, as I’m reading the notes all I can do is to think about Cyrus, honestly, I’ve been thinking about him the whole day, he was really nice to me last night and when we were reading the book together is exactly how I feel when I’m reading the notes. Today, I…I’m thinking differently about him, not just as Cyrus the guy I switched coffees with and we became friends, but as _Cyrus_ _Goodman, The Cyrus Goodman_. I know it doesn’t make sense but, I can’t keep him off my mind, especially that moment when we were so close to each other’s faces, it felt like a movie moment, like, like that scene in the Pride and Prejudice movie, in the rain proposal, when Darcy and Elizabeth are so close and you can feel, you know, the _emotion._ That’s how it feels every time I think about Cyrus and me…and that…moment. I’m not sure, but…I’m sure…it’s confusing, all I know is that I feel different about him now and I don’t know what to do. 


	17. Are you scared?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Excuse my bad English!
> 
> I'm here guys, my classes already started and I've been busy with homework. Hope everyone is doing great! Here's a chapter! :)
> 
> Song of the chapter: Golden by Harry Styles

TJ’s POV 

“What is love to you?” Paul asks as he sees the paper in front of him. 

“I don’t have an idea” I give an honest answer. 

“We have to write a love song TJ and you’re not helping” He turns to me. 

“I don’t know, probably love is…” I make a short pause. “Love is quality over quantity, love is staring at this person, and feel that there’s only the two of you in the world, is listening to everything and remember those stupid facts that no one else cares about, is…” I sigh. “Love is whatever you want it to be as long as you feel good, happy, comfortable” I'm surprised by what I just said. 

“Like you with Cyrus?” Well, yeah, but no, I’m not in love with him. 

“This has nothing to do with Cyrus” And it’s true. 

“If you say so” He stares at the paper again. 

Writing a love song truly is hard work; Jonah didn’t need it for some other day, he wants it by tomorrow. Paul has been working so hard on the definition of _love_ for hours, but still, we can’t make anything right; honestly, I really want to ask Cyrus but he’s been working on his play so I don’t want to bother him…that means that I have to figure it out with Paul. And as I already said it’s not working, we’re missing something, an important point of this process. How do people write about love without being in love? How can you understand the big thing love is? Do we need to listen to others' experiences? I only need to concentrate; we have to do it. 

We spent some time in silence writing in our respective papers, we just let our ideas control us and for the first time not ending writing a sad song, it’s been a while since _The Sandwiches_ made their presentation at the gallery so we really need new songs, and since Jonah and Marty are always writing love ones now it’s our turn, but seriously we need help, they didn’t give us a guide or something, we learned nothing from all the times they were writing. Hopefully, we can do something with what we got. Paul hands me his paper, he wrote really cool things, we can even get the song from here, there is something…weird…the word _girl_ is almost on everything, who is he? Gustavo Rocque from Big Time Rush? It looks like a joke; I ask him about it and he said “I don’t know, once I saw on the tv that people use that word a lot”, that answers my question, he got it from Big Time Rush…we can do something with it, we can fix it. I turn to him, he’s still reading my paper, he’s smiling. 

“What?” I ask once he glances at me. 

“You wrote about the topic ‘ _I like you but I don’t want to say it, I admire you from afar_ ’, is there anything you want to say TJ?” Oh, I know what this is about.

“It’s not about Cyrus” I say as I grab my paper. 

“I never said his name” He smiles. 

Amazing TJ, amazing, what were you thinking? Mentioning Cyrus? Come on...okay but, he’s always talking about Cyrus and telling me that he’s sure I like him so it was automatic? I didn’t think much about it since he’s always teasing me with Cyrus. But we have a song to finish if we don’t want Jonah to stare at us with _that_ look. He’s a nice guy but he can be tough when he wants to, not to mention that Marty is always with him, it’s like me and Paul but they have more communication…or they probably don’t enjoy the silence as much as we do. We can stay in silence for some time without the strange feeling, the weird vibe, he’s cool, probably too much. I still don’t get how we became friends, we started to talk and it was great…and now we’re, I dare to say, best friends, I know I have the girls and I love them, but it’s nice to have Paul’s point of view about some stuff. Plus, we are in a band together so we already pass a lot of time together. I still have a question, how is possible that the girls…well, _everyone_ , thinks Cyrus and me have something, but no one thinks the same thing about Paul? I don’t get it. I mean, I don’t see people say that about Jonah and Marty, or Amber and Iris, or Amber and Buffy, or Amber and Andi, or Andi and Buffy…Woah…there are many possibilities and still everyone looks at us, me and Cyrus, Cyrus and me, Cyrus and Thelonious, Goodman and Kippen…not the others, but us…it’s weird…or…maybe they know something we ignore? They notice something that _may_ be there, but I’m not sure yet? Maybe? 

“You’re making weird expressions” Paul says, catching my attention. “Just like Cyrus” The tone in his voice is not alarming but he definitely realized something. “You’re different but similar at the same time, that’s interesting” I look at him. 

“What does that mean?” I know it was stupid to ask but I had to. 

“Nothing” He says all the calm of the world. 

“Come on, tell me” I make a little pause. “We’re friends…best friends” I make emphasis in _best_. 

“It’s just curious, you are totally different, clothes, personalities, ideas, the way you talk, height, eyes, hair…” He’s making this so long. 

“Paul!” He stops with a smile. “Just say it” 

“Well, you’re different but somehow you can be similar, like right now” He makes a pause, he gets comfy on the floor. How? I don’t know. “The other day I saw Cyrus and he was making weird expressions too…and now you’re doing it…and you always say ‘ _okay but_ ’ when we are texting…and, Cyrus did the same thing when I was texting with him…” He stays quiet for some seconds. “You two pass too much time together…you are starting to act similar…like a couple…” He says ‘ _couple_ ’ barely audible, but I get what he said. 

But I don’t think we are starting to act like each other, that’s ridiculous. We are close, yes, but assuming such a thing…I don’t know, that’s _weird_. Because it is, right? I don’t go out there saying the stuff Amber and Iris say…or Paul…Alright Thelonious, you need some answers right now…or later? I don't know. 

* * *

Cyrus’ POV 

The things at the theater have been cool, stressful but cool, I only had two attacks since we started with this. I’m excited but still a bit afraid, it’s not like this has gone, it’s getting better but is still here, it feels like I’m only waiting for an attack to surprise me. TJ told his parents the other day about his attacks, I thought I had to do the same, and I did it, now I’m kind of feeling better but this is a long process. I can’t believe how much TJ inspires me to do, his notes helped me with the play, I finally told my parents about the attacks, he’s inspiring me to do things that make me feel good with myself. Well, I always felt good around him, but now is because of me, and because of how he inspires me. He’s always in my mind, it’s strange but it happens. I have been feeling different about him, I don’t know what is but you know, it’s like…it’s like…it’s like…uhm…you understand, right? I can’t describe it. I don’t want to talk about it with anyone, especially the girls, they have so much going on with them. Actually, we’re going to _The Spoon_ so we can talk about everything that’s bothering us lately, well, what is bothering _them_ , I’m going to tell them about my attacks. I sent a message to TJ about it and he said I was brave. I don’t know if I’m brave but it is a big step. 

I enter and see the girls already at a table. I approach them and take a sit; Buffy looks really happy, but Andi looks worried, I think, she looks…I don’t know, something’s wrong with her. We order the food and everything looks normal, we’re eating when Andi shares her news. 

“I’m going to be a big sister” She keeps staring at her milkshake. Buffy and I almost choke with ours. “That’s why my parents have been acting strange” She looks at us. “What am I supposed to do?” 

“That’s incredible Andi!” Buffy smiles. 

“You’re going to be the best sister!” I say. Her expression is changing. 

“Are you sure guys?” She smiles shyly. 

“Definitely” Buffy and I say in unison. 

Andi started to feel better after that; Buffy shared her good news, and now I’m hesitating on telling them, we were supposed to say not good news today. I’m not sure of what it’s going to happen or what they’re going to say, and after they shared good news…I don’t know…how do you tell your friends about it? I’m sure it was easier with my parents. Which is funny because usually telling your friends should be the easiest thing in the world, but for me, it’s not, at least not right now. 

“Guys, I'm working on something since my parents told me about the baby, so what do you think? Is it beautiful?” Andi’s question makes me pay attention to them again. 

“Are you really asking us?” Buffy’s holding her laugh. 

“I find it interesting” I say in the way I always do; the girls turn to me. 

“Not the _interesting_ Cyrus” Andi says. 

"Why not?" My ' _interesting'_ is the best. 

“I need more than just that word…” Andi makes a pause. “This is important” She looks serious.

“Alright” I look at my milkshake. “What do you mean by beautiful?” They exchange looks. 

"What do you mean by that?" Buffy's expression says it all. 

"Well, beauty is different for everyone" I make a little pause. "Something is beautiful if you decide it is beautiful if you want it to be beautiful" I take a sip of my milkshake.

They look confused. 

"But, yes, it's very beautiful Andi!" I say trying to fix what I said before; it wasn't bad but maybe it wasn't the right time to say it. 

After a long talk about how can Andi be a good, cool sister and all the art she's already making for the baby, and how she was afraid of not having time for the baby since she’s already 21; I’m finally on my way home. Buffy tried to tell her that she’s going to be a good sister, plus, she has us…honestly, I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not, I can’t picture us babysitting with Andi, we can bake, we are amazing, but taking care of an infant, yeah that’s different. I don't even have siblings. I enter my house and watch if there’s anyone around, but I’m alone. I go to my room and start reading a book TJ gave me, he’s now choosing books and it’s cool because some of them are new to me. And they’re super interesting, he has good taste. 

But you know what I have been doing all this day? Asking if TJ has finished the song he told me about. I know it’s been difficult for them. Paul told me they have no idea what to write, and it was a few hours ago. TJ is always saying how much Jonah wants him to write a love song but apparently, he doesn’t have the inspiration to do it…I mean, he reads books with me so that shouldn’t be hard, I have the girls’ experiences so why TJ doesn't just ask Amber and Iris? I’m sure they have some stuff that can help him…maybe I can help him…but will he want me to help him? He helped me with my script…he doesn’t know that, but he did. I’ve been thinking so much about the script these days because it doesn’t feel like I write it all based on the notes. I’m feeling weird lately every time I read the notes again or when I’m in the theater the only thing in my mind is… _TJ_ …why? I don’t know. Do I know what it means? Obviously not. Am I starting to suspect something else? The hell I am. 

I start walking around my room, I have this in my mind lately; I haven’t told the girls about it because they are going to say “ _I knew it!_ ” and I don’t want that, not yet. Is this how people feel when they know? When they realize? Because it doesn’t feel like a party if I’m honest…I stand in front of my mirror. I don’t have an idea for how long it has been or when did I started…or how it happened because I know it’s been a while but I just realized. I take a deep breath. Getting all this stuff running through my mind, trying to get the answer. Then a few minutes after looking at my reflection, I get it.

“Wait a minute Cyrus” I say to myself. “You like TJ” I look at my hands and then to the mirror. “You like him in _that way_ ” How am I supposed to react to this? What am I supposed to do? 

I get a text from the girls again. We just met but they want to go out again. How much free time do they think I have? I'm in the middle of a big event in my life right now.

* * *

TJ’s POV 

It took us a while but we finally have the song…well…we have the lyrics and that’s a huge step. I tried to not care about what Paul said early so it could be easier to finish our song and it worked. We are a good team. Paul is very talented and annoying too, in a good way. But I have to be honest I’m still thinking about what he said…but I also have what I believe and that is… _Cyrus and I are just friends_ , we count on each other, I know I can tell him everything…well, not everything. I’ve been thinking about Cyrus and he’s starting to look different. I don’t know if it’s something he’s not telling me but probably it’s just me. I get really happy whenever he sends me a text and it’s weird, even for me, because I don’t want Paul to be right, I don’t want to like him like that, we function great as friends why would I ruin it? Also, I’m not good when I like someone, I don’t know what to say or how to act and well, I get scared. How do you manage to have a crush on someone? Some people are good at it, _Amber_ , and they extremely confident and then there are other kinds of people that they’re a mess, _me_ , and they don’t understand how they can be so bad at this. I have seen Amber many times do this so easily and then I’m a disaster, I am a mess, a real mess, so that’s why I can’t have a crush on Cyrus, he’s too cool, he’s probably like Amber, well I think so, he has that type of personality…at least to me. Sometimes I feel like he’s more relaxed when we are together than with all the guys, and honestly, I’m like that too, I feel different around him…in a good way. 

“I have to go” Paul’s voice sounds loud. “You’re making those expressions again…TJ Goodman” He winks. 

“Really? TJ Goodman? That’s the best you have?” I try to look serious but come on TJ Goodman? Paul you…man. 

“I think it sounds cool” He smiles. 

“You can’t stay for some time more? My mom is probably cooking something for you” I say as I grab my phone and try to change the topic. 

“Free food? I’m staying” He says. 

I have a message from Cyrus, he’s going out with the guys and Libby, Libby, she's a cool girl but she never goes out with them…Cyrus is inviting us. That’s cool but my mom is already cooking for us…she loves Paul, he comes to my house all the time…I’m sure they think we’re dating, I can see it in their eyes, but Paul actually has a crush on Iris, even if he doesn’t want to admit it. But he also looks kind of interested in Walker so it’s confusing, but I suppose he really likes Iris, he keeps asking me stuff about her. 

“Do you want to go out?” I ask Paul, he’s sitting on the floor looking at the lyrics we wrote. 

“Uhm…No” He says slowly. “I prefer your mother's food” 

“Cyrus is going out with everyone and Libby” I look at the screen again. “But you're right, my mother's food is better” I look to Paul again smiling. 

“But if you want to go that's okay” Paul’s trying not to laugh. He’s thinking the usual: _you have a crush on Cyrus_. 

“I'm not leaving without you” I keep looking at my phone. "My mom adores you, I don't want her to give you my room" I laugh.

“Let’s go and help your mother, so she makes you share your room with me” He stands up and gives me the papers. “Don’t you feel like they think we are in a relationship?” Oh, that confused look on Paul’s face, I see that often. 

“Yeah, tell them you like Iris and everything will be fixed” I smile. 

“Iris? I don’t like her” Paul’s tone…yeah, he’s lying. 

“You’re such a bad liar” I laugh. 

“What?” He’s laughing too. “I’m not lying” Sure, Paul. 

“Just admit you like her” I put my hand in his shoulder. 

“No, you admit you like Cyrus” He does the same. 

Before I can say another thing, my mother tells us to go to the kitchen, we helped her with some stuff, she laughed a lot with Paul and she smiled at me when that happened. She really thinks we are together. We eat and keep talking, my father joined us, he has the same look. How do you tell your parents that you are not dating your best friend? We could be siblings, literally family, we are in a band together, so, I don't get it. Anyway, they _love_ Paul, we stay talking for a while, I check my phone constantly since Cyrus is texting me. Now Paul has _that look_ on his face. Everything just gets weirder and weirder. Everything gets different. It feels different. I keep thinking…what if my parents meet Cyrus? Will they think we are together? Or is it just a Paul thing? Will they like Cyrus? I’m just…curious. 

* * *

Cyrus’ POV 

I’m sitting with the girls and Jonah and Marty…and Walker at the pizza place, I had to say yes, so I couldn’t finish that talk to myself about TJ and my…recently discovered feelings for him…I even invited him to come so I can clear my mind and confirm that I like him or…deny it. Andi and Walker start talking about what they did at the gallery today, Libby is so happy about it, she’s going to work with them now, and those are amazing news. Buffy talks about her classes from this week, Iris said she’s going to start taking classes with Buffy. Jonah and Marty start talking about their band and how they asked TJ and Paul to write a song together. I’m just listening to them talking and talking, I don’t want to talk about the play and I’m not paying enough attention to them…but when Jonah mentioned TJ, my eyes went from my phone to him. So…I really like him. Does that even count as a way to confirm it? Well, no, but the way I preferred to talk to TJ via messages and not paying any attention to my friends has to mean something. 

“Cyrus, how are the things going at the theater?” Iris asks me. 

“It’s been good” I answer looking at Libby. Andi and Buffy share looks. 

“Who are you texting?” Buffy takes a sip from her drink. 

“Nobody” I say as fast as my mouth can. Big mistake Cyrus. 

“It doesn’t look like nobody” Andi turns to me. 

I don’t know what to do. So, I must do what I usually do in situations like this. Going somewhere else for some minutes. 

“I have to call my parents, I’ll come back in a minute” I leave the table. Well, I leave the place, I go straight to the exit to have some air. 

The air feels nice, the cold feels nice, the people outside look nice, everything is nice, for now. I stare at the flowers near the pizza place, they look so pretty. Flowers really help me to clear my mind because as soon as I see some of them…TJ comes to my mind…because he’s allergic to bees. But he still came to my mind. Even if is because of his allergies. I like his allergies, we can stay in a closed place, like the bookstore or my room, and I can see his face when he’s reading, but when we’re at the park I like to see how he’s trying to look for anything that can cause him an allergic reaction…that’s why we have _our bench_ , it’s in the perfect place. Oh, Cyrus. Yes, I like TJ…I have feelings for him…I have a crush on him. 

Cyrus, _are you scared?_ Definitely. But in a good way. It’s just that, I’m not sure if he likes me back and I don’t like the feeling. But yes, I like TJ…a lot. How did it happen? I don’t know yet. When did it start? I have no idea. It’s been a while since it? _Absolutely._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have an announcement: I will be editing the first chapters a bit, recently I've been translating everything into Spanish for my best friend and I noticed some mistakes (I apologize for that) so I decided to edit them a bit. 
> 
> Another announcement: I already have the next chapter ready to post, if my classes allow me, I won't take so long to update!


End file.
